I Feel Like a Failure

I keep trying new things that last a day or two and then I give up. I'm either not strong enough, not patient enough, I don't have enough self control, etc. In all of these new things I realize that I am not enough.

This post is more of a ramble than any realization I could make. I have no profound thoughts. I also may be two glasses of wine in and am not quite sure what will come out of this.

I got rid of the scale almost two months ago. The first month went by and I felt great. I was learning how to appreciate my body the way that it is. I felt happy. Genuinely. The problem? I wasn't watching what I was eating. I fell into old habit with my eating, stopped going to the gym and expected things to change for the better.

I know this doesn't work, but isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

After hearing good reviews about Intuitive Eating and the The Body Image Workbook, I decided to buy them. I started with the workbook. I took the initial quizzes to see where I was starting at. I reverted back to the negative self talk. I started hating my body again.

At this time I had also done a little online shopping. I have decided that I wanted some more work appropriate outfits and ordered in a size 12, the size I have been wearing that has been fitting comfortably.

The orders have been arriving over the past couple days. They are all tight. Not horribly (well, not according to Patrick), but it's just not what I wanted or what I was hoping for.

I am so disappointed. In the clothes, in my body, in myself.

But no one can change it but myself.

So, once again.. I'm back at it. Starting tonight I plan on continuing to read Intuitive Eating. Starting tomorrow I plan to get back to working out, and more than just running. I also plan on having more self control in regards to my eating.

I can do this..

Maybe if I say it enough I will actually start to believe it.

Currently

After reading a blog a while ago (HelloMissKelly) I came across a post that I really liked. She found this particular type of post here.

I'm planning on posting a new "Currently" update on the first of every month. I think that will give me enough time between posts for things to have changed. And I can add my current measurements, BMI and body fat % and even our net worth as well.

Loving: Fashion. This isn't a new development, but one that I am getting more serious about. I love the way that clothing makes me feel when I can put an outfit together and not just throw on pants and a t-shirt. There is just something about being put together that makes me hold my head a little higher and have a smidge more confidence about myself. This love of fashion often times has me searching pinterest for ideas which in turn makes me wish that I had these clothes. I know that for now I can make due with what I have and just continue to keep my eye out for cute clothes and good sales.

I've been using pictures off of pinterest for inspiration to make cute outfits with the clothes I have. I just wish my clothing selection was bigger, but I'm working with what I have. Here are a few of the pictures I have saved:

Reading: I am in the middle of a few books. I tend to do that and then I just randomly stop because I feel like I have too many things going on at once and because other things in my life take more priority over reading. I love to read, even if I am a slow reader, but sometimes my time is better spent on other things that make me happy as well, most importantly being my family. But I also enjoy crocheting and other crafty things, so it's just a matter of making the time to read daily, even if it is only for 10-20 minutes before bed.

Watching: I have very few shows that I watch on a regular basis. Same goes for movies. I'm just not a big fan of either. Since it is summer, I do have my guilty pleasure of Big Brother. I try to watch it live, but I tend to forget when it's on so I DVR it and catch up when I have some free time. The only show that I watch religiously is American Dad weeknights at 10pm on Cartoon Network. Most adults my age are either sleeping or watching the 10 o'clock news, but I just cannot handle it. I would much rather watch something light that makes Patrick and I laugh then something that I personally find depressing.

Anticipating: Isabel starting kindergarten in 18 days! I cannot believe that she will be starting elementary school and I just know that I am going to be a mess that day. My little girl is growing up, and since the chances of Patrick and I having any children of our own is pretty small, this may be the first and last time I have a kindergartener. She is so excited to be starting school and I am so excited (as well as terrified) for her. She is a smart little girl and I can only hope that her teachers notice that and work with her instead of her getting in trouble. I took the entire day off of work so that I can be there to drop her off and pick her up. It's such an exciting time!

Planning: I am beginning to plan my training schedule for the next few months leading up to Santa to the Sea. My awesome sister already created a schedule for our long training runs on the weekend, however she is currently still debating whether or not she is going to be running LA this year. I am in desperate need of a weekday training plan and figure there is no better time to work on that. I am hoping that despite Patrick's schedule (which we won't know until the week before) that I will have full support of my parents and of Patrick to make sure I get in these workouts when scheduled. It may be time to start going to bed earlier than I do in order to wake up earlier to get my workouts in before work. That could eliminate a lot of problems. I'm planning on printing out this monthly schedule and posting it at work at my desk, at home on the refrigerator and the bathroom mirror, and maybe even in my car. The more I see it the more accountable I will feel to accomplish the daily workout.

Working on: Scheduling and following through on workouts. It would help me to see a monthly workout schedule, but I can already tell it's going to be an issue without knowing Patrick's schedule ahead of time. I would love to get into the routine of going to the gym in the morning before work, but on the mornings that Patrick opens I can't go because I won't be home in time to be with Isabel, get her up and take her to my parent's before heading off to work. It's not the end of the world to go to the gym after work on those days, but I would feel guilty working out for an hour and a half when I get off of work rather than an hour in the morning and a half hour at night. I know it will all work out, but for now it is slightly frustrating.

