September 12, 2013

7am: 2 eggo protein waffles, 1 Tbsp Nutella
815am: 1 cup coffee, 3 tbsp coffeemate peppermint mocha creamer, 3 splenda
1030am: string cheese, apple
11am: banana, low calorie gatorade
1230pm: rice, peas, corn, hot & spicy spam
2pm: Drumstick
340pm: Granola bars

530pm: steak, mashed potatoes, bell pepper, cheesy breadstick, glass of wine

cardio activity: 1.34 mile walk, 2.05 mile walk
strength training:
70 squats

I took Isabel to school this morning. We always hold hands on our way from the car all the way into school. Today was different though. 

Today she saw two of her friends from the gate and immediately let go of my hand. Almost as if she were embarrassed to be seen with me.

I'm not ready for that yet! She's only 5. This isn't supposed to happen yet.. She's too grown up and it kind of makes me sad that her childhood is slipping away. Maybe it's time to start thinking about having another one.. 

Who am I kidding?! It's all I think about. But it's not quite time yet. Soon though. 

September 11, 2013

Twelve years ago today I woke up and started getting ready for school. I was a Junior in high school. It started like any other day.

I went into my parents room to say good morning to my mom and saw that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. Being young and naive I truly believed that it was an accident. An tragic error. A mistake.

I thought how sad it was that this was happening and left to finish getting ready. I was barely down the hall when my mom yelled out. I ran back just after the second plane crashed. 

This was no accident. There was no error. No one had made a mistake.

I went to school and was sitting in my history class watching the news. We watched as the buildings collapsed. We witnessed death, devastation and our world's changed in a blink of an eye. 

And we weren't even directly affected.

September 11th is a day that will never be forgotten. It will be a day that I will always know where I was when it happened. A day that my children will learn about in school...

I will never forget that day, the people who lost their lives, or the way we united as a country. If only it didn't take an event so awful to bring us together.

Today was a pretty good day. I ate when hungry and worked out. Sometimes I just have to tell myself to do it, tell someone else I'm going to do it and then get it done. 

I decided spur of the moment that I wanted to go for a run tonight. I ran last night and it was amazing, even if I did run right by a bee hive and had a bee get in my shirt (I got it out without being stung). 

We went out to dinner to our normal Wednesday location for trivia, so I knew it was a little over 2 miles. I ran to a point just past comfort and ended the 2.56 miles in 30:30, averaging just under 12 minute miles. 

The highlight of my run was during a walk break. I was approaching two teenage boys walking toward me. I smiled and they both said hi. I said hi back. I was over two miles at this point, slightly out of breath, glistening with sweat and walking.. One of the young men said, as he passed me "You are beautiful." 

This compliment is not something I take easily. I don't believe it when Patrick says it, I tried believing it when Isabel said it and I told myself this teenage boy was mocking me when he said it. I said thank you and continued on my way.

But why shouldn't I believe any of these people? Patrick doesn't gain anything by saying it. Isabel is 5, so she's sometimes painfully honest. And it's not like this stranger had anything to gain by saying it and he wasn't laughing while saying it so maybe he really believed it. 

Maybe it's time I start believing it too.

7am: 1 cup of coffee with 2 tbsp coffeemate peppermint mocha creamer, 3 splenda, 1 serving yogurt covered raisins
840am: 1 cup Cheerio's, 1 cup fat free milk, banana
1035am: apple, string cheese, yogurt covered raisins
115pm: rice, peas, corn, hot & spicy spam, lemon bar
245pm: Oikos Greek yogurt- strawberry

7pm: shrimp dinner with zucchini, fried fish taco

cardio workout: 1.32 mile walk, 2 mile walk, 2.56 mile interval run
strength training:
65 squats
2 sets of 10
squat & press
dead weight/chest row
squat/kettle bell swing
right leg static lunge with bicep curl
chair/reverse fly
left leg static lunge with bicep curl
squat/dumb bell row
crunches
reverse crunches
left side crunches
right side crunches
push ups
tricep kickbacks
bicep curls
shoulder presses
front raises
lateral raises
tricep dips

Being Honest- September 10, 2013

I think it's about time that I start being honest with myself.

As much as I have changed for the betting since getting rid of the scale I have noticed that my working out has decreased and my eating habits have gotten worse. I was mentally prepared for something like this to happen because realistically I have nothing holding me accountable.

I am going to be doing some spending today on a couple of books that will help me understand intuitive eating better. Intuitive Eating and The Body Image Workbook. I feel as though I am in need of some guidance because there is too much going on. I feel better about my body, but in that same sense I am allowing myself to go overboard when it comes to food and skipping workouts.

I feel as though I don't want to necessarily track calories or points by using My Fitness Pal and Weight Watchers. For me it gets too frustrating and confusing when I start factoring in the calories I burn and how many I should be eating back. However, I do think that I need to have some form of accountability when it comes to what I am putting into my body.

So I will be starting to post daily menu's here. I am not concerning myself with anything other than the time I ate and what I ate. No calorie details.

7am: Coffee, 2 Tbsp Coffeemate Peppermint Mocha creamer, 3 splenda
815am: 1 cup Honey Nut Cheerio's, 1 cup fat free milk, 1 banana
1030am: apple, string cheese, Oikos Greek yogurt- lemon meringue
1215pm: fat free tuna salad with crackers, deli fresh lunch meat, baby carrots
145pm: granola bar
330pm: coconut water, Luna chocolate peppermint bar
630pm: Fire Island Grill- Pineapple Chicken Sandwich with fresh fruit
8pm: glass of wine

cardio workout: 1.33 mile walk, 2.07 mile walk, 4.23 mile interval run
strength training:
2 sets of 15
squat & press
dead weight/chest row
squat/kettle bell swing
chair/reverse fly
static lunge with bicep curl
squat/dumb bell row
crunches
reverse crunches
left side crunches
right side crunches

One Month Scale Free

It has been exactly one month since I have stepped on a scale.

