One Month Scale Free

It has been exactly one month since I have stepped on a scale.

I haven't really thought much about it and for some reason decided to look back to when I wrote my post regarding getting rid of the scale. It was on August 10th and I had weighed myself the day before. It was the last time I stepped on a scale and I have not looked back since.

I know that this way of thinking is not recommended for everyone, and I am in no way suggesting that other people do what I did, but I cannot believe the transformation I have made internally in such a short amount of time.

I decided to get rid of the scale because it was literally taking over my life. I had talked about it in therapy but was not finding what I needed in regards to figuring out why it was such a huge factor in measuring success. I cannot recall a time in my childhood that I was overweight or that weight was an issue. I was the smallest in my family weight wise and never thought anything of it. It wasn't until I was older that I started to really hear my mom talk negatively about herself. There are a few moments that I could pinpoint, but nothing drastic that should send me into a tailspin of self hatred.

But I was heading towards rock bottom in regards to the negativity I spoke about myself. I would say something awful in my head and then believe it until I spoke it aloud. Then I would hate myself even more. Poor Patrick had to deal with my waves of emotions when it came to my body and self image and was constantly trying to pick me up while I overtook his efforts and tore myself back down.

What's worse is that I said these things in front of Isabel. My worst fear as a parent is that my daughter will grow up with these negative body images. I know that it will more than likely happen, but I'm supposed to be the one to protect her, not teach her these behaviors.

When I realized that it was the scale that brought me down more than anything I decided to quit using it as a tool to measure success. It's not the only way to see the progress you are making and yet I was allowing that number to be the end all be all.

It was draining thinking about weighing in. It was draining feeling so great one minute and then so down the next all because there wasn't progress or it wasn't enough or worst of all I had gained. There were way too many factors that were affecting the scale and it was just, well, overwhelming.

I couldn't continue to justify gains. I had worked out and done strength training, gain. I had a lot of sodium, gain. It was that time of the month, gain. It was a full moon, gain. I just got out of the shower and my hair is wet, gain. The scale is not positioned in the correct location, gain.

Mind games.

In this past month I have used measurements as a way to track changes in my body. This past month I gained an inch in my waist, stayed the same in my hips and ended up losing in my arms, thighs and bust. I didn't spiral out of control when I saw that I had gained an inch. It was an amazing change to how I would have reacted weekly (or multiple times a week depending on how often I stepped on the scale) when I weighed in.

I asked Patrick the other night if he could tell a difference in my attitude towards myself and he said yes, with excitement. I feel as though he no longer has to pick me up when I hit the bottom. He no longer has to pry the food from my hands when I go overboard. He no longer has to constantly compliment me in order to keep my spirits up and the voices in my head at bay (although the compliments don't have to stop.. Hint Hint).

I did also ask him if he could tell a difference in my body. I didn't really want to ask the question because in all honesty he sees me every day and most likely will not notice a small difference the way I would, but alas my old habit did sneak back in. I didn't really get the answer I had hoped for. But I didn't freak out. I didn't try to justify his answer and point out the changes I could see until he agreed with me. Instead I took his answer for what it was, the truth of what he could see.

I can see a difference in my body. I am appreciating it more. I am looking at it from a whole different perspective. I am enjoying what I'm eating. I am enjoying what I'm wearing. I am enjoying working out. I am enjoying the changes that are occurring. I am enjoying the freedom that I have right now. I am not stressed about food. I am not stressed about weight. I am not stressed about calories or points. I am just feeling genuinely happy.

I am going to believe that these changes are because I no longer own a scale. That is the only thing that has changed. I no longer track my food because it was getting too complicated trying to find the balance of how many calories to eat back. I find that if I eat when I am hungry and eat the healthiest choices I can while still enjoying the unhealthy foods every once in a while then I don't feel deprived and actually find that my body is improving.

I don't know what I way and I don't have any desire to. I'm going to keep running, keep eating well, keep strength training and keep losing inches. Some months will be better than others. Some days will be awesome some won't. As long as I keep trying and keep improving health wise and as a person over all then I feel like I am doing something right.

I just feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. I'm not stressing and I am enjoying life. And my body freaking rocks!!

September 1, 2013

*This post was supposed to be published on September 1st, however I spent the evening in the hospital with my husband and found blogging to be the last thing on my mind. So, it's a little late, but I think it still applies.

Another month has begun and that of course means a time to start over (if needed) and make goals for the month. I posted one of my September goals yesterday, but there is a lot more that I would like to accomplish this month.

Although running and fitness are my top priority right now I know that I can't just make changes in that area of my life and expect to see changes. I have spent too much of the last month working out and then erasing any progress by eating whatever I want. I'm not really in a place right now where I want to track calories or points, so I am going to be trying Intuitive Eating.

I feel like this is something manageable that, if I work at it, I can handle doing for the rest of my life. I think the reason that this type of life style will work for me is because of the amount of running I'm going to be doing. I get confused easily with the calories in/calories out and I think that if I just focus on if I'm hungry or not, what I'm eating, and stopping when I'm satisfied that I could still see a change without stressing or obsessing over calories.

We'll see how it works and if I find that it's not then I can make adjustments along the way.

I find that as I add in strength training I am finding less negativity when it comes to my body. Yes, there are still the comments I make about myself that are not kind and I am still working on that, but for the most part I have seen a change and I am really happy with the progress I've made. All from putting the scale away and working out.

This month my goal for working out is to run at least 3 days a week, go to the gym at least 2 days a week and strength train at least 3 days a week. Any day. No strict workout schedule. No strict amount of time. Just get some strength training and running in. It feels good to be flexible.

Thursday Thoughts

Thankful Thursday:

Five things I am thankful for about myself

1. I am thankful for my smile. Lately I've just been feeling so much more positive and in feeling that way I have been smiling a lot more. I feel better when I'm smiling and (according to Patrick) I am more beautiful when I smile (not that I'm not beautiful when I don't smile...) I like smiling and I like laughing and I like feeling positive.
2. I am thankful that I think ahead when it comes to work. My best friend and coworker are always thinking ahead and trying to help people. This means more work for us, but it really feels nice to help someone. The office dynamic wasn't always like this and she and I rarely got the help we needed, so we vowed to never treat those under us the way we were treated.
3. I am thankful for my flexibility when it comes to working out. I have not made it to the gym at all this week and besides walking and running I have done nothing workout related. I'm not worried, stressed or upset at myself about it though because I am putting my family first and that's a good reason. Plus I'll be at the gym all weekend and next week will be a more normal week.
4. I am thankful that I am not concerned with the scale. After getting rid of it my attitude completely changed about my body. Obviously I'm not just going to suddenly love something I despised so much just because I don't know the number anymore, but I am accepting it and that feels great!
5. I am thankful for my creativity. Although I haven't been able to work on my crafts as much as I would like (financial and time play a factor) I think I have finally found the right way to make them so that they will look their best and hopefully I can start selling them soon.