Wishing: That we already owned a house. We are still a ways away from even beginning to look at houses, but that doesn't keep me from wishing that we arlready owned a house. I go with my mom once a month (except I had to miss this month) to a swap meet nearby. I am always finding great deals on little miscellaneous items. I have also found some things that I would love to put into our home, but our current home is just too small. No, buying a house because I want to decorate it is not a good enough reason to start looking, but it does inspire me to work harder towards saving so that it can happen sooner rather than later. Since we have only just fixed up our budget and are only just beginning to implement it, we really have no idea how long it will take us to save enough money for a down payment. I would like to have a decent amount before borrowing from the bank and it may take us a few more years to get there.

Measurements
Arm (L): 

Last month: 13"
This month: 12.75"

Difference: -0.25"

Thigh (L): 
Last month: 27"
This month: 26.75"

Difference: -0.25"

Bust: 
Last month: 41"
This month: 40.5"

Difference: -0.5"

Waist: 
Last month: 35.5"
This month: 35"

Difference: -0.5"

Hips:
Last month: 45"
This month: 44.5"

Difference: -0.5"

BMI: 
Last month: (From weight taken on 7/7) 27.91- overweight
This month: (From weight taken on 7/28)-  27.32- overweight

Difference: -0.59

Body fat %: 
Last month: (From weight taken on 7/7)- 31.37%
This month: (From weight taken on 7/28)- 30.98%

Difference: -0.38%

Net worth:
Last month: (As of 7/26/13)- $19,046.59
This month: (As of 8/1/13)- $20,593.46
Difference: +1,546.87

What are you currently up to?
Be sure to respond in the comments, or link back here! (Again I got this idea from Kelly @ Hello Miss Kelly and she got the idea from Cara @ The Marvelous Flight of Cara )

My Current Top Ten Future Personal Goals

1. Save up enough money to send my children to college

2. Save up enough money for a down payment on a house

3. Have more pictures taken of myself instead of always being behind the camera.

4. Make a chore chart and stick with it to keep a clean and organized home.

5. Read more.

6. Keep a written journal and stop tearing pages out of it.

7. Stick to planned budget and track spending.

8. Limit personal shopping trips.

9. Limit eating out to 2 times a week.

10. Continue to dress for success.

Inner Bitch

A couple years ago for Christmas my best friend got me a desk calendar for work. It's one of those daily ones with quotes. It was called "Getting in Touch with your Inner Bitch" and it fit our sense of humor perfectly.

While I was out on medical leave for my wrist, the calendar sat there unread. I came back to work and the date still read March 29, 2012.

It got me thinking about what I did (or didn't) do while I was out on leave and I realized that I did not use my time off wisely. I felt sorry for myself that I couldn't do certain things, like run or shower by myself. There were many occasions where I would cry for no reason because I didn't have the energy to get out of bed that day. Many times Isabel would be in one room watching cartoons all day while I laid in bed because I was in too much pain to get up and couldn't open the bottle of pain relievers (we quickly realized to leave the bottle open in a location that she could not reach). I couldn't sign checks so paying bills was difficult. I was bored all the time so I hung out with my mom a lot which meant we went shopping a lot which meant I spent most of my savings. I gained a lot of weight because if I wasn't shopping then I was eating.

I had such high hopes for what three months off of work would mean for me. A clean house, a closer relationship with my family, less stress, time to workout, etc. All positive things.

I started reading through the calendar, catching up on the quotes and sarcasm I had missed. I started to notice a trend. A lot of the days had thoughts about weight and body types. About accepting your body. About being positive.

In a time that I so desperately hated my body and what I had done to it, I needed those quotes. So I saved them. And I want to share them with you. This is the second year I have received the calendar as a gift and I truly hope I get another one this year!

___________________________________________________________________________
"I wish I had known as a teenager what I know today about my body, that whatever the shape or size, it's perfect." - Felicity Huffman

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddha. Your Inner Bitch wants you to be as nice to yourself as you are to everyone else.

"The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. There's just you, this moment and a choice." - Oprah Winfrey. Your Inner Bitch wants you to make the most of all three of these things.

You know all those magazines on the stands right now that are promising you a "beach ready body" in six weeks? In honor of Earth Day, leave them on the racks- and consider learning how to enjoy the body you have now.

Inner Bitch Food for Thought: Let's just stop saying "I've been really bad!" when all we've done is eat a little chocolate cake. It was just chocolate cake,  no need to judge so harshly.

Be yourself- some people will adore you, some won't. Your Inner Bitch wants you to remember this is your life and it's up to you to live it the way that works for you.

Today is "Do One Thing Just for You Day." Work out. Use your lunch hour to read a chapter of your favorite book. Order your favorite take-out for dinner. Your Inner Bitch wants you to choose what will make you happiest.

Today is "Focus on Your Strengths Day." Instead of concentrating on self improvement, your Inner Bitch wants you to spend today thinking about how great you really are. Because you are really great.

Today is "I'm Good Enough Day." Because your Inner Bitch knows how many days you've spent thinking you weren't.

Your Inner Bitch wants you to be comfortable in your own skin. So make peace with your thighs, your size, your hair color, and if you can't make peace, do what you can to change them.