I haven't really thought much about it and for some reason decided to look back to when I wrote my post regarding getting rid of the scale. It was on August 10th and I had weighed myself the day before. It was the last time I stepped on a scale and I have not looked back since.

I know that this way of thinking is not recommended for everyone, and I am in no way suggesting that other people do what I did, but I cannot believe the transformation I have made internally in such a short amount of time.

I decided to get rid of the scale because it was literally taking over my life. I had talked about it in therapy but was not finding what I needed in regards to figuring out why it was such a huge factor in measuring success. I cannot recall a time in my childhood that I was overweight or that weight was an issue. I was the smallest in my family weight wise and never thought anything of it. It wasn't until I was older that I started to really hear my mom talk negatively about herself. There are a few moments that I could pinpoint, but nothing drastic that should send me into a tailspin of self hatred.

But I was heading towards rock bottom in regards to the negativity I spoke about myself. I would say something awful in my head and then believe it until I spoke it aloud. Then I would hate myself even more. Poor Patrick had to deal with my waves of emotions when it came to my body and self image and was constantly trying to pick me up while I overtook his efforts and tore myself back down.

What's worse is that I said these things in front of Isabel. My worst fear as a parent is that my daughter will grow up with these negative body images. I know that it will more than likely happen, but I'm supposed to be the one to protect her, not teach her these behaviors.

When I realized that it was the scale that brought me down more than anything I decided to quit using it as a tool to measure success. It's not the only way to see the progress you are making and yet I was allowing that number to be the end all be all.

It was draining thinking about weighing in. It was draining feeling so great one minute and then so down the next all because there wasn't progress or it wasn't enough or worst of all I had gained. There were way too many factors that were affecting the scale and it was just, well, overwhelming.

I couldn't continue to justify gains. I had worked out and done strength training, gain. I had a lot of sodium, gain. It was that time of the month, gain. It was a full moon, gain. I just got out of the shower and my hair is wet, gain. The scale is not positioned in the correct location, gain.

Mind games.

In this past month I have used measurements as a way to track changes in my body. This past month I gained an inch in my waist, stayed the same in my hips and ended up losing in my arms, thighs and bust. I didn't spiral out of control when I saw that I had gained an inch. It was an amazing change to how I would have reacted weekly (or multiple times a week depending on how often I stepped on the scale) when I weighed in.

I asked Patrick the other night if he could tell a difference in my attitude towards myself and he said yes, with excitement. I feel as though he no longer has to pick me up when I hit the bottom. He no longer has to pry the food from my hands when I go overboard. He no longer has to constantly compliment me in order to keep my spirits up and the voices in my head at bay (although the compliments don't have to stop.. Hint Hint).

I did also ask him if he could tell a difference in my body. I didn't really want to ask the question because in all honesty he sees me every day and most likely will not notice a small difference the way I would, but alas my old habit did sneak back in. I didn't really get the answer I had hoped for. But I didn't freak out. I didn't try to justify his answer and point out the changes I could see until he agreed with me. Instead I took his answer for what it was, the truth of what he could see.

I can see a difference in my body. I am appreciating it more. I am looking at it from a whole different perspective. I am enjoying what I'm eating. I am enjoying what I'm wearing. I am enjoying working out. I am enjoying the changes that are occurring. I am enjoying the freedom that I have right now. I am not stressed about food. I am not stressed about weight. I am not stressed about calories or points. I am just feeling genuinely happy.

I am going to believe that these changes are because I no longer own a scale. That is the only thing that has changed. I no longer track my food because it was getting too complicated trying to find the balance of how many calories to eat back. I find that if I eat when I am hungry and eat the healthiest choices I can while still enjoying the unhealthy foods every once in a while then I don't feel deprived and actually find that my body is improving.

I don't know what I way and I don't have any desire to. I'm going to keep running, keep eating well, keep strength training and keep losing inches. Some months will be better than others. Some days will be awesome some won't. As long as I keep trying and keep improving health wise and as a person over all then I feel like I am doing something right.

I just feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. I'm not stressing and I am enjoying life. And my body freaking rocks!!

September 1, 2013

*This post was supposed to be published on September 1st, however I spent the evening in the hospital with my husband and found blogging to be the last thing on my mind. So, it's a little late, but I think it still applies.

Another month has begun and that of course means a time to start over (if needed) and make goals for the month. I posted one of my September goals yesterday, but there is a lot more that I would like to accomplish this month.

Although running and fitness are my top priority right now I know that I can't just make changes in that area of my life and expect to see changes. I have spent too much of the last month working out and then erasing any progress by eating whatever I want. I'm not really in a place right now where I want to track calories or points, so I am going to be trying Intuitive Eating.

I feel like this is something manageable that, if I work at it, I can handle doing for the rest of my life. I think the reason that this type of life style will work for me is because of the amount of running I'm going to be doing. I get confused easily with the calories in/calories out and I think that if I just focus on if I'm hungry or not, what I'm eating, and stopping when I'm satisfied that I could still see a change without stressing or obsessing over calories.

We'll see how it works and if I find that it's not then I can make adjustments along the way.

I find that as I add in strength training I am finding less negativity when it comes to my body. Yes, there are still the comments I make about myself that are not kind and I am still working on that, but for the most part I have seen a change and I am really happy with the progress I've made. All from putting the scale away and working out.

This month my goal for working out is to run at least 3 days a week, go to the gym at least 2 days a week and strength train at least 3 days a week. Any day. No strict workout schedule. No strict amount of time. Just get some strength training and running in. It feels good to be flexible.