Five things I am thankful for in life

1. I am thankful for my beautiful and intelligent daughter. Three days into kindergarten and the teacher wants to bump her up to second grade. Unfortunately she can't, so she will be talking to the principle about having her stay in the kindergarten/first grade split class but being a first grader. I am a ball of emotions about this (mostly good). I know it's a good thing, but I'm a mother, I worry. We'll see what happens...
2. I am thankful for bonuses at work. Although the bonus was not as much as I anticipated, it is still extra money that I normally wouldn't have had and I am grateful for it. I was hoping to be able to use it to pay Patrick's car insurance, but unfortunately it's not even enough to do that. It will help though and that's what I'm choosing to focus on.
3. I am thankful that I am focused on financial goals. I am always more motivated to do something when I have a goal in mind. Like with fitness, it helps get me to the gym when I know I need to reach a certain number of miles for the week. I enjoy it more because I am working towards something. For me, it's the same with financials. I so desperately want Patrick and I to be able to buy a house sooner rather than later. I know it may not happen in the time frame I have in mind, but that goal helps push me to do what I can to get there.
4. I am thankful that I have flexibility in my work schedule to be able to take Isabel to school. I am only taking her on the days that Patrick has to open, but it has been really nice getting up with her in the morning, having breakfast together and dropping her off. Next week I will only get to do it one day, and I know that it will vary week to week, but I love being able to participate in this. Normally it's either my mom or Patrick who drops off and picks up, so I like that I can be there for her too.
5. I am thankful that things seem to be heading in a positive direction. I feel positive about most things and am generally happy. I haven't felt this good for this long in quite some time, so I am just enjoying the ride without putting too much stress on anything. I am reaching my miles that I have set and I am enjoying watching our finances improve (savings go up, debts go down). I am focusing on getting rid of unnecessary items in our apartment and using that extra money for our house savings. I am excited to see where things go.

Throwback Thursday:
I think it's going to take me a little while to get used to posting pictures of myself from the past. I feel a little weird doing it, but there are not a lot of pictures of myself from the past five years and that's kind of something I regret. So I'm going to put them out there from all phases of the past few years. From my highest weight when I was nine months pregnant and the yo yo weights from then to now. I don't know how many pictures I actually have, but I think it will be good to come to terms with my past in order to accept who I am now.

It's been one hell of a journey and I am ready to see myself, maybe the way others saw me. Again, I don't know how many pictures there are of me since I'm usually the one behind the camera. I'm going to do my best to pick pictures that show my body since this is a weight loss/fitness blog (or at least it's supposed to be).

My photo CDs are in no particular order (an ongoing organizing task I have yet to find time or money to do). Since they are not in any order, the photo's I post weekly will also not be in any particular order. I will do my best to include a year, but most pictures will be from March 2008-present as that is when I started saving my pictures onto discs.

June 4, 2011- Patrick's cousins wedding.

I had recently hit my goal weight for weight watchers and treated myself to a Vera Wang dress from Kohl's. I felt great in the dress and let loose that night, not caring what people thought. It felt great to just enjoy myself and to dance like no one was watching. 

It's Official!

I have once and for all decided that I am getting rid of the scale. If I had to pinpoint one part of my weight loss journey that has given me the most emotional and mental anguish it would be that piece of equipment. And so it is time for me to part ways.

I feel as though I can be having a great week. I can eat well and exercise as planned. I can feel great going into Saturday morning and then I step on the scale and it's like nothing positive happened the week before. The workouts don't matter and the eating well and tracking mean nothing if that scale doesn't show progress.

Well that's just not right. Like, at all.

Just because the scale doesn't move doesn't mean that I'm not making progress. And a number on a scale should not dictate how my week went or my mood for the next day or two.

This negative body thing I have going on is not healthy for me mentally or physically and although I am in therapy I feel like I am making very little progress. It's frustrating and irritating and I am so over it.

So I decided that I need to get rid of the one thing that makes it worse.

The mental mind game that comes along with weighing in is too much for me to handle. When I lose I am happy the rest of the day. When I gain I go through a wave of emotions and it includes a lot of verbal abuse towards myself. I feel worthless and pathetic.

I know that I have attempted to stay off of the scale before and have not succeeded in doing so. This time I will actually be removing the scale from our home in order to keep it out of sight and out of mind.

Without knowing my weight I will not be able to track my BMI or my Body Fat %. I think that the less numbers I have to worry about the better. I really just want to be able to focus on my training and my measurements. I want to be physically fit and that may mean that I weigh over an "ideal" weight for my height.

I'm going to track my progress using measurements and taking progress pictures monthly and of course being able to see a change in my endurance fitness-wise. This is so much more important to me and I know that 6 out of 7 days a week. It's just that one day that I weigh in that everything else goes away and I am weighed down by a number that may or may not reflect the work I put into it that week.

The scale can be affected by so many things that it's actually a pretty silly way to track progress. It can fluctuate so much by something as small as sodium. I'm still stumbling around trying to find my way with eating and exercise and how many calories to eat back. It will take a lot of stress off of finding this balance if I can do it without worrying about that number.

And I've already seen proof from others and now myself that the number on the scale doesn't necessarily mean that your body is not changing. I took progress pictures after a 2 and a half month time period. My first picture I weight 181.8 and my second picture, 2 and a half months later I weigh 189. I weigh more, but my measurements are down and I look better (at least in my opinion...) This is huge to me and a much better way of looking at it then by weighing in.

Another part of that is when I look back at my pictures from last year after doing 30 day shred. I think I looked pretty good and yet I was still obsessed with a number that the scale said. I think this go around I don't want to know that number and just base things off of how I feel I look. I could be really happy with my body but not be a certain weight I think I should be at. That weight should be left up to my body to decide after giving it proper exercise and nutrition.

I'm actually pretty excited about this. Without it being in the apartment I won't be tempted to peek. This is going to be a positive thing. I can tell already.

Looking Good, Feeling Great!

Yesterday started day one week two of my training and what a start to the week!

Patrick and I both had to be at work early, so my run and the gym were both scheduled for the evening. I got in my two walks on my breaks at work and was ready to go for my run after work and before Isabel's swim lesson.

The nice thing about running before her swim lesson is that it's in a new area from my normal running courses so it makes things exciting. Yesterday's run was a little more difficult due to the warmer weather and the course I picked which included hills ("I love hills, I love hills, I love hills..."). My goal was to go for at least 30 minutes and for a minimum distance of 2.5 miles. I ended up making it just slightly over 3 miles in 38 minutes. My mile times are staying pretty consistent and under 12:30 minute miles which is pretty good for me, and although I would like to eventually get faster I am happy with this time considering a couple months ago I could barely break the 14 minute mile.

After swim I went straight to the gym for my hour scheduled workout. I decided instead of setting specific times for the elliptical and bike I would just go and see how I feel. Since I'm working on distance I feel like I may need to spend more time on the elliptical in order to reach my weekly and monthly goals whereas I can hit my bike goals pretty quickly.

I felt like my workout was great and I was wiping off sweat from my face and arms pretty much every couple minutes or so. I know that I looked like crap and I was damn proud of that.