We all have clothing that's going to fit "when I lose 5 pounds." Your Inner Bitch wants you to dress the body you have right now.

Be Your Best at Marathon Running- Part 1

I started reading Be Your Best at Marathon Running by Tim Rogers about a week ago and I could not put it down. There is something about reading about running that makes me want to run...

This book has a lot of useful information regarding running your first marathon. Since I have already completed three marathons I found a lot of the information to be a repeat to what I already know. But it never hurts to have a refresher course. And since I never read anything the first, second or even third go at running a marathon, this is a very informative book to me. There were a lot of things that I didn't take into consideration and a lot of things I wish I had known then.

But I can't go back and learn then what I know now. So I will continue to read, continue to learn and continue to run. And in doing those three things I will continue to improve.

So far I have made it through about a third of the book and am ready to share what I have learned up to this point. As with all books I review on here I want to highly suggest reading this book. There is so much information in this book that it would be impossible for me to include it all here without typing the book word for word. Instead I have included highlighted parts from each section that I personally found the most useful as well as my top 5 from the books "10 Things to Remember" at the end of each section.

Chapter One: Are you up to it?
Top tips & Insight:
"Be prepared to make major lifestyle changes and make sure that those closest to you totally support your efforts."

"If you don't commit the time to your training you will have a thoroughly miserable race day and potentially not even finish."

"Although it's not advisable to carry out too many of your training runs on a treadmill, it's a good alternative and obviously better than skipping your training session completely."

"If you are really struggling to get out on a training run, apply the two-minute rule. Say to yourself 'I am just going to run for two minutes' and then make the decision to continue or not. I guarantee you'll find that once you have started, you'll continue and complete your session."

"The secret to successful fundraising is a simple one- start early. If you begin your fundraising as soon as possible and continue to have it uppermost in your thoughts from the minute you sign up, right up until race day, then you are far more likely to achieve your target."

Things to Remember
1. You will be able to complete the marathon distance if you are committed, focused and train correctly.
2. Training for a marathon won't just impact on you, it will affect many others greatly.
3. You need to commit to your training plan- you must be committed from day one and regard it as your bible right up until race day.
4. Sometimes you'll need to be selfish- you'll need to have a singular focus throughout your quest to run a marathon in order to succeed.
5. Dietary changes are inevitable. You'll need to be prepared to reduce your alcohol and fatty foods, and increase carbohydrate-rich sources.

Chapter Two: Choosing your first marathon and getting a place
Top tips & Insight:
"Don't underestimate how much motivation you will glean from spectators on race day; support from the crowd can be the difference between completing the marathon distance or not. It's hard not to carry on running when you hear shouts of encouragement and applause from all around."

"Choose a charity with a cause with a cause that touches you personally, or that is close to your heart. This will not only make a positive difference to your fundraising, but, and more importantly, will give you that extra drive to commit to training, and will greatly enhance your experience on race day."

Things to Remember:
1. Define what you most want to achieve from completing a marathon. This will help you choose the most appropriate event for you.
2. Your choice of event should not be a flippant one, take time to make this decision.
3. If you do run for a charity, try to choose a cause that has a personal connection. This will help your fundraising, training and enhance your race day experience.
4. If you do run for a charity, training and fundraising aren't exclusive goals: it's a dual challenge.
5. Bigger events can be harder to get a place in, but the crowd support will be immense and can be the difference between completing the distance or not.

Chapter Three: You're in, now what?
Top tips & Insight:
"It is important to keep a training log and monitor your progress against a series of short-, medium- and long term goals."

"The sooner you get your mind to work on focusing on smaller challenges that lead toward to an overall goal, the better. This is the key to marathon training and running on the day, to break the challenge down to manageable sections, which you tackle on by one."

"You are not alone in your marathon challenge and making a connection with others aspiring  for the same goal is very important. Blogs are one of the best ways to monitor training and network with others, you can exchange advice, highs and lows from the very start of your training right through to race day, and beyond."

"Because running is seen comparatively as a 'simple' sport, and not requiring vast amounts of equipment, many people underestimate the importance of appropriate kit. Yes, to start a career in running is straightforward, requiring a few key items- but these items need to be fit for the purpose and suit of your needs."

Things to Remember:
1. Get a medical check-up to ensure you have the 'all clear' to start your training.
2. Choose a training plan and stick to it.
3. Talk things through with family and friends and start to plan how to fit your training into your current lifestyle and commitments.
4. Start a training log or blog to track your progress.
5. Enjoy the experience; be excited about the challenge ahead of you.

Chapter Four: The right gear
Top tips & Insight:
"If you choose the right gear, you will enjoy your running much more. Adapt to the conditions and invest!"

"When you try on any item of kit before buying, take a few running steps or at least mimic a running action to get an idea of how it'll feel. You might feel a bit silly, but doing this will help you choose comfortable kit that is right for you."

"Reflective snap bands are really useful and versatile; they simply snap around your wrists, upper arms or ankles and instantly add a reflective quality to any item of your running kit."

"Kit that you like wearing, or look forward to wearing, will have an impact on your willingness to train. You are far more likely to get out on your planned training runs in kit you feel excited about wearing."