Thursday Thoughts

Thankful Thursday:

Five things I am thankful for about myself

1. I am thankful that I allow myself to adjust to my wants and needs. My weigh loss/fitness/eating goals and habits change often. One week I am at the gym 6 days and counting calories while the next week I am eating what I want and not going to the gym at all. I have learned that it's okay to do what's right for me in the moment and to just make the best choices with the information I have at hand. Right now, for example, I'm trying to eat healthier options and to stop eating when I am satisfied while working out 3-5 days a week (sometimes twice a day if need be). It's what's working for me right now while balancing family, work and my health goals.
2. I am thankful that I am interested in improving my health. It would be way to easy for me to say F it and just give up, eat all the things and never workout. I've done that on a few occasions and I realized that it doesn't make me happy to eat whatever I want. I makes me happy to feel good about myself and to not feel sluggish or sick to my stomach more often than not. I may not ever have my "ideal" body (whatever that may be) but I can feel good about myself at whatever size as long as I am doing the right things.
3. I am thankful that I enjoy my job and that I do a good job doing it. It may not be the job that I always dreamed of having growing up, but it is the next best thing. I love working at a desk in front of a computer and basically doing data entry. There's more to my job then that, but it sums it up easily... I am a quick learner and am thankful for the opportunity to be in a field that I had no experience in and that I had a chance to grow in. I may not make as much money as I'd like (or think I deserve), but it's a good job and I've been here for almost 3 years.
4. I am thankful that I have a fairly good handle on our finances. I have really been enjoying being the one to manage our money and I think that I'm doing a decent job at it. So far we have been able to put extra money into our house savings (not much, but some and right now every little bit counts). I have never been the type of person to want a lot, but I have always looked forward to being comfortable. I have been known to have a hate/hate relationship with money and now that we are combined it is a lot different. I balanced our checkbook after payday and realized that we would actually have some money left over and have been impatiently waiting for the bills to come so I can pay them. That's not like me at all and I like this me a lot better when it comes to money.
5. I am thankful that I can look in the mirror and point out positives in my body. Not every time, but more often than before so that's been a nice change of pace. I don't always see or feel the need to point out the negatives I see, but instead I can look and occasionally point out my stomach and see that it is slimming down, or my thighs and see that they too are becoming stronger. It's a huge step in the right direction.

Five things I am thankful for in life

1. I am thankful that my parents let me run before I pick up Isabel from their house. Some nights I have to fit in a workout where I can and in order to train properly I need to fit in two weekday runs that last anywhere from 30-45 minutes. Some nights I am able to get out there and go for the full 45 minutes, but other nights I can only do a quick run. I'm usually okay with that (especially with the hot weather we have been experiencing) but sometimes it doesn't seem worth it to go any less than 3 miles. Regardless, I do have to get in the minimum amount of time per week because it helps tremendously on the weekend long distance training run. This week I've had to run on the nights that Patrick has had to close at work, meaning I have to run before I pick up Isabel. They are very easy going and know that it's important to me, so they don't have a problem letting me run first.
2. I am thankful that my parents started a savings account for me to go to college. It didn't stop me from applying for scholarships through my high school and it didn't stop me from dropping classes. I made stupid choices, but I still went to college and got my AA. I so wish I wouldn't have screwed around and would have gone onto a 4-year college to get a BS and who knows where I would be if I had done that, but then again I'm happy where I am now. The point of this is that my parents were able to help me go to college and I will be grateful to them for that. In doing so I knew that I wanted to be able to help my children go to college as well and even though I probably won't be able to pay for the whole thing like they did I will be able to help and I love that. Isabel has had an account since birth and my step children's accounts were started about a year before Patrick and I got married.
3. I am thankful that I am getting healthy and trying to get my eating habits under control now. I know a lot of people tend to have a specific date or occasion in mind to motivate them to lose weight: summer, a reunion, a wedding, etc. For me it's the holiday's. I want to get into the habit of eating well and listening to my hunger signals now so that when Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas come around I will be able to enjoy myself but not regret any of my food decisions.
4. I am thankful that my husband appreciates me. I am fully aware that I have a lot of improving to do as a person, as a mother and especially as a wife but I am trying. I need to learn patience when it comes to my marriage. I feel as though I have patience for other areas of my life including Isabel and work, but when it comes to him I am quick to get upset. That's not fair to him. We both have improvements to do and we are working on that together. I am just grateful that when I do things to help (like clean the entire apartment while he's at work or make dinner- which if you knew me is HUGE) he is thankful and takes the time to tell me how much he appreciates it.
5. I am thankful that we are planning on having a garage sale. It is difficult to part with some things (like my size 8 jeans) but it's important to clear out the unnecessary stuff that we don't use and don't need. It's going to be really nice to have space for the things we do want and need as well as some extra money that will be used for our house savings and for getting Patrick out of debt (he is so close!). I am also going to be going through Isabel's stuff and getting rid of some of her things because she has a ridiculous amount of stuff. All of the money she makes from her items will go into her college savings account.

Throwback Thursday:
I think it's going to take me a little while to get used to posting pictures of myself from the past. I feel a little weird doing it, but there are not a lot of pictures of myself from the past five years and that's kind of something I regret. So I'm going to put them out there from all phases of the past few years. From my highest weight when I was nine months pregnant and the yo yo weights from then to now. I don't know how many pictures I actually have, but I think it will be good to come to terms with my past in order to accept who I am now.

It's been one hell of a journey and I am ready to see myself, maybe the way others saw me. Again, I don't know how many pictures there are of me since I'm usually the one behind the camera. I'm going to do my best to pick pictures that show my body since this is a weight loss/fitness blog (or at least it's supposed to be).