I left feeling like I had worked hard and earned the calories I burned in that hour and ten minutes (833 to be exact). I left smiling because I know that I am making some progress on my training and it feels great to see that improvement.
At this point in time I am happy to say that I am learning to be patient with the results. It's a day to day struggle for me. I can look in the mirror one day and hate the way my body looks and wonder why I'm not seeing a difference yet and then I can be sitting here typing about a workout and know that I've only been doing this for a week and that it takes time to see results.

I know that if I stick with it then I will see my body change. Not just on the outside, but I know that my endurance will improve and that I will be capable of doing anything. It gives me more hope to track this progress more so than it does to track my weight. I'm contemplating making a huge change in that department soon and will be updating in the near future.

Not Enough

Food that is.

I've upped my workout routine and, according to my heart rate monitor, I am burning between 1500-2000 calories a day with exercise.

This means that I am supposed to be eating an extra 1500-2000 calories on top of the 1200 calories allotted a day. This seems like it's too much food for a day and I do have concerns about it.

I do not understand calories. I do not understand how one article says to burn more than you eat and another says to eat more to weigh less and that you should be eating those calories back. What I do understand is that when I'm hungry I want to eat and when I work out the way I have been then my appetite increases. I should be (and am trying to) eat back some of those calories the proper way (protein, fruits, veggies, complex carbs, etc) and I know that my body needs that fuel because it is working hard to keep up with my workout routine.

But... I get confused and I don't know what's the right way for me to go. This is where having a nutritionist or personal trainer who helps with nutrition would come in handy.

My first concern is that my heart rate monitor is not working correctly. I have taken my heart rate the old fashioned way a few times now and have compared it to my HRM watch. Every single time it has either said the same number or been 1-2 beats off. I can honestly say that when I go to the gym and spend 30 minutes on the bike or elliptical I am giving it my all. I am not, as Jillian Michaels would say, "phoning it in at the gym".

I'm not burning all of these calories at one time either. Tuesday, for example, looked like this:

4:45am- wake up
5am- quick snack and water
530am- gym (35 min bike, 30 min elliptical)- calories burned 784
7am- work (ate a banana and drank a cup of coffee)
9am- breakfast
10am- 1.37 mile walk (half uphill)- calories burned 215
1030am- snack
1130am- 2.10 mile walk (half uphill)- calories burned 333
1245pm- lunch
430pm- left work
5pm- 35 minute interval run- calories burned 479
615pm- dinner

I finished the day with eating 2200 calories and burning 1792 and I had 792 calories left over. I know that I could have picked better choices (dinner was out at Smashburger where I got a grilled chicken sandwich (yes with cheese!) and sweet potato fries (but I did not eat them all)), but when I got home I just was not hungry.

I am going to try to focus on the good healthy guidelines set by Weight Watchers- fruits & veggies, dairy, multivitamin, whole wheat, protein, healthy oils, etc. I think this will make up for some of those extra calories that I'm not eating, but I know I'm not going to be perfect every day.

I think that as long as I do one thing for the next 2-4 weeks (using the HRM for every workout, tracking, eating as many calories as I am hungry for and not forcing it) then it will be enough time to see if it's working or not. I know that my weight loss may stall for a while due to the intensity of the workouts and I am ready for that.

Right now I keep telling myself (and am believing) that I would much rather have a toned body with less body fat then see the scale get down to 150 (or whatever number in the healthy weight range it stops at). I know that if I continue to make these healthy lifestyle changes then my body is going to follow and I will slim down and have the body I'm working for.

The number on the scale is just one way to measure success. I passed up dessert last night at my in-laws... Success! I have been drinking 10+ glasses of water every day for the past two days... Success! I have tracked every bite, lick and taste for two days... Success! I have not binged for the past two days... Success! I have followed my workout schedule for the past two days... Success!

I need to stop the voices in my head that are confused about the calories in/calories out and just start listening to my body. I mean, if I'm working out, eating well (and to satisfaction) then everything else will fall into place.

This is not a sprint! My body may not see the results in the amount of time I wish. This is a marathon and it's going to take a while to get to that finish line. But I would be lying if I said that it isn't worth every painful step along the way to cross that finish line..

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 188.8
Last week's weight: 185.4
This week's weight: 189.4
This week +/-: +4
Total +/-: +0.6

Thoughts: I mentally prepared for a 1, maybe 2 pound loss this week. I had checked the scale both Thursday and Friday, so I knew my chances for a loss were pretty slim.

I talked to myself about it, knew it was coming, most likely knew the reason why and was trying to accept it as part of the process.

Seeing a 4 pound gain took me by surprise and was highly upsetting. There are reasons for it. High sodium yesterday and the increase in exercise this past week does still play a part. 

It stung having to type that weight into My Fitness Pal. It stung seeing my progress from the past month (-3.4) just go away. And it stings typing it here. 

I have once again surpassed my previous highest adult weight. 

There's no point sitting here thinking about it. I know the reasons for it, so I know the part that I can change for next week.

And the part that I can't change (the gain from exercising), well that's a positive change for my lifestyle and will catch up with the rest of my body at some point.

I know it seems silly to post progress pictures, because obviously the weight loss isn't going in the direction I had hoped, but it's been a while and in all honesty I think I look better.

My original pictures are on the left and were taking on May 20th. The current pictures on the right were taken this morning. I was 181.8 on the left at my original starting weight (I've restarted since then) and 189 on the right.
 

 

 

 

Not quite where I want to be, but proof that the scale is not a very good tool to show success. It's just one way to measure progress and I need to remember that on the weeks that it is up. 

Mental Preparation

Tomorrow is weigh in and I already know I'm going to see a gain.

I know this because I peeked at the scale this morning and it showed that I was up 2 pounds. A lot can change between this morning and tomorrow morning, so I'm doing my best to hope for the best but expect the worst.

This week was difficult for me mentally. I'm working out more which means I should be eating more. This is confusing to me and I'm going to be talking more about it later.

I know that it is expected to see your weight maintain and even gain when you start working out, but that doesn't stop the other half of my brain from talking negatively.

So today I have been and will continue to say the following things to myself:

"You did your best this week"- because in all honesty, I did. I worked out a lot and I made the best choices that I could. Next week I can only strive to be better than this week.

"It's one week"- in the grand scheme of things this one weigh in (or the next three) are not going to matter a year from now. I am making positive changes for my body and if the results don't happen right away it shouldn't be a reason to stop those positive changes.

"4 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks"- I've seen this pin on pinterest before and was reminded of it last night on facebook. It takes 4 weeks for you to notice changes in your body, 8 weeks for your family to notice and 12 weeks for everyone else to notice. I've been at this for 1 week. I cannot expect to see a difference yet or anytime in the near future.

"The scale is not the only measurement of success"- I took my measurements yesterday and I have lost inches in every single area. The overall number on the scale is also down. And I have been consistent with my workouts and have tracked my mileage. That's a lot of miles overall.

I am going to hope that saying these things today will help keep me from being upset tomorrow. I can pretty much guarantee that there will be some disappointment, but if I am able to just allow this to be one week, one weigh in on this life long journey then it really won't matter.

And it will make the losses that are bound to happen that much more appreciated.