"Remember at the peak of your training you'll be running for well over three hours. Bear this is mind when you are selecting any item of gear, a slightly scratchy cuff after ten minutes can become a nightmare situation two hours into a long training run."

"Fast-paced music can instantly raise the heart rate and give you an energy boost just when you're starting to flag- and it can also help you to sustain your rhythm, when you can literally exercise in step with the music."

Things to Remember:
1. The right kit will make you run better, prevent injuries, keep you safe and make you feel good.
2. The most expensive doesn't necessarily mean the best, although more often than not you get what you pay for.
3. When buying your shoes get your gait analyzed.
4. Layering several thinner garments is the best way to protect you from the cold.
5. Look for kit made from fabrics that are described as 'wicking' and 'breathable'.

Reading About Running

I love to read.

I love to run..

I love to read about running...

It makes sense. I think that there is so much more to running than getting out there and doing it, although that's the most important aspect. Running is physical and mental and anything to get you through a run is important.

My original "ritual" for running were my knee high socks. I have half a drawer full of knee high socks. They were my thing for a while. I think it was because I'm a pretty quiet and reserved person and this was my way to go a little wild. I wore them the first time at our first Mud Run and continued throughout most of my races (including Mickey Mouse socks at the Disney half, Robin socks matching Rachel's Batman socks at the Hollywood Half and socks that had "Los Angeles" down the sides for the LA Marathon to name a few). I stopped wearing them as often when I noticed more and more people wearing them at races.

I decided recently that I wanted to add to my book collection, especially my running book collection. I think that reading about running and getting hints and tips about making through a run is an important part of the process. There may be something that you haven't thought of that can bring you to the finish line. Something that you would have never thought of before.

For me, I can sometimes get through a run just by thinking of an inspirational story that I have read about someone else and it can help me get through a difficult run because someone else has been through a lot worse. Granted it doesn't make the run any less difficult to get through, but sometimes just thinking "if they can do it, so can I" can push me to finish.

I've started reading the top book, Be Your Best at Marathon Running. I'm enjoying the book. Although it is geared toward a first time marathon runner, there is still a lot of information in there that I am finding helpful. I hope that all of the running books I've found so far (and hope to find in the future) are as insightful as this one.

Running Gadgets and Gear

It is not very often that I buy myself an expensive present. I have no issue buying stuff for other people, or even the occasional shopping "spree". But ask me to spend $100 or more on myself on a single item and it takes me a very long internal debate as to whether or not I should.

It took me over a year and a half to be fitted properly for running shoes because I could not imagine spending that much money on a pair of shoes...

I received my current running shoes as a gift from my parents 12 days before this years LA Marathon. It was a necessity at that time. Either get new shoes or drop out of the marathon. And quitting was not an option. So my parents took me to the shoe store and I was fitted and I will never go back to trying to save money on running shoes by buying them at Kohl's or any other department store. A good pair of shoes can make or break you.

There are certain other running accessories that are necessary. I have a drawer in my dresser for running pants. A drawer of running shirts. And a drawer full of sports bras and knee high socks. Then I have a night stand that has a drawer that has my fuel, my fuel belt with water bottles, gloves and ear warmers (for the cold days).

The best gift I've ever received for running (besides my current pair of shoes) is the heart rate monitor Patrick bought me for Christmas a couple years ago. I love it and don't need to guesstimate how many calories I'm burning during each workout. I just need to replace the battery in the watch, but it has been well loved.

That brings me to the best gift I bought myself...

That would have to be, 100%, my GPS watch. No doubt about it. It was so worth the money I spent on it and the time I waited to get it (including multiple canceled orders for various reasons- mostly Amazon running out of the product). My main question I asked myself before I bought it was "will you use it?" And the answer was yes. And I do use it. All the time. It is by far the best thing I own, with a close second being my interval timer (but that was a no brainer and very inexpensive). The interval timer is a very convenient way to run intervals without having to look down at my watch. It's easy and I like easy!

I will say that I find myself enjoying a run so much more when I am running "naked". I highly enjoy using my GPS watch and interval timer. I love knowing the distance I have gone. I love knowing the speed I'm going. I love knowing how fast my mile is. I love being able to keep track of my progress. But, there is something about going out for a run and just running based on how you feel.

I usually run "naked" when I am just going for my 1 mile streak run. I know the distance from my front door and back that brings the distance to 1.18 miles. I know where to start running and I know where to turn around. I don't worry about how fast or how slow I'm going. All I have to do is just keep my feet moving.

The last running product I have that I would recommend are running books and especially a training log. I have recently added to my running book library and am starting to read more and more about running (more on that later). I don't think my training log is quite what it should be.

I haven't really added much more information other than 1) the date 2) daily miles 3) total miles (which also serves as total saved) 4) squats completed for the day (which will turn into the next workout I start up after the squat challenge is over) 5) streak day # (I have written the streak # I'm on every 5 days). I know some runner's write down thoughts and feelings about a run, but I'm not really there yet (I just bring all of that here). I personally enjoy updating my training log after a run. It helps me see where I'm at and I take pride when I see myself reach certain milestones.