My photo CDs are in no particular order (an ongoing organizing task I have yet to find time or money to do). Since they are not in any order, the photo's I post weekly will also not be in any particular order. I will do my best to include a year, but most pictures will be from March 2008-present as that is when I started saving my pictures onto discs.

May 2012- Open House at our Wedding Venue

We were invited to come to our wedding venue to taste food and to see the location all done up. I was in the process of losing weight for the wedding and from the pictures I think I look great. Of course at that time I was still too big.

That was a fun evening. Both of our mom's came with us as well as my best friend. It was there that I realized they stole my idea to do s'mores for dessert (our wedding favor) and I attempted to get something for free but failed. We were the first couple to have a fire pit and roast marshmallows for s'mores at the venue. What can I say? I'm full of great ideas and I truly believe I threw a great wedding.

Thursday Thoughts

Thankful Thursday:

Five things I am thankful for about myself

1. I am thankful that my body is willing to wake up at 4:30am in order to get to the gym at 5am. I never thought that I would be a morning person, but I have grown to absolutely love when I get in a morning workout because it usually means that when I get home from work then I am done for the day (unless I have a run scheduled).
2. I am thankful that my calf muscles are forming. I have always wanted to have runners calves and have found myself staring at other runners legs when at races. I dreamed of one day building up my muscles to look that good. They are starting to get there and I know that if I continue to put in the work then I will be there before I know it.
3. I am thankful that I have found a way to enjoy running. I used to think that there was something wrong with me because I didn't enjoy to run and because I couldn't do it for long periods of time. Then I discovered Jeff Galloway and intervals and I now know that I can run and that I love it. I really think that one of the best fitness related feelings is finding something you're passionate for.
4. I am thankful that I am debt free and able to sign up for races without guilt. Some of the races that I have interest in running are priced higher than others, however I am able to save for those and enjoy the experience. There has not been one running related purchase that I have felt guilty for and I am so grateful for that.
5. I am thankful that I am taking the necessary steps to become a more positive person to myself. I am eating healthy without being too restrictive, I am working out without being too strict and I am trying to keep myself from talking about myself negatively. It feels good to be taking positive steps in the right direction knowing that I won't be going backwards on Saturday at weigh in.

Five things I am thankful for in life

1. I am thankful that I am in charge of our finances. I trust Patrick 100%, but having that control makes me feel better. I know that we are on such a good path right now and although we both wish we could get there faster, I know that we are doing it the right way and we will soon be looking for our forever home.
2. I am thankful that I am beginning to cut out the negative things in my life that cause me stress. It's a difficult process since some of these things have become habits and it's difficult to walk away from, but I know that in the end I will be better for it.
3. I am thankful that Patrick and I are actively talking about our family and the addition of a little one. We will be waiting for approximately two years until we have a house and after two particular races that I would like to finish first, but just talking about it and knowing that we will be trying in the somewhat near future is something that brings me joy. Patrick is such an amazing father and I cannot wait to see him with our baby.
4. I am thankful that Patrick's cousin called us on Saturday to stop by. She was on her way to the airport to pick up her daughters and had some time to spare. It was unexpected and thankfully I was given enough of a warning to be able to pick up the apartment. It gave me a reality check that the apartment should always be cleaned (or at the very least picked up) so that visitors don't cause so much anxiety.
5. I am thankful that my little girl is starting Kindergarten on Monday. She is going to absolutely love school and I am hoping that the structure will help us all get into a better routine. She is so smart and I know that being in school is just going to provide even more possibilities for her.

Throwback Thursday:
I think it's going to take me a little while to get used to posting pictures of myself from the past. I feel a little weird doing it, but there are not a lot of pictures of myself from the past five years and that's kind of something I regret. So I'm going to put them out there from all phases of the past few years. From my highest weight when I was nine months pregnant and the yo yo weights from then to now. I don't know how many pictures I actually have, but I think it will be good to come to terms with my past in order to accept who I am now.

It's been one hell of a journey and I am ready to see myself, maybe the way others saw me. Again, I don't know how many pictures there are of me since I'm usually the one behind the camera. I'm going to do my best to pick pictures that show my body since this is a weight loss/fitness blog (or at least it's supposed to be).

My photo CDs are in no particular order (an ongoing organizing task I have yet to find time or money to do). Since they are not in any order, the photo's I post weekly will also not be in any particular order. I will do my best to include a year, but most pictures will be from March 2008-present as that is when I started saving my pictures onto discs.

June 29, 2010- Camping with Patrick's extended family (aunt, uncle, cousins, nieces, etc).

There are very few pictures of me from our first camping trip together. There are tons of pictures, but I would say I'm in about 10, if that. The ones that I am in are either really close up (face only) or really far away like these two.

I refused to wear the two piece bathing suit I brought with me because I was extremely self conscious of being judged by his family. I now know that that thought is ridiculous because I was being judged already on so many other levels. It didn't help that one of the girls there wore nothing but a bikini for four days and had a perfect body.

Looking back I wish I would have realized that it's about confidence, not a perfect body.

Regardless of what I wore, I did have fun and I did make a good impression on his family. I also had a lot of new experiences with Patrick (like the one below) and I really think it was a turning point for me and his children that weekend.

It's Official!

I have once and for all decided that I am getting rid of the scale. If I had to pinpoint one part of my weight loss journey that has given me the most emotional and mental anguish it would be that piece of equipment. And so it is time for me to part ways.

I feel as though I can be having a great week. I can eat well and exercise as planned. I can feel great going into Saturday morning and then I step on the scale and it's like nothing positive happened the week before. The workouts don't matter and the eating well and tracking mean nothing if that scale doesn't show progress.

Well that's just not right. Like, at all.

Just because the scale doesn't move doesn't mean that I'm not making progress. And a number on a scale should not dictate how my week went or my mood for the next day or two.