My Current Top Ten Future Health Goals

1. Get down to a weight that is within my healthy weight range.

2. Maintain a healthy weight.

3. Get down to a healthy BMI.

4. Get down to a healthy body fat percentage.

5. Limit sweets to once a week to make them a treat.

6. Limit alcohol to once a week to make it a treat.

7. Consistently drink 6 or more glasses of water a day.

8. Track. Everything. Everyday.

9. Stay off of the scale except for on weigh in day.

10. Take pride in my body the way it is and for the things it has allowed me to do.

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 188.8
Last week's weight: 186.2
This week's weight: 185.4
This week +/-: -0.8
Total +/-: -3.4

I woke up this morning thinking that it was weigh in day, so I stepped on the scale and was both shocked and happily surprised by what I saw. But, I have a confession. I don't think I deserve this loss. I don't feel like I've been going too crazy with my eating, but I have not been tracking. At all.

I kind of fell off of the tracking/working out wagon and I'm trying to climb back on. I made a workout schedule for next week (that I will post tomorrow) and I am really looking forward to it. It seems like a lot, but it's really not that much and I know I can handle it. I have got to push myself in order to see the changes and I know that I am just an all around happier person when I am working out.

Tracking is such a simple thing to do. I have the app on my phone and have access to a computer at home and at work, so there really is no excuse. I will be tracking everything starting today and will post my menu's once a month so as not to get burnt out on doing that as well.

As far as the eating goes, I am hoping that since I am starting to train for all of the races I have scheduled that the eating healthy will become a priority and I can focus on fruits, veggies, protein, healthy fats and complex carbs. No more fast food or processed crap. It may be easier (and less calories) to grab a 100 calorie pre packaged snack, but it would be better for my body to grab a measured portion of nuts or veggies with hummus.

The workouts scheduled are hopefully going to burn both calories and fat and I do intend to stick with the My Fitness Pal way of thinking, eat more to weigh less. But again, I need to eat those calories the proper way- more ounces of chicken, whole wheat pasta or brown rice, etc.

It's all a choice and up until now I have been making the wrong choices.

So my decision is to get serious about this to earn my results, not just luck out in losing almost a pound when it may not have been deserved. It's appreciated, but not deserved. I know that I may see a stall in the scale continuing to go down once I start to work out again, but that's a part of the process and it's a reason as to why I am also focusing on measurements, body fat % and BMI.

Being so close to the first of the month I am getting a little antsy to check my BMI and my Body Fat %. I know that it's not going to have changed drastically since my beginning numbers are from a weight that I was at not that long ago, but it will be nice to see progress. I have decided to use an app on my phone to check both. I am fairly certain they are both accurate, however I would prefer to stick with the same calculator then different ones each month.

I am also looking forward to taking my measurements. I don't think that there will be much of a difference between last month and this month on these as well, but you really never know until you actually take the measurements.

I am so ready to see progress and to put in that work that is needed. I really think the negative experience I had with the personal trainer may have given me that extra push I needed. I know I shouldn't be doing this for anyone else but myself, but I find very little more motivating than someone telling me I can't. Granted she didn't say that I can't do it, but the whole situation just pushed me to that point that I want to prove to everyone (myself included) that I can and will do this on my own.

Directions

I am having a difficult time deciding which direction I want my blog to go in. I want to stick with the health, weight loss, running, fitness theme, however I find that I am consistently setting and failing my goals. I highly doubt that anything I have put out there has been considered inspiring or insightful and that's really not the way I want to go.

I wanted to make a blog mainly for myself. A place to write down my thoughts and my accomplishments. A nice, neat place I could go to that held everything I wanted/needed to remember about this journey I'm on. Keeping a journal didn't seem realistic since I wanted to include photos and I could only imagine what number journal I would have filled by now. So I decided to start this blog.

I will not lie or pretend that I didn't care if I had any followers. Of course I do want people to read what I have to say. I don't consider myself to be inspirational or full of good advice, but in all honesty I was hoping that maybe I could be relatable. I want to share my experiences of successes and failures so that maybe, just maybe one person could know that there is someone out there dealing with similar things (weight struggles, self esteem issues, motivation issues, a love for running, etc).

I honestly don't know if I have been able to do that for anyone. All I know is that the way it's been going has not been working very well for me. My hope was to blog daily or at the very least 5 days a week. There have been weeks where I have had more to say and weeks where I am too exhausted at the end of the day to type out what I had to eat or the silly things that have been going through my mind.

So I'm thinking of changing the direction of my blog. I want there to be a specific thing I talk about each day. One day I will write about my running adventures, successes and failures for the previous week. Another day I may talk about personal training (as soon as that starts up). I am thinking about including a "throw back Thursday" where I include past pictures of myself (granted there are not that many since I'm usually behind the camera). Maybe a "thankful Tuesday" post to list a few things that I am thankful for from the past week (both about myself/my body and about the people in my life who support me along the way). And maybe once a week showing the outfits I've put together for work since dressing up helps with my self esteem.

I think having more of a schedule of things to write about will help with the direction I want to go in and make it less stressful when I'm sitting there trying to think of something to write about and have nothing insightful to say. It may continue to be thoughts that are not insightful, but at least I will be consistently posting and staying on topic.

Keep an eye out for these changes! I'll be incorporating some of them now, however I will be committing to all of these changes starting August 1st.

I am hoping that if I continue to see success with my weight loss and fitness goals then I will become somewhat of a motivation to other people, but more importantly I want to motivate myself. I need to be my number one cheerleader and I need to be the only one holding myself accountable. It is not up to my husband, my mom, a personal trainer..

If I'm not willing to do any of this for me then I know I won't do it for anyone else. I need to want this weight loss for me, my health, my happiness. I need to want this fitness challenge for me, my health, my happiness. And most importantly, I will find success, I will be healthy and I will be happy.

Weekend Recap

Well, the weekend isn't over, but I wanted to post something since I've been a bit of a lazy blogger. I'm kind of going through something. Again. I feel like it's silly to blog about some of these things, like no one cares about what I'm going through or that no one will relate to my ups and downs in my weight loss journey.

But then this morning I realized something. I need to do this for me. I feel better when I journal about what's going on. I feel better when it's written out for me to see. And in all honesty I feel like putting it out there holds me a little more accountable.

So yesterday didn't turn out how I had planned. I wanted to go for a 5 mile run as scheduled. Patrick was scheduled to open (630-3), but realized mid morning that he needed to stay until 6. This pushed back my run and was originally going to be no big deal. But then you have to factor in time to pick up the big kids, time to drive home, time to make and eat dinner, etc. This pushed my run back past when I wanted and I kind of just gave up on the workout and on the day.

I ate horribly. HORRIBLY... I can't even begin to explain the things that I ate or why I ate them. I went overboard and I am embarrassed about how I let myself have a free for all.

And then this morning...

Well I made it one week into my monthly weigh ins. I do not know why I continue to try to make myself weigh in monthly when I know that I can't make it more than a week without checking my progress.