Step Two: Identify and Detach Fron Your Negative Thoughts

I am still reading Love Your Body, Love Your Life and I really enjoyed this step and learned a lot from it. This step had a lot of exercises that make you dig deep and face a lot of your negative thoughts head on. It's not an easy step, but a necessary one in order to change the thoughts from negative to positive.

I have not started the exercises provided in the book yet. As of right now I am only reading through the book to get an idea of what Negative Body Obsession is. I do intend on going back through after I finish and doing the exercises in the book in order. Surprisingly, one of the exercises suggested in the book is to write a letter to your negative thoughts. This is something that I have started working on with my therapist, however I am writing my letter to someone instead of to a thought. But at least I have an idea of what to do and how to do it.

I have started reading Be Your Best At Marathon Running and am going back and forth between the two books. I am needing a little more motivation for running, so I am taking the time to read a little of both. Highlights from that book will be coming soon!

The following are the highlights I took from Step Two. I still highly suggest the book for anyone having difficulty accepting their body or for those who have a lot of negative self talk...

"It is when we discover that we are not our thoughts, and that we do not have to listen to our thoughts, that the path to freedom begins."

 

"Whoever you are, know that your thoughts do not define you."

 

"Where do your Negative Body Thoughts come from? The majority of them have most likely come from the people who have influenced you the most. Our parents gave us ideas about who we were, what we were capable of, what we were entitled to, and what we were worth. Our thoughts have also been influenced by teachers, siblings, friends and society at large."

 

"You can choose either to listen or not to listen, depending on whether the thought is useful, edifying, enriching, and evolutionary, or destructive, negative, and depleting."

 

"Once you identify and proactively detach from the negative thoughts, you can begin to cultivate and nurture positive thoughts that have the power to utterly transform your life."

 

"As you notice what you say to yourself, discover how these thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes make you feel and direct your behavior."

 

"The way you think about yourself will determine:

- The way you feel about yourself.

- The quality of your friendships.

- The quality of your career.

- The quality of your health.

- Basically... every aspect of your life."

 

"Those of us who struggle with Negative Body Obsession, regardless of its severity, often blame ourselves and aim negative emotions toward ourselves. We get angry at ourselves  for not having the right body, for not being beautiful, for not being perfect."

 

"Realize that as you begin to destroy Negative Body Obsession, you will need to address the emotions: the fear, the anger, the insecurity, and the pain that NBO has helped you avoid."

 

"When you detach from negative thoughts and begin to focus on more positive ones, you can actually help to transform your brain."

 



I am still highly enjoying this book and I am learning so much from it. I would definitely recommend reading this book yourself if you feel like you are suffering from those nagging negative voices in your head that bring you down. The notes I take from it may not be the points that are in there to help you, so picking up the book and reading it yourself would be the best way to take from it what you personally may need. There is so much in this book that I have underlined most of each chapter, but don't want to just type the whole book out here, so I urge you to find a copy!

Having a Bad Day

I highly doubt that there is a person in this world that goes without at least one day in there life where there is something they dislike about their body. I know that most people obsess over it and have difficulty finding positives about themselves (I'm one of them!).

So what happens when someone who is working on their negative body images, and having success, has an off day and begins to find themselves fall into their old habits? Well, for me, it would be turning to Google to find an article to read about what I'm going through and what I can do to work on it or prevent it the next time it happens.

The powers of Google brought me to an article that helped with exactly what I needed: How To Take Care of Yourself During a Bad Body Image Day.

The ten steps provided were not only what I needed for that particular day, but are steps that I plan on including with my motivation wall so that I can read them often. I don't ever plan on bad days, but they happen and when they do I want to mentally be prepared to tell those  negative voices to shut up.

When talking to my therapist a few weeks ago, I compared my negative thoughts to a stray cat. I don't know where it comes from but I keep feeding into those thoughts so they keep coming back. Just like when you feed a stray cat, it will keep coming back for more. My goal is to have positive thoughts for back up so that when a negative thought appears I have something to fight it off with.

I want to highly suggest reading the original article because there are some wonderful tips on there, including an explanation of the authors movement and for this particular article there is more to each step than what I am writing here. What I'm providing are just the steps, in order to understand it more please read the article on the Internal Acceptance Movement.

1. Recognize that fat isn't a feeling.
2. Treat yourself as you would a friend.
3. Recognize that you are so much more than the size of your body.
4. Shift your focus from the external to the internal.
5. Think about what you want to be remembered for after you die.
6. Instead of focusing on the size of your body, start focusing on what your body allows you to do.
7. Challenge your negative thoughts.
8. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.
9. Do self care.
10. Be kind with yourself.

I know that if I am prepared for a bad day then there is no negative thought that can take over. No, I'm probably never going to have a 100% good day. I'm probably never going to love every single part of my body. But why shouldn't I strive to have that perfect day where I can focus on so many other things other than the size, weight and appearance of my body?

Wednesday June 12th

I've been able to get in my arm workout and complete my squats in the morning, but I've been consistently waiting to run until the evenings. Not waiting, but putting it off. 

I don't want to wake up early to run.. Or Patrick has to open so I can't go in the morning.. Or it's too hot.. Or I just ate.. Or.. 101 other excuses. 