This negative body thing I have going on is not healthy for me mentally or physically and although I am in therapy I feel like I am making very little progress. It's frustrating and irritating and I am so over it.

So I decided that I need to get rid of the one thing that makes it worse.

The mental mind game that comes along with weighing in is too much for me to handle. When I lose I am happy the rest of the day. When I gain I go through a wave of emotions and it includes a lot of verbal abuse towards myself. I feel worthless and pathetic.

I know that I have attempted to stay off of the scale before and have not succeeded in doing so. This time I will actually be removing the scale from our home in order to keep it out of sight and out of mind.

Without knowing my weight I will not be able to track my BMI or my Body Fat %. I think that the less numbers I have to worry about the better. I really just want to be able to focus on my training and my measurements. I want to be physically fit and that may mean that I weigh over an "ideal" weight for my height.

I'm going to track my progress using measurements and taking progress pictures monthly and of course being able to see a change in my endurance fitness-wise. This is so much more important to me and I know that 6 out of 7 days a week. It's just that one day that I weigh in that everything else goes away and I am weighed down by a number that may or may not reflect the work I put into it that week.

The scale can be affected by so many things that it's actually a pretty silly way to track progress. It can fluctuate so much by something as small as sodium. I'm still stumbling around trying to find my way with eating and exercise and how many calories to eat back. It will take a lot of stress off of finding this balance if I can do it without worrying about that number.

And I've already seen proof from others and now myself that the number on the scale doesn't necessarily mean that your body is not changing. I took progress pictures after a 2 and a half month time period. My first picture I weight 181.8 and my second picture, 2 and a half months later I weigh 189. I weigh more, but my measurements are down and I look better (at least in my opinion...) This is huge to me and a much better way of looking at it then by weighing in.

Another part of that is when I look back at my pictures from last year after doing 30 day shred. I think I looked pretty good and yet I was still obsessed with a number that the scale said. I think this go around I don't want to know that number and just base things off of how I feel I look. I could be really happy with my body but not be a certain weight I think I should be at. That weight should be left up to my body to decide after giving it proper exercise and nutrition.

I'm actually pretty excited about this. Without it being in the apartment I won't be tempted to peek. This is going to be a positive thing. I can tell already.

30 Day Shred

Last year, around this time, I set my mind to complete the complete 30 days of 30 Day Shred.

It was a personal challenge to do it and the timing was perfect because I was trying to lose some inches for my wedding.

I updated daily after each workout and I do believe the results spoke for themselves...


Before                                                                                         After



Original Measurements:
Bust- 38
Waist- 33.5
Hips- 42.5
Arm (left)- 12
Thigh (left)- 24.5

Final Measurements:
Bust- 37.25 (-0.75)
Waist- 31 (-2.5)
Hips- 40 (-2.5)
Arm (left)- 11.5 (-0.5)
Thigh (left)- 23 (-1.5)

That's a total of 7.75 inches lost overall.

I was thrilled with the results. Yet I was still missing something when I looked in the mirror. I didn't see what I wanted to see. The problem was, I couldn't see what was really there because I still saw someone who was bigger, someone who wasn't pretty, someone who wasn't enough.

Fast forward one year and this is my before and my progress picture...

Before                                                                                           After

And these are my current measurements...

Current Measurements:
Bust- 40.5 (+3.25")
Waist- 35 (+4")
Hips- 44.5 (+4.5")
Arm (left)- 12.75 (+1.25")
Thigh (left)- 26.75 (+3.75")

That's a total of 16.75 inches gained overall.

That's not good.

That's not good at all.

I am hoping that with the training that I've already started and will continue to do (running, biking, elliptical, walking, etc) that I can make this a habit that sticks. I'm not doing this for a special occasion (other than to make running easier on my body and especially my knees) so I don't think I will fall off like a crazy married woman who has never eaten food before in her life like I've been doing for the past 10 months.

I would like to do Ripped in 30 five days a week for four weeks at some point, but right now that's not realistic to fit into my schedule. I know that I am on the right track, but I do think that I need to make some drastic changes because two days of strength training a week is not going to help me shed the inches off the way it did last year.

Looking back at my "after" pictures makes me feel two things. When I first saw it my initial reaction was sadness. Sadness in the fact that I'm not there and sadness in the fact that I thought that wasn't good enough because it was. Looking at it I think I look great and I want to get back there.

The second thing I felt was hopeful. Hopeful that I can do this and get back there. Motivated to keep going no matter what happens during the week. I can gain and still stay focused and dedicated. I can skip a workout and get right back to it the next day. I can eat a meal that may not be the healthiest choice and I can track it and eat healthier the rest of the day. These are all choices.

I've made a lot of choices in my life. I mean, every day brings choices.

Today I am choosing my health. I am choosing my fitness. I am choosing to make better, healthier choices so that I can lose the extra weight and run faster and farther and prevent injury. I am choosing to get back into shape. I am choosing to get back to that after picture and then choosing to improve even more from there. I am choosing success!

I am worth this. I am worth the time, the energy, the sweat, the tears. I am worth spending a few hours a week away from my family in order to work on my health. I am worth spending a little more money on healthier food choices. I am worth it!

Not Enough

Food that is.

I've upped my workout routine and, according to my heart rate monitor, I am burning between 1500-2000 calories a day with exercise.

This means that I am supposed to be eating an extra 1500-2000 calories on top of the 1200 calories allotted a day. This seems like it's too much food for a day and I do have concerns about it.

I do not understand calories. I do not understand how one article says to burn more than you eat and another says to eat more to weigh less and that you should be eating those calories back. What I do understand is that when I'm hungry I want to eat and when I work out the way I have been then my appetite increases. I should be (and am trying to) eat back some of those calories the proper way (protein, fruits, veggies, complex carbs, etc) and I know that my body needs that fuel because it is working hard to keep up with my workout routine.