Other than yesterday I feel like this week has gone well. I've splurged while staying within my calories and I've made the last few days livable while making better choices about what I eat. I've learned that for me it's better to focus on my fitness goals than my weight loss goals. It will hopefully help me make better choices on a day to day basis. I've enjoyed working out, making a workout schedule and sticking to it for the most part. I've loved going to the gym and have found a new found passion in the stationary bike.

Everything I put into it paid off. I love 2.2 pounds this week. I know that not every week is going to be like this week. Some weeks are going to be better food and exercise wise and some weeks are going to be worse. Some weeks the effort is going to show on the scale and some weeks it's not. I have to be okay with that. As frustrating as it is.

A gain does not mean give up. A gain can mean a million and one different things. And a loss that was less than expected also has a million and one meanings behind it.

I am hoping that if I remain focused and avoid going completely off track then I can see more progress on the scale next week.

I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be. I am on this journey for a reason. I am going to make mistakes along the way. I'm going to live my life the best I know and I'm hoping that at some point the efforts I am putting into it will pay off eventually. It may not be when I want them to, but at some point it will happen.

Last week I felt like I didn't really do enough workout wise. This week I have kind of scheduled a bit more. More than a bit more. I know that I need to find the right balance for me and in order to do that I need to figure out what's too much.

Sunday 7/14: Gym- 60 min bike ride, Malibooty Workout
Monday 7/15: walk at work, Gym- 30 min bike, 30 min elliptical, Lean Legs Workout
Tuesday 7/16: walk at work, 2 mile walk (uphill/flat) 2 mile interval run (downhill/flat), Easy Abs
Wednesday 7/17: walk at work, One Room Cardio
Thursday 7/18: walk at work, Interval Run- 3.10 miles, Tank Top Arms
Friday 7/19: walk at work, Gym- 30 min bike, 30 min elliptical, Tame Those Thighs
Saturday 7/20: Run- 5 miles, Wedding Day Arms Workout

Malibooty Workout:
15 dead weights
20 side leg lifts (standing)
20 donkey kicks (each leg)
20 back leg lifts (standing)
20 straight donkey kicks (each leg)
20 butt raise with kick
repeat until you can't do it anymore

Lean Legs Workout:
10 forward lunges (10 each leg)
10 plié jumps
10 reverse lunges (10 each leg)
10 squat jumps
10 step ups (10 each leg)
10 leg lifts (10 each leg)
10 single leg bridges (10 each leg)
10 leg lifts (10 each leg)
10x10 second wall sit
repeat

Easy Abs:
20 crunches
15 second plank
10 mountain climbers
15 second plank
10 second side plank (each side)
10 vertical leg crunches
20 bicycles
30 scissors
15 second plank

One Room Cardio:
20 jumping jacks
30 second high knees
30 second butt kickers
5 jump squats
10 front kicks
30 second mountain climbers
30 second water break
5 burpees
20 jumping jacks
30 second jump rope
5 split jump squats
10 front kicks
30 second march
15 second high knees
15 second butt kickers
30 second water break
30 jumping jacks
40 second jump rope
5 burpees
20 second jog in place
15 second run in place
30 second water break
20 jumping jacks
10 lateral jumps
5 jump squats
30 second jump rope
5 tuck jumps
30 second water break
20 jumping jacks
25 second high knees
5 squats
40 second march

Tank Top Arms
10 push ups
24 bicep burners (8 full, 8 half, 8 full)
15 shoulder presses
10 push ups
15 tricep dips
15 back rows
15 lateral raises
10 push ups
15 tricep kickbacks with 20 tricep pulse backs

Tame Those Thighs:
20 lunges
10 side lunges
20 leg lifts (each side)
20 fire hydrants
10 donkeys (each leg)
30 sideways scissors
10 plié squats
20 leg lifts (each leg)
20 side lunges
10 standing leg lifts (each leg)
30 second wall sit
30 fire hydrants
10 plié squats
30 side to side skaters
10 slow standing leg lifts
10 fire hydrants
20 plié squats
stretch

Wedding Day Arms Workout:
10 push ups
15 tricep kickbacks
15 bicep curls
15 shoulder presses
10 push ups
20 bent over rows
15 upright rows
10 push ups
15 front raises
15 bent over reverse flys
20 tricep dips
50 jumping jacks
repeat

Eating Healthy for Training Purposes

I have been told that losing weight is 80% eating healthy and 20% working out. I think I have the working out part down, at least I enjoy doing it more than I do eating healthy. But the problem is, working out will only bring me so far.

Weight loss is important to me, but I think that it is important for all of the wrong reasons.

I was listening to a Jillian Michael's podcast yesterday while at work and something hit me, and it hit me hard. She was talking to a girl who had lost 117 pounds and was trying to get off the last 30 or so pounds. After talking to her for a while, they got to the heart of the matter. She kept sabotaging herself and would get stuck at certain points along her journey. It finally came out that she was losing weight for someone else, her father. He had passed away over ten years prior, yet she was still trying to get his approval of her.

I feel odd admitting this, but I think that I am trying to lose weight for someone else as well. No, not Patrick. Not even my children.

For some reason, if I really think about it (and believe me, I do not want to be thinking about it), I am trying to lose weight for my ex. I think it's half for approval and half for vain reasons. No, I do not want him back. No, his opinion really does not matter to me. No, I do not plan on seeing him anytime soon if ever (I'm hoping for never). But our relationship really messed me up in more ways than one and I think I pushed it so far down that I am sometimes caught off guard by these feelings.

I am never going to find success in any weight loss journey if I do it for someone else. That is just setting myself up for failure. He didn't love me or treat me with respect when I was at my lowest weight, when I had confidence in myself and how I looked. He didn't love me or treat me with respect when I was at my highest adult weight and carrying his child. He didn't support me when I tried to lose that weight. He didn't support me in raising our child. And when he left he chose to beat me when I was down. He made excuses that broke my spirit and any self confidence I had in myself vanished and has not been seen since.

So I have yo-yo'd with me weight for over 6 years. Each time trying to lose weight to look better for someone else, never for myself.

I came to a realization tonight..

I think I am putting too much emphasis on eating healthy for weight loss. The scale is not budging (and has been going up) and it has just been frustrating me beyond belief.

I have low self esteem as it is. Obviously.

I'm just starting to weigh in monthly to prevent the mood swings brought on by weighing myself. Today I came to the realization that I need to stop trying to eat healthy for weight loss. Instead I need to eat healthy for training.

I think if I focus on training and working out, to the point of dedication (to certain family members obsession) then I have goals I can more easily obtain. I need some successes. If I focused then the weight loss and everything else should fall into place.

I may not praise myself enough, but I have more confidence in myself when I reach certain physical goals (completing my first marathon, PRing my half marathon time, PRing my full marathon time, attempting Dopey). If I switch my goals from eating healthier foods (with the occasional treat) for weight loss to eating healthier foods to fuel my body to make it through intense training runs, long gym days and other measurable fitness goals then maybe (no promises!) I will finally see some success in the weight loss department.

Yes, I realize that this does mean that I will be trying to lose weight, but the focus will be on fueling my body. You can't fuel your body with Swedish fish, Jelly Bellies and ice cream, even if it does fit into your calorie goal for the day.