So I go at night and so far it hasn't been too bad. The only issue with waiting that long is that the excuses start up pretty early and it's difficult for me to take that first step out the door.

So last night I made the decision to run in the morning since I have plans tonight...

I set my alarm and got up at 7:30. I put on my running shoes and I went for my run. 3.10 miles done. A 5K finished before 8:30. Not my best time, not my best run. But I did it. I did it and I didn't have to worry about it all day. 

That is a great feeling and may be incentive enough to do it again tomorrow. We'll see...

 

In other running news, I made my way over to the used book store across the street from our apartment. It's a $5 or less bookstore and I absolutely love it. I was lucky enough to make it over there before dinner with no children so I was able to actually look for books in the adult section of the store without complaint from a 5 year old.

 

I normally look at the health section for books on running, as this is where other exercise type books are located. I rarely find what I'm looking for though. Tonight I made my way over to the sports section and low and behold there was a section specifically for running. Yes, sometimes I lack common sense...

 

I have a small collection of running books, only one of which I have read. But I am hoping to add to my running book collection and I am hoping to start reading them to build up my education on the sport as well as learn some hints and tips. Tonight I was lucky and found four books that caught my eye, all for $17:

 

- Be Your Best At Marathon Running by Tim Rogers 

- The Complete Book of Running for Women by Claire Kowalchik

- Running on Faith by Jason Lester

- The Complete Book of Running by James F Fixx

 

So far my favorite author of running books is Dean Karnazes, however I have yet to find any of his books at the used store and I'm not ready to pay full price. This may be a good item to add to my growing Christmas wish list... I have downloaded a few of his books on my Nook (including my favorites 50/50 and Run! 26.2 Stories of Blisters and Bliss) but there is just something about holding a book that I love. And I am hoping to one day have book shelves filled with books.

 

Wednesday June 12th:
Goal: 1540
Food: 1717
Exercise: -310
Net: 1407

Breakfast:
Whole wheat waffles, peanut butter, coffee, creamer, splenda
Calories: 327

Lunch:
Chicken tortilla soup
Calories: 360

Snack:
Apple, candy
Calories: 480

Dinner:
Chips & salsa, grilled shrimp dinner
Calories: 550

Dessert:
Soy milk
Calories: 60

Exercise:
1 mile intervals, 1 mile run, 1 mile walk, squats, arm workout
Calories: -310

Positive: I am loving how my legs are looking. My calves and shins are getting some definition and I love seeing my hard work pay off. 

Step One: Set A Powerful Intention

As I continue to read Love Your Body, Love Your Life I find myself learning a lot and in turn changing how I think about myself. Changing my thought process from a negative to a positive has helped me to change how I see myself on a day to day basis.

I find my negative voices are quieter and come around less frequently. I know I still have a long, long way to go, but this is such a huge step on that journey. I can look at myself in the mirror now. Not only look, but I don't feel the urge to criticize every single thing I don't like. 

I don't necessarily stand there and praise myself either, but the decrease in negative self talk shows progress and for that I am grateful. 

It's taken me awhile to finish reading the first step of the Five Steps to Freedom. It's been a mixture of reasons as to why it's taken me so long (including fear of changing), but I've finally gotten back into reading the book and into making the changes necessary to stop obsessing over my body.

The following are the highlights I took from Step One. I still highly suggest the book for anyone having difficulty accepting their body or for those who have a lot of negative self talk...

"NBO (and other limiting thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors) disempowers and deactivates the power of intentions."

 

"Here are some of the main ways that NBO can block your ability to connect with the field of intention and manifest your desires:

1. NBO ties your self-worth to a specific outcome. This makes it difficult, if not impossible, to detach from the results.

2. NBO causes you to reject or deny your inherent beauty, goodness, and strength.

3. NBO affects the quality of your intention because it comes from a place of desperation rather than a place of love."

4. NBO highlights your fears instead of your trust and self-love."

5. NBO makes it difficult to accept the present (and love yourself as you are right now).

 

"Relying on an outcome disempowers your  intention because when you let your self-worth be determined by a specific result, you are denying the fact that you are inherently beautiful, lovable, and worthwhile exactly as you are, right here and right now."

"Whether your self-worth is determined by your body size, your bank account size, or by anything else in your life, the principle remains the same: when you make your self-worth dependent on a particular outcome, you deny part of yourself and therefore weaken your connection to intention and your ability to manifest greatness in your own life."

 

"You must form intentions from a place of acceptance, instead of from a place of rejection."

 

"When you experience life as always providing exactly what you need, in exactly the right amount, at exactly the right time, a couple of things happen:

1. First, you align yourself with the universal power of intention, which is by nature always-providing...

2. Second, you begin to experience trust...

When these two forces take hold, your mindset will change."

 

"A powerful intention may invoke fear because it is outside your comfort zone."

 

"Your lack of acceptance of the present moment adversely impacts your intentions for a number of reasons:

1. It puts you in opposition to the energy of the universe.

2. It puts you in opposition to yourself.

3. You drain important energy away from your intentions.

4. It makes you attract negativity.

5. You are limiting your power as a creator."

 

"Accepting the present does not mean you will not or cannot change."