But... I get confused and I don't know what's the right way for me to go. This is where having a nutritionist or personal trainer who helps with nutrition would come in handy.

My first concern is that my heart rate monitor is not working correctly. I have taken my heart rate the old fashioned way a few times now and have compared it to my HRM watch. Every single time it has either said the same number or been 1-2 beats off. I can honestly say that when I go to the gym and spend 30 minutes on the bike or elliptical I am giving it my all. I am not, as Jillian Michaels would say, "phoning it in at the gym".

I'm not burning all of these calories at one time either. Tuesday, for example, looked like this:

4:45am- wake up
5am- quick snack and water
530am- gym (35 min bike, 30 min elliptical)- calories burned 784
7am- work (ate a banana and drank a cup of coffee)
9am- breakfast
10am- 1.37 mile walk (half uphill)- calories burned 215
1030am- snack
1130am- 2.10 mile walk (half uphill)- calories burned 333
1245pm- lunch
430pm- left work
5pm- 35 minute interval run- calories burned 479
615pm- dinner

I finished the day with eating 2200 calories and burning 1792 and I had 792 calories left over. I know that I could have picked better choices (dinner was out at Smashburger where I got a grilled chicken sandwich (yes with cheese!) and sweet potato fries (but I did not eat them all)), but when I got home I just was not hungry.

I am going to try to focus on the good healthy guidelines set by Weight Watchers- fruits & veggies, dairy, multivitamin, whole wheat, protein, healthy oils, etc. I think this will make up for some of those extra calories that I'm not eating, but I know I'm not going to be perfect every day.

I think that as long as I do one thing for the next 2-4 weeks (using the HRM for every workout, tracking, eating as many calories as I am hungry for and not forcing it) then it will be enough time to see if it's working or not. I know that my weight loss may stall for a while due to the intensity of the workouts and I am ready for that.

Right now I keep telling myself (and am believing) that I would much rather have a toned body with less body fat then see the scale get down to 150 (or whatever number in the healthy weight range it stops at). I know that if I continue to make these healthy lifestyle changes then my body is going to follow and I will slim down and have the body I'm working for.

The number on the scale is just one way to measure success. I passed up dessert last night at my in-laws... Success! I have been drinking 10+ glasses of water every day for the past two days... Success! I have tracked every bite, lick and taste for two days... Success! I have not binged for the past two days... Success! I have followed my workout schedule for the past two days... Success!

I need to stop the voices in my head that are confused about the calories in/calories out and just start listening to my body. I mean, if I'm working out, eating well (and to satisfaction) then everything else will fall into place.

This is not a sprint! My body may not see the results in the amount of time I wish. This is a marathon and it's going to take a while to get to that finish line. But I would be lying if I said that it isn't worth every painful step along the way to cross that finish line..

Training- Day 1

Yesterday was day one of training. Training will be ongoing for the next 18 months. I will more than likely take a small break after Dopey in January 2015 before starting to train again for Dumbo Double Dare.

That's a lot of training, a lot of running, a lot of gym time.

And it does concern me that I will end up feeling burnt out. There are going to be days, weeks, possibly months where I don't want to run and regret this decision. But my hope is that I get into the habit of going to the gym, of running three times a week, of doing my workout DVD twice a week and it will become second nature.

The important thing for me to remember is that I need to listen to my body. I can't push it too far, but at the same time I have to push it enough so that I can see results.

I know that life events are going to happen and interrupt my weekly schedule. Since I make the schedule ahead of time I don't always know what the plans are going to be.

This has already happened. On day one of week one.. 

Yesterday I was supposed to run for 30-45 minutes and today I was supposed to do a workout DVD (Ripped in 30, week 1). But my mother in law invited me to something for tonight and I decided to go, which threw off my schedule.

With Isabel's swim lesson and the party it pushed my workout back to after 8:30 pm. I just don't like being that upstairs neighbor who's jumping around late at night. I know it's not that late, but I'd just rather not.

So, I made it work. I switched days and ended up cursing Jillian Michaels and in tears by my complete lack of strength and endurance. It was frustrating, especially because I had to stop a few times, but I took those quick breaks and got back to it and I know that eventually I will be able to get through it without stopping.

I wore my heart rate monitor for each workout and ended up burning 1,902 calories for the day. That's insane! All those calories burned just from walking twice at work, going to the gym for an hour and 15 minutes and doing a workout DVD.

What's better is that I got to bed at a decent hour, and woke up this morning before my alarm ready to hit the gym again.

So that's exactly what I did. I went this morning and got in my 30 minutes on the stationary bike and 30 minutes on the elliptical. I showered there and got to work a half hour early. Now all I have left are my two walks at work and I'm going to run tonight after work. The plan is to go to my parents and park my car. Then I'll run around their neighborhood and down to the pool that Isabel has lessons at. I'll probably end up getting there about 5-10 minutes after her lesson starts, but it should end up being over 2 miles.

I'm sure my eating could improve, but I find myself choosing better foods to bring to work and actually eating breakfast at a decent hour. I can tell that this time is different and I know some days will be better than others, but for now I'm going to ride this endorphin high.