Who knows, but I think switching gears may be what pushes me to that next level of success.

Sunday July 7th

I decided to start over this morning and in doing so I updated my profile on My Fitness Pal. In doing so I decided to change my weekly goal from losing 1 pound a week to losing 2 pounds a week. This will lower my daily calorie goal from 1540 to 1200. I will also be eating the calories I burn. I think when I was eating 1540 calories I was eating too much, which was why I wasn't losing any weight. That may not be the reason why, but I think it is the most obvious and I feel like this change may be what I need to start seeing the scale move in the right direction.

I will weigh in monthly as well as take measurements monthly. I will also be focusing my food intake on the good healthy guidelines set by Weight Watchers. These include dairy, whole grains, protein, fruits and veggies and water, among a few others. If I can focus on eating healthier foods then I know I can succeed.

I made a workout schedule for this week and hope to stick to it as best as I possibly can. Obviously things may change, but this is what I would like to have happen.

Sunday July 7th: 20 Donkey Kicks, 30 minutes stationary bike, 30 minutes elliptical
Monday July 8th: 25 Donkey Kicks, 30-45 minute interval run
Tuesday July 9th: 30 Donkey Kicks
Wednesday July 10th: 35 Donkey Kicks, 30-45 minute interval run
Thursday July 11th: 40 Donkey Kicks
Friday July 12th: 45 Donkey Kicks, 30 minute stationary bike, 30 minutes elliptical
Saturday July 13th: 50 Donkey Kicks, 5 mile run

I also decided to start Chalene Johnsons 30 Day Push again. I watched the first video yesterday and am feeling dedicated to making it the full 30 days. I have seen a few people make it through the entire program and experience such wonderful changes in their lives that I want to put in the work to get that positive change myself. I made it about 2 weeks last time and am focused to complete it this go around.

Day one was all about getting started and the daily homework was to write down your values, what's important to you, what you want people to know you for, what you want to be remembered for, what the guiding principles in your life are, and what things you feel have a calling to you. It was more difficult than I thought it would be, but I did it. Today I've been working on what my priorities are and I am still trying to make it through that. We'll see how the next 28 days go and if I become more organized and focused on my goals.

Goal: 1200
Food: 1922
Exercise: -898
Net: 1024

Breakfast:
Chobani Flip Cups- Key Lime (180)
Soy milk- Regular Light (60)

Lunch:
Chicken Caesar Salad- dressing on the side (503)

Snack:
1/2 soft pretzel (200)
Swedish fish (150)

Dinner:
Taco Bell Chicken Cantina Bowl (560)
Taco Bell Pink Lemonade Freeze (270)

Exercise:
20 Donkey Kicks
35 minutes Stationary Bike (9.59 miles)
33 minutes Elliptical (2.91 miles)
Calories burned: -898

Positive: I made it through my scheduled workout at the gym. I felt like quitting a few times during both the bike ride and while on the elliptical, but I pushed through and I am really proud of myself for sticking with it.

The Good: I started over today instead of waiting another day. The binge-fest did not need to continue as the vacation is over and it is back to reality. I very easily could have put it off a day and started at the beginning of the week, or better yet I could have waited until the 12th so that my challenge would have ended on our one year anniversary. But I didn't do that, I tracked my food and worked out.

The Bad: I need to go grocery shopping and buy fruits and veggies. I am hoping to do this tomorrow so that I have some healthy foods to bring with me for my lunches for work starting on Tuesday. I know that if I bring healthy foods to snack on and have for lunch then I will have nothing to worry about. As long as I bring only what I'm going to eat for that day then I will be fine. Until I make it to the grocery store to get these healthy foods I am a little stuck searching for foods in our slightly bare cupboards and refrigerator.

Thoughts:
*Donkey kicks are going to do wonders for my backside. I hope... I only had to do 20 on each side today and towards the end of the second set of 10 I could definitely feel the burn. I am looking forward to toning up and getting through a challenge. Getting up to 100 is going to be painful. Painful and so worth it.

*It was nice being able to sleep in this morning. I woke up a few times between 6 am (when Patrick left for work) and when I got out of bed at 8:30 am. After waking up no later than 7 am while on vacation I needed the extra sleep. I can say that I am looking forward to getting up at 6 am when I go back to work on Tuesday. Yes, you read that right. I am looking forward to it. I love having a schedule and going to work every day is the best kind of schedule.

*I am trying to decide if I want to go to the gym before work or after work next week. Since I am only going to be going 2-3 days a week I need to see how busy the gym is when I get home from work before I decide if it's worth it to get up extra early to get in an hour workout, shower at the gym and then go to work on those few occasions.

*It felt great getting back to the gym tonight and I am so glad I went and that I stayed for the entire time scheduled. I also talked to someone about my two free training sessions and am hoping to set those up sometime this week. I received an email last week while on vacation that said the following (mind you while reading this email I totally felt confident in my choice to join this gym):

"As a new member in our club, it is our duty to get you started on the right track to reach your fitness goals. Nothing is more important to us than providing our members with the finest fitness programs.

Body Xchange trainers have been trained extensively for weight loss management, overall fitness performance, muscle toning, athletic training and post rehabilitation exercises. With your membership you will receive two orientation sessions ($120 value).
 

If you are an existing member that has never had the opportunity to work with one of our fitness professionals, please sign up immediately for your two sessions.

Our belief is......"Results cause Motivation", so if you're not getting them we want to help.

Remember one thing: You will not change your health and physique overnight. Be patient and the results are guaranteed. If you are new to exercise, we recommend 2-3 times a week at about 45 minutes each workout if you are able to. If 45 minutes is too much, do what you can and add a few minutes each visit. Within 30 days, you will do just fine. THERE ARE NO MAGIC PILLS!"

 

*I hate doing laundry. HATE IT!

 

*My husband is annoying to live with. I only type this because he just said "I must be really annoying to live with" and because I know he reads my blog occasionally. I am hoping he will read this so that I can see his reaction. Truth be told, he is not annoying to live with.

 

*I already have the outfit I plan on wearing for my first day back to work. I know it is fancier than need be (we are a casual office) but I like dressing up and I feel more confident when I get dressed nicely and put on make up and do my hair. Can't promise I'll be doing my hair, but I am planning on doing my make up.

 

*I am having mixed feelings about going back to work on Tuesday. On one hand I like having the schedule, I'm excited to make my promotion official and to start training for that position and I'm excited to see my coworkers again. But on the other hand I have not made the best use of my three months off of work and I feel like I spent the majority of the time lounging around in a near depression. I am going to desperately miss the time I have been able to spend with Isabel. I never thought I would be the type of person who wanted to be a stay at home mom (at least not full time), but now that I have to go back I don't want to.

 

*I am ready for success. I am ready to allow myself to experience success. I deserve to be successful. I can only get out of this what I put into it. I am so ready to work my ass off (literally) in order to be healthier and more physically fit. I am ready to be in great shape so that training can be easier and so that I can enjoy running again.

Starting Over.. Again

I decided to weigh myself this morning in order to know where I am. I was going to wait the whole month like I had originally planned on, but decided that I wanted to know what my new starting weight is.