 

"Many of the people who struggle with NBO don't believe that they deserve to receive what they want."

 

"Entitlement is the voice of the ego, demanding that life provide you with exactly what you want, when you want it. Abundance is the quiet reality that we all deserve and most people sell themselves short of receiving."

 

"Here are some likely reasons you may have failed in the past:

1. You probably did not have the right information to lead you to the fulfillment of your goal.

2. Perhaps part of you did not feel you deserved it, or wasn't sure you even really wanted it.

3. Maybe you didn't have the support you needed to fulfill your desire."

 

"You may not achieve something your first try, or your second, or your third. Almost every great accomplishment has been achieved through a series of perceived failures. So-called failures are simply learning opportunities so you can do better the next time you try."

 

"You might very well find yourself in conflict regarding your intentions. You may feel excited and motivated one moment and fearful and helpless the next."

 

"Trust that your body will find it's own healthy weight in its own time and that you will develop a healthy relationship to food and your body."

 



I am still highly enjoying this book and I am learning so much from it. I would definitely recommend reading this book yourself if you feel like you are suffering from those nagging negative voices in your head that bring you down. The notes I take from it may not be the points that are in there to help you, so picking up the book and reading it yourself would be the best way to take from it what you personally may need. There is so much in this book that I have underlined most of each chapter, but don't want to just type the whole book out here, so I urge you to find a copy!

 

Please also share if you have found a book about positivity and working on changing your negative thoughts. I would love something to read when I finish with this that will help me continue on this road of change!

Life Without NBO & What Are Intentions?

I have been reading Love Your Body, Love Your Life for a few days now and I couldn't be happier with what I've been reading. I continue to believe that this is just what I needed and I think the timing couldn't have been better.

I am getting anxious to begin The Five Steps to Freedom, but I know that it is important to read the first part of the book (Understanding Your Journey) so that I can fully understand what the steps are and why. I truly want to make this work, but I know I will only get out of this what I put into it.

So I've been continuing to underline the parts that stand out the most to me. I've never done this in a book before for the simple reason that I haven't read a self help book before. I've looked for something to help me in the past, but could never find what I needed. Until now. Which makes sense because I wasn't quite ready for it before now.

I highlighted my top ten parts of chapter one here and chapter two here. The following are my highlights from the rest of part one:

"You probably spend most of your time thinking about what you don't have and what you aren't. In order to live without NBO, you need to imagine what you could have."

"The more you focus on loving and accepting your body and enjoying it as an ally on your journey through life, the more you will create those feelings in your life."

"In order to change your life, you must first change your mind."

 "Whether you are a middle-aged man or woman carrying a little more weight than you would like, an emotional eater, someone struggling with obesity, someone suffering from anorexia or bulimia, or a teenager dreaming of being the latest pop star, you can break free from Negative Body Obsession."

"'Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.'"

"Intention is the force that animates and orchestrates everything in the universe without effort and without strain."

"Key attributes of intention:

• Intention is all-inclusive. There is nowhere that it is not and nothing it does not include.

• Intention is always on time. It provides what the universe needs, when it needs it."

"In order to successfully manifest your intentions, you want to align yourself with the field of intention."

"According to the Law of Detachment, in order to manifest your dreams and desires, you must first relinquish your attachment to them."

"Trust that the universal force of intention, which is always on time, will fulfill your desires when the time is right."

I think my favorite section of part one is How to Set an Intention and the Criteria of a Successful Intention. They are manageable to do and make sense, which helps me because I really can't handle anything too complicated right now. I need something that will bring me success easily, and from what I've read that's exactly how this works. I no doubt will have to put work into it, but I'm willing to do what it takes!

I am really looking forward to part two and plan to start reading it right away so that I can begin to change my way of thinking. Having a positive attitude about all of this and especially having a positive mind set about my body will bring me the greatest success. I'm sure I will continue to fail and restart if I continue to think negatively about myself and about my body.

My new rule of life? Positive Positive Positive!

Chapter Two: How We Learned to Hate Our Bodies

As I continue to read Love Your Body, Love Your Life by Sarah Maria I realize that this book is exactly what I needed to read to help me get to a positive place. I wasn't even in the book store to look for a book for me. In fact, I found this book as I was heading to the front door to leave and it caught my eye.

Chapter Two focuses on understanding where the negative body obsessions started and how understanding the cause of the negativity can help you heal and move forward to a more positive place in your mind.

Unfortunately, I have no idea where my negativity comes from. I cannot pinpoint a specific moment and there were no traumatic events from my childhood that I can blame. Nothing out of the ordinary other than some intense teasing from 6th grade through my senior year of high school, but not enough to put me in such a negative place over ten years later.

The book lists the following as contributing factors to the problem: media, your brain, fast food/computers and your parents. 

For me, these are the top ten points that I  have taken from the second chapter:

"The root cause of NBO is not realizing that each and every one of us is intrinsically beautiful and inherently valuable exactly as we are, right now."

"Most people live from a place of delusion and illusion, believing that they need to change something or hold on to something in order to be beautiful, desirable, adequate, and worthwhile, and this is what we see reflected in our culture." 

"It's important to realize that beauty, or attractiveness, is a socially constructed phenomenon that changes constantly. As societies evolve and change, so does their concept of the 'ideal' body."