My Current Top Ten Future Health Goals

1. Get down to a weight that is within my healthy weight range.

2. Maintain a healthy weight.

3. Get down to a healthy BMI.

4. Get down to a healthy body fat percentage.

5. Limit sweets to once a week to make them a treat.

6. Limit alcohol to once a week to make it a treat.

7. Consistently drink 6 or more glasses of water a day.

8. Track. Everything. Everyday.

9. Stay off of the scale except for on weigh in day.

10. Take pride in my body the way it is and for the things it has allowed me to do.

My Current Top Ten Future Personal Goals

1. Save up enough money to send my children to college

2. Save up enough money for a down payment on a house

3. Have more pictures taken of myself instead of always being behind the camera.

4. Make a chore chart and stick with it to keep a clean and organized home.

5. Read more.

6. Keep a written journal and stop tearing pages out of it.

7. Stick to planned budget and track spending.

8. Limit personal shopping trips.

9. Limit eating out to 2 times a week.

10. Continue to dress for success.

Grocery Shopping

Today was grocery shopping day for our household. To go along with our new budget we have already started, we decided that it was also important to start grocery shopping on a more regular basis. We specifically budgeted $400/month for groceries because we are used to shopping once a month and spending close to that amount.

But we were both getting frustrated with getting to the end of the month with bare cupboards and an empty fridge, and I for one was getting frustrated with the lack of fresh fruit and veggies.

So we decided that we would go after payday. We would make a list which would include three sections: need, want, coupon. The need column usually contains the same things- milk, eggs, cheese, bread, and occasionally household items like detergent, toilet paper, etc. The want and the coupon list are a little different.

For me, I want to get the most out of my money. If something is on either of those lists and they are not on sale, then we don't get them that trip. They have to at least be on sale, that way I am saving money with the saving, and possibly even more with the coupon.

I also find that I am able to save more money when Patrick is not with me. If he's there shopping with me, forget about our budget. We end up with a full cart of groceries and a hole burnt in our pockets.

But that wasn't the case today. I went with Isabel this morning with our list and our coupons. I had our $200 budget in mind..

Grand total? $169.63
Total savings? $99.43 = 37%
Total items- 70
Total items not on sale- 9

I would call this a success! Our refrigerator, freezer and cupboards are full and I was $30.37 under budget. Off to \a great start already.

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 188.8
Last week's weight: 186.2
This week's weight: 185.4
This week +/-: -0.8
Total +/-: -3.4

I woke up this morning thinking that it was weigh in day, so I stepped on the scale and was both shocked and happily surprised by what I saw. But, I have a confession. I don't think I deserve this loss. I don't feel like I've been going too crazy with my eating, but I have not been tracking. At all.

I kind of fell off of the tracking/working out wagon and I'm trying to climb back on. I made a workout schedule for next week (that I will post tomorrow) and I am really looking forward to it. It seems like a lot, but it's really not that much and I know I can handle it. I have got to push myself in order to see the changes and I know that I am just an all around happier person when I am working out.

Tracking is such a simple thing to do. I have the app on my phone and have access to a computer at home and at work, so there really is no excuse. I will be tracking everything starting today and will post my menu's once a month so as not to get burnt out on doing that as well.

As far as the eating goes, I am hoping that since I am starting to train for all of the races I have scheduled that the eating healthy will become a priority and I can focus on fruits, veggies, protein, healthy fats and complex carbs. No more fast food or processed crap. It may be easier (and less calories) to grab a 100 calorie pre packaged snack, but it would be better for my body to grab a measured portion of nuts or veggies with hummus.

The workouts scheduled are hopefully going to burn both calories and fat and I do intend to stick with the My Fitness Pal way of thinking, eat more to weigh less. But again, I need to eat those calories the proper way- more ounces of chicken, whole wheat pasta or brown rice, etc.

It's all a choice and up until now I have been making the wrong choices.

So my decision is to get serious about this to earn my results, not just luck out in losing almost a pound when it may not have been deserved. It's appreciated, but not deserved. I know that I may see a stall in the scale continuing to go down once I start to work out again, but that's a part of the process and it's a reason as to why I am also focusing on measurements, body fat % and BMI.

Being so close to the first of the month I am getting a little antsy to check my BMI and my Body Fat %. I know that it's not going to have changed drastically since my beginning numbers are from a weight that I was at not that long ago, but it will be nice to see progress. I have decided to use an app on my phone to check both. I am fairly certain they are both accurate, however I would prefer to stick with the same calculator then different ones each month.

I am also looking forward to taking my measurements. I don't think that there will be much of a difference between last month and this month on these as well, but you really never know until you actually take the measurements.

I am so ready to see progress and to put in that work that is needed. I really think the negative experience I had with the personal trainer may have given me that extra push I needed. I know I shouldn't be doing this for anyone else but myself, but I find very little more motivating than someone telling me I can't. Granted she didn't say that I can't do it, but the whole situation just pushed me to that point that I want to prove to everyone (myself included) that I can and will do this on my own.

Personal Trainer- FAIL

I received an email regarding a free orientation with a personal trainer at the gym I belong to. So I went last week and she kicked my ass. We worked out for 10 minutes and I was ready to die at the end. Which either means she's a great trainer or I'm really out of shape.

We sat down at the end of the session, the part where she takes of her "trainer" hat and puts on her "sales person" hat. She took out a notebook and showed me a variety of prices: half hour sessions one time a week for four weeks, half hour sessions two times a week for four weeks, hour sessions once a week for four weeks, etc.

At that point in time I did not have the extra money to spend on personal training. It was not the responsible thing to do. No matter how hard she pushed. The responsible thing was to go home and sit with Patrick and discuss our budget. We both have received some very exciting promotions at work and it was time to update mint.com with that information. So we sat down and went through everything and it worked out that I could afford the extra $140 a month to meet with the trainer once a week for a 30 minute session.

YAY!

It was just a matter of time until I signed up with Mary, my very first personal trainer.

I called her last night to see if she was at the gym so that I could sign up with her. She wasn't there, so I left my name and number with the receptionist. It wasn't more than 10 minutes later that I received a phone call from an unknown number and it was her. I was excited to set up my first appointment for next Monday at 6pm. I would go directly to the gym after work, do cardio on my own for 45 minutes to an hour and then get my ass kicked for a full 30 minutes.