Yes, I'm starting over. Again.

I cannot begin to explain my frustrations with my lack of self control and the amount of times that I have started and restarted, only to give up a day or two later. I want success so much and yet I self sabotage myself so early on that it seems almost pointless at this point.

But as of this morning I am over 25 pounds higher than I was 9 months ago at my wedding.

 

I mistakenly thought I looked fat. I was self conscious about how my dress was going to fit. I thought that people would notice my imperfections. How self centered am I?

 

I read a great blog post last night about this exact thing. I was getting caught up on a bunch of the blogs I frequent, but the post from Freak Out In Color was the one that stuck with me the most. I also feel judged when I'm pretty sure that no one even notices me. No one cares about me or how I look as much as I do, so why can I not just let go and allow myself to have fun in the moment and not care what other people think?

 

 

I didn't want to take my shirt or my shorts off at the beach. But then my sister said something to me... "When are you ever going to see these people again?" And she's right. It didn't necessarily give me all the confidence in the world, but it helped. Then I looked around. And I saw people of all heights and weights and body types and I thought to myself, "I'm not judging them, so why do I think they are going to start judging me?" And in all honesty, even if they do judge me I'll probably never know. It's not like people will come up to me and tell me to my face that they think I shouldn't be wearing a bikini.

 

So I wore the bikini. And I was self conscious. But I let go as much as I could and I had fun. And no one said anything and I survived. And I even allowed the momentous event to be captured on film...

 

But it all does not change the fact that my weight is up since that wonderful day 9 months ago and it does not change the fact that I want to be comfortable in my body again.

 

I am committing myself to a 3 month challenge starting today. I know, I know... What's different this time that I am actually going to stick with this challenge and not give up in a day or two? Nothing is different. But if I don't keep trying then nothing will ever change. I have to keep starting over because at some point it will stick and things will start to change.

 





Starting weight: 188.8

Starting measurements:
Hips- 45"
Waist- 35.5"
Bust- 41"
Arm (L)- 13"
Thigh (L)- 27"

Goals:
- Weigh in monthly
- Weight less in 3 months than I do today
- Stick with my planned workout schedule as much as possible
- Eat healthy
- Track everything that I eat and drink
- Follow the good healthy guidelines as set forth by Weight Watchers
- Start planned challenges and stick with them (I did not finish the squat challenge and will be adding it to the end after push ups)

I have to stop self sabotaging and I have to start believing in myself. If I don't believe in me then I can't expect anyone else to either. It's time to do this for me..

Thursday June 27th

The Good- I had therapy tonight and was able to talk some more about my negative thoughts about my body and my self sabotage with my eating habits. It seems to make so much sense when she and I talk and I feel so stupid sometimes because it all sounds so silly when I'm talking about it. But then she leaves and my mind starts spinning with negativity and I don't know how to make it stop. It's ridiculous that I can't be happy that I went to the gym last night for 50 minutes, instead I tear myself down for only going for 50 minutes. I can't get in check with my eating because I am so focused on not seeing the results that I throw in the towel and figure that I'm still making progress with working out, so what's the point of the rest of it. I know that with continuing therapy and discussing these thoughts I will make progress with the mental part of it too, which is sometimes more difficult to deal with than the physical.

The Bad- I did not get out of bed to go to the gym this morning like I had planned. I couldn't fall asleep until after 11 last night and then woke up a few times in the middle of the night. I was not well rested and chose to listen to my body instead of push myself to go.

The Positive- My therapist advised I start two journals tonight and go for as long as I can. The first will be a notebook with a positive a day about myself. The second is a notebook with a reason a day why I love Isabel. I decided to have Patrick include one in each notebook and Isabel as well. Isabel's will be given to her when she gets a little older, possibly when she starts going through changes with her body and needs to see reasons why she's lovable. Being a girl sucks and those changes can be difficult to get through.

The Workout- 
50 squats
 
Thoughts for the Day

* When you don't fall asleep until after 11pm and then wake up multiple times throughout the night you are very unlikely to get up with your alarm and make it to the gym in the morning. Meaning that there are two options- 1. take more rest days or 2. get more sleep. Doing both would probably be the best choice.

* It is very interesting watching Isabel play sports. She is very book smart and she definitely tries her hardest, but she lacks coordination.

* I have started reading yet another book and am now in the middle of three. This one is called Running On Faith by Jason Lester and has been really good so far. My favorite part is this:

"When you make extreme-distance sports your life, it's like you have this angel sitting on your shoulder, constantly whispering, "Do something inconceivable. Set the bar higher. Take up a new challenge." Most days, you're too busy to listen, but when things quiet down you start asking yourself questions. Could I improve my split? Could I set a new personal record? Could I keep going past the point where in the past I've quit? It's about inner growth and improving discipline and mental focus. After all, the only person you ever really meet out on the course is yourself. You are your own ultimate competition; at the end of the day, you're the one you have to answer to."

* In order to not kill your plants on the patio you have spent time and money to make more "homey", you must water them or make sure your husband continues to water them. They will die if they sit out in the heat and don't get watered for days at a time.

* I'm going to miss my husband. We have not spent more than one night apart since being married and I am not looking forward to the next 4 nights without him.

* I bought a 16 pack of batteries and have 2 empty 2GB SD cards ready for our 9 day vacation. I am worried that this will not be enough. I intend to take some very artistic photos this vacation (which to me includes a lot of close ups of flowers and animals and interesting buildings, etc). There may be a trip to CVS to buy some more memory.

* Planning on taking that many pictures is ridiculous.

* I am having a really difficult time putting in the work and not seeing the results and am going to use this vacation as a way to stop thinking about what's working and what's not. We are coming back home on a Saturday and I intend on making that Sunday my day to sit down and figure it all out before starting back up with MFP that Monday. I need to remember that my body is not going to change over night and that the work I am doing is a good thing and will show eventually.

* I got an email from my new gym about a free two session meeting with a trainer. I need to look into that when I get back. Hopefully I can talk to someone about nutrition (my biggest struggle right now) and maybe make a good plan on what machines to use and for how long.

Putting the Scale Away

I had a productive therapy session last week. I talked to her about my irrational mood changes after standing on the scale and my frustrations with my body.

I decided to take her advice and put the scale away. To hide it and only weigh in once a month along with taking measurements. She suggested this tactic so that if I do gain at least there could be a difference in my measurements so that I can see some form of progress. 

I am putting too much emphasis on my weight and not enough focus on what I am doing on a daily basis. I am still too focused on the things I did wrong each day and not being proud of the things I got right. That should really be the only thing I look at. 

I am going to weigh in today and track my weight as well as retake my measurements. I am going to start tracking again when we get back from vacation, but I will only be weighing and taking my measurements once a month, on the 24th of each month. 

I used a photo from pinterest as motivation to write on my scale. A visual reminder that I am not what that number says. 

Motivation: 

My scale:

I am most likely going to be asking Patrick to hide the scale. If it's not out for me to see on a day to day basis then I feel like I will be less likely to cheat and look at the scale. When it is time to check my weight then I will see what I have written and hopefully remember that it's just a way to track progress and nothing else.  