"It is only when you uncover and uproot the ultimate illusion- that you need to change in order to be beautiful, lovable, and worthwhile- that you can begin to change yourself, the media, and ultimately the world around you."

"Diet and lifestyle choices that you make from a place of love and acceptance have a far greater chance of success than ones premised on shame and inadequacy." 

"Self-acceptance and self-love provide you with the courage, the energy, and the enthusiasm to make choices that move you further in the direction of health and well-being." 

"It is only possible to accept others unconditionally when you accept yourself unconditionally."

"Although there are a variety of contributing factors, NBO has ultimately been caused and perpetuated by an erroneous reality that places your sense of self-worth in how you look, what you have, and what other people think of you."

"The solution comes from deciding to change your thought patterns and create a different reality."

"As you come to truly know yourself, your reaction to the media will change; your brain will be healed; you can break free from any limiting beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors that are keeping you trapped."

I can already tell this is going to be one of those books that I will read repeatedly and gain so much from. I feel like it's almost too good to be true, to find exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it. But at the same time I think that's why I found it.

"Love Your Body, Love Your Life"

There are many ways to lose weight. Some are healthy, most are not. And every single healthy one will fail if you are not 100% committed. Believe me, I've tried..

To me, committed is not just healthy eating habits and exercise. To me committed includes the mental aspect of losing weight.

This is a recent development in my weight loss journey. After a decade of yo-yo dieting, a decade of success and failure, a decade of disliking my body I have finally come to the conclusion that losing weight is as much (if not more) mental than it is physical. 

My weight loss history includes attempts that I am proud of (including reaching lifetime status twice using the Weight Watchers program) and attempts that I am not proud of (a variety of weight loss pills that did not help me lose any weight). I have learned a lot in the past ten years about losing weight. I know that there are no quick fixes. I know that diets don't work and that if it is going to work then it needs to become a lifestyle change. I know that no matter what weight I am at I am not happy with my body.

That last lesson is a work in progress, and the reason that I am now focusing on working on my mind as much as I am working on my body.

With the help of a therapist, I came to the conclusion that I am a very negative person when it comes to myself and especially my body. I don't have very many nice things to say about myself and when I do it is usually lead with a negative. It's unhealthy for the obvious reasons, but for me it is also a way to make sure that I fail in any attempt I try to make at changing my body for the better.

Like I said before, I have found that no matter what weight I'm at I can find something wrong with my body. Whether it was at my lowest adult weight of 145, my highest weight (albeit I was 9 months pregnant) of 220, or my highest post pregnancy weight of 182, there was always something I could find that I wanted to change.

Which brings me to finding a book which focuses on the mental side of what I'm going through. No matter what I do in regards to losing weight, it's never good enough. I honestly cannot explain it (no matter how long this post has become to try to). The book is "Love Your Body, Love Your Life: 5 Steps to End Negative Body Obsession and Start Living Happily and Confidently" by Sarah Maria.

Image from Barnes & Noble

The book is about Negative Body Obsession (or NBO), which according to the summary of the book "a whopping 90 percent of us are dissatisfied with our bodies."

The author has provided a 5 step plan to help those who suffer from NBO learn to:

• Commit to change
• Identify and detach from negative thoughts
• Discover who you really are
• Befriend your body
• Find your purpose
• Love your body, love your life

I've only read the first chapter, but I'm already sure that this is a positive step in the right direction for me personally. And for me, these are the top ten points that I have taken from the first chapter:

"80 to 90 percent of women, and growing number of men, dislike their physical appearance and are dissatisfied with their bodies."

 

"You accept less, much less, than you truly want, need, or deserve, because you feel inadequate about your body and yourself."

 

"We think we need to change something about ourselves in order to be deserving of love, attention, and affection."

 

"NBO is any and every thought, feeling, and action that makes your sense of self-worth dependent on your physical appearance."

 

"It is the feeling that if only you were taller, thinner, younger or stronger, you would be more deserving, more attractive, and more lovable than you are right now."

 

"NBO creeps in when your desires for improvement are motivated by a gnawing sense of inadequacy, a subtle belief that you are not quite wonderful the way you are."

 

"NBO, no matter how subtle or how acute the condition, prevents you from living you life to the fullest."

 

"If your Negative Body Obsession focuses on your weight, it can cause a difficult and frustrating relationship with food that can wreak havoc on your physical health and well-being."

 

"Fear is the root emotion of all negative responses, including phobias, panic disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and, of course, NBO."

 

"You will realize that you are already whole, beautiful, and perfect, just as you are right now."

There is so much more to this book and so much that I have underlined and taken from in just the first chapter. There are also exercises throughout the book that I am looking forward to doing in order to improve my outlook. I really have a good feeling about this step I am taking to improve my mental health in regards to my weight loss and how I see myself.

I have a lot of hope for myself this time and I can see this being the attempt that sticks. I have goals that I'm working towards without putting too much pressure on myself and I'm working at this from three different directions. I'm not saying I'm going to be perfect, and I'm not saying that I'm never going to trip up along the way, but I have a good feeling about this and I'm excited for the ride!