"F" You Letter

Two weeks ago I had an appointment with my individual therapist. We have had a few sessions over the last few months briefly touching on things going on in my life- my relationship with Patrick, my lack of trust, my negative body obsession, goals I have for life and how I determine my worth over my success or failure of these goals, and a few other personal issues that are not mine to talk about other than one on one with my therapist.

While in my session last week I finally decided to get down to the nitty gritty of the issues between Patrick and myself. Don't get me wrong, Patrick and I have a wonderful marriage. I love this man more than anything. I would do anything for him and I know that he would do anything for me. But my last relationship was one filled with heartache, heart break and no trust. My ex did a number on me and I have never fully recovered from it because I spent so much time pushing my feelings down. Because of this, my relationship with Patrick has never been able to reach it's full potential.

I asked my therapist to ask me questions. I don't know why, and it really doesn't matter why, but I work better about talking about myself (especially about this topic) when I am asked questions. I tend to go off topic when I just start talking about something...

We had a wonderful session and I was given the homework assignment to write an "F" You letter. Or a letter that you write to someone that you never intend for them to see. I wrote it and I felt cleansed afterwards, which was exactly what it was meant to do. Cleanse the wounds so that I can now learn how to heal those wounds and finally move on...

It took me a while to decide to share this. I had planned on keeping it a draft. I know the point is to destroy the letter afterwards, but I think this may be a letter that is worth keeping, to look back on when things get difficult and I find myself having a difficult time remembering that Patrick is not my ex, would never do what my ex did and should not have to pay for my exes mistakes.

I decided not to type the letter out to share for the world to see, but I did want to share my experience of writing the letter.

My ex abused me mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically and financially. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish it didn't take me 5 years to get over the pain it caused. I'm embarrassed by that fact. But at the same time I am so happy to be getting the closure I so desperately desire.

I highly suggest this writing exercise and am sure that this will not be the last letter I write.

I meet with my therapist again tonight and am hoping to read the letter to her as well as to figure out the next step on this process.