It can't hurt to try it for a month or so. If I find myself slipping with eating, exercising and tracking then I may go back to weekly weigh-ins. I'm going to play it by ear and see what I am capable of. It may be the best thing for me to put the scale away.. You never know if you don't try.

All I do know is that for this month I will be working on my relationship with me.

Last weeks weight: 184.4

This weeks weight: 185.2

+/-: +0.8

Total +/-: +0.8

Measurements: 

Arm (L)- 

last month- 13"

this month- 12.75"

Difference- -.25"

Thigh (L)- 

last month- 26.25"

this month- 26.25"

Difference- 0"

Bust- 

last month- 40" 

this month- 40"

Difference- 0"

Waist- 

last month- 36" 

this month- 35.25"

Difference- -.75"

Hips- 

last month- 44.5" 

this month- 44.25"

Difference- -.25"

BMI- 

last month- 27.2= overweight

this month- 27.3= overweight

Difference- +0.1

 

Thoughts: Where do I begin? Let's start with the weight... I am now at my heighest ever adult weight (other than when I was pregnant). Here are the emotions I've already felt in the past 15 minutes regarding the scale and myself: anger, frustration, disgust, sadness and indifference. 

What was I honestly expecting the scale to say? I haven't been eating well and I haven't been tracking. There's really no wonder the scale is up. And if I'm being honest, I'm a little surprised it's not up higher than it is. 

The reason I'm feeling indifferent about the scale is because I took the time to read what I wrote on it. I am not that number. No one else knows what that number is unless I choose to tell them. I have been told by many people who know my weight that I carry it well and they would have never thought I would weigh what I do. 

And I finally looked up a chart that shows a healthy weight range for height and body frame (small, medium or large). According to the scale, I am only 15.2 pounds over a healthy weight, not the 21.4 pounds I thought last week. Granted, 170 is not my goal weight, but at least it would be a closer goal to set for myself that doesn't seem so far out of reach.

Taking my measurements helped as well. Especially since they either stayed the same or went down. Nothing drastic, but at least progress in the right direction.

Of course my initial thought was "I must not be measuring in the same place", but I was and I was happy to see that I am losing inches even if I'm gaining weight. 

I am not concerned about my thighs not losing inches. Yes, I thought they would with all the running I've been doing and with all of the squats, but I can feel a difference. They feel like they are becoming more toned and there is a difference even if they are still 26.25". There's still work to be done, but I'm happy with what my thighs have been able to do.

I am hoping that next month shows progress as well and I intend on doing the work in order to see that progress. I'm only going to get out of it what I put into it..

I decided to work on my self appreciation by writing one positive about myself a day. It makes me think of the good things at the end of each day and then I can see the list at the end of the week to boost my self-esteem.

 

I chose to list them with my weigh in because I know that there will be times that the weigh-in does not go the way I had hoped. I would like to say honestly that the number won't affect me, but it does, so listing my positives will make me focus on that instead of what the scale says. 

 

Positives:

1. I ended up binging on veggie chips. I have to look at this in a positive way because it could have been a lot worse. A lot worse...

2. I am allowing myself to be proud of my running accomplishments as well as putting it out there to brag about.  

3. I wore my HRM for the first time in months and am going to make it a habit to accurately track my calories burned instead of guesstimating.

4. I am taking pride in my running accomplishments instead of passing them off like they are nothing. I'm not going to walk around telling everyone, but it's about time I actually realize that I have done something that's pretty cool and something that not a lot of people have done.

5. I ate a filling lunch so that I wouldn't snack throughout the day before going to dinner with my parents and my in-laws. It was healthy, nutritious and delicious!

6. I bought running shorts. Shorts! I tend to stick with 3/4 pants or full length pants for my runs, but since the whether is getting warmer it is time to stop worrying about what my thighs look like and start focusing on the run.

7. I wrote on my scale so that I can remind myself that it doesn't matter what it says and as a visual reminder to stay off of it for the entire month.

Weigh In & 7 Positives

Last weeks weight: 182.0

This weeks weight: 184.4

 

+/-: +2.4

Total +/-: 0

Thoughts: I feel like a complete failure. I am not in a positive place right now about what just happened and am beating myself up mentally for it. I felt like I did well this week, staying under my calorie goal every day except yesterday. I am hoping that this gain is a false gain due to last night, but that's wishful thinking.

I just don't understand why this weight loss thing is so difficult this time around. I am working out, I'm eating better, I'm feeling better. So why isn't the scale reflecting that?! 

I was expecting a gain this morning. I really was. And I was hoping to react like a mature adult about it. To know that the scale doesn't matter, it's just a number, blah blah blah. But it's not just a number. It's a way to measure progress. And my progress is at a whopping zero. 

If I'm being totally honest here.. I'm pissed off. Not at the scale, but at myself. It should not be this difficult to lose weight. I looked at myself in the mirror and said "Are you effing kidding me. You are a worthless piece of $h!t.." Yeah, not proud of that, but it's what came out. 

Back at it this week. I mean, that's the only option I have. I'm coming back with a vengeance this week and I'm going to do everything I can to see a loss.

After typing this I went out and completed my scheduled workout. I even went an extra mile and did an extra set of my arm workout. It doesn't completely change my thoughts and opinions about this morning, but it does help some.

I also turned to the Weight Watcher's message boards for a boost as well. I think the best advice I got there was to think of all of the things my body has done. Like have a baby and complete 3 marathons. I have run daily for over 3 weeks in a row. I wore a bathing suit and felt somewhat comfortable in it yesterday. I have successfully completed 10 days of the squat challenge. All of that is still there no matter what the scale says. Another poster suggested I write positive messages on the mirror, so I did...

When I get more comfortable in my body I will write more positive physical affirmations (you are beautiful, etc). For now seeing this daily will help. It will be my reminder that this change is so much more than just weight related.

I decided to work on my self appreciation by writing one positive about myself a day. It makes me think of the good things at the end of each day and then I can see the list at the end of the week to boost my self-esteem.

 

I chose to list them with my weigh in because I know that there will be times that the weigh-in does not go the way I had hoped. I would like to say honestly that the number won't affect me, but it does, so listing my positives will make me focus on that instead of what the scale says. 

 

Positives:

1. I stuck with my scheduled workout and even added distance to my run/walk.

2. I finished my "F you" letter assigned by my therapist. It wasn't very easy to get through and I know I could have gone into more detail about certain things, but I feel like it's a good F you letter and I can't wait to share it on Thursday with my therapist.  

3. I am loving how my legs are looking. My calves and shins are getting some definition and I love seeing my hard work pay off. 

4. I stayed off of the scale today and didn't obsess about what it says.

5. I finally made it grocery shopping and we once again have fresh fruits and veggies in the house (as well as a lot of other healthier foods).

6. I made some decent choices for today considering there weren't many healthy options. I never felt too full or too hungry. I felt satisfied throughout the day.

7. I ended the week 258 net calories under goal. I think this is great progress after ending last week in the red by 246 calories. No matter what the scale says, I am making huge changes and I feel good, which is so much more important than a number.