But, Mary didn't remember me. I shrugged it off because she obviously has other clients and meeting with one person once is not something to remember them by. But then she quoted me $150 for the four sessions. I shrugged that off too. $10 extra wasn't a big deal. Maybe I saw it wrong the first time. I'd figure it out, it's only $10 and our budget had a little extra wiggle room.  I told her I would come in Tuesday night at 6pm to pay and we would start our sessions next week.

I had been feeling mixed emotions all day about going in to pay for the sessions. I had the money set aside. I had the mentality that this is the right thing. But something didn't feel right. I was already feeling buyers remorse for spending so much  money on myself.

So when I got to the gym and Mary said it would be $160 for the four half hour sessions it didn't take much for me to tell her that she originally quoted me $140. She said she'd check her notebook, but came back saying $160. I simply said "That's out of my budget" and I walked out.

$20 over budget is not that big of a deal, and again there was wiggle room. But what happens if I keep wiggling? What happens if next month I see progress and want to keep going and it turns out that the prices increased to $180 or $200? What happens if our personalities don't match and I'm stuck with her each week for a month?

She called shortly after I left. I let it go to voicemail because I knew it was her and I was not in the right frame of mind to talk to her. She left a message and offered me 5 sessions for the $160 price, meaning one session free. Not good enough.

And at this point I'm in the mentality that I can (and will) do this on my own and prove to her (not that she cares or will ever know) and to myself that I do not need to spend $140 (or $160) for someone else to tell me what to do in order to become healthier and in better shape. Yes, the motivation and being held accountable by someone once a week would be helpful for me, I know that that is something I need in order to succeed, but I don't think that I was going about it the right way.

I am more than capable of using the gym equipment properly on my own. I am more than capable of sticking to a scheduled workout. I am more than capable of getting to a healthy weight range, a healthy BMI and a healthy body fat percentage on my own.

I mean, clearly. I have done oh so well on my own this far...

But to be positive, I am using this as motivation to schedule my workouts for the next week and start on my workouts for the month of August. I have already decided that my scheduled workouts will be posted in multiple locations so that I see it everywhere I go (bathroom mirror, refrigerator, car, work desk, etc). I have no excuses not to do this.

I can not wish the weight away and expect results. I cannot wish for runners legs and expect results. I cannot wish for a smaller backside and expect results. I cannot wish for the after body without putting in all of the work to get there. Hard work and patience. I am lacking in both.

Here's to getting that after body. Here's to putting in the work to get there. Here's to making the healthier choices. Here's to my future. Here's to success!

Weigh In Day and a Weekend Recap

We went out last night. Like grown ups do on a weekend night. And Isabel stayed with Patrick's parents, all.. night.. long..

This is rare for us to have her stay with his parents. I feel weird asking them and that ends up to us not going out for dates as often as we should. In fact, we often go months without going on a real date. It's not unusual for Isabel to stay the night at my parents once a week, but that's usually for her benefit for the night before both Patrick and I have to work early.

She had a blast at Grandma and Grandpa's though, and Patrick and I had a blast both last night at the party and this morning when we woke up at 9:30 in the morning.

I decided to try a new outfit for the party. I bought the pants a few days ago and paired it with a bright shirt. I'm not quite sure how it turned out, but I thought it looked cute and pretty well put together when I included the scarf I made.

The party was for a friend of my parents. It was his combination 60th birthday party and retirement party. It was a casino themed party, complete with a poker table, black jack tables and a crap's table. I don't understand how to play craps, so Patrick and I tried our hand at black jack. We were doing pretty well, but as soon as my parent's sat down to play Texas Hold 'Em, I knew it was time to get serious.

My dad is a poker player. He is at the nearby poker room no less than three times a week, and in Vegas about once a month. He's always being invited to play in tournaments and it is pretty intimidating playing with him.

So last night I thought it would be fun to play since it was a "friendly" game. The dealer was awesome and we were having such a great time. The plan was to stay until 9 or so and then Patrick and I were going to find something to do after, but we were having so much fun that we didn't leave until 10:30 or so, right after I knocked my dad out with an awesome hand that he thought I was bluffing on.

















This wasn't really my hand, but all of those chips were mine... I started the evening with $500 in chips and ended the night with $1960. If only that was real!

It was a great night and I feel so lucky to have in laws that are willing to watch Isabel over night, as well as a family that I can actually have a wonderful time spending time with. Three hours of playing poker with my parents and husband is one of the highlights of my week.

Which brings me to this morning...

Patrick and I were lucky enough to sleep in until 9:30 AM again this morning. The second day in a row! This is so rare for us. Rare and appreciated. Glorious would be the best word.. Between Patrick usually working on the weekends, swap meets, training runs, children and other odd interruptions, I honestly couldn't even tell you the last time we slept in together.

Being Sunday morning that means that it is weigh in day and the start of my week for weight loss and fitness.

Last week's weight: 186.6
This week's weight: 186.2
This week +/-: -0.4
Total +/-: -2.6

Thoughts: I am so happy to see a loss this week! I was honestly anticipating a gain with the way this week has gone, and was just hoping to not have gained it all back and then some. But I ended up losing and am using it as motivation to do better this week.

I went off track this week. By off track I mean that I stopped tracking. After working with the trainer for a measly 10 minutes on Monday I felt extremely sore for three days afterwards. To the point where I moaned and groaned standing and sitting. To the point where I think I was less sore after the LA Marathon. Yes, I am that out of shape..

It made me realize that I need to go tomorrow after work to sign up with the trainer. No excuses! I desperately want to improve my numbers (weight, BMI, body fat % and measurements). I want to be in the best shape I can be in and that means that I need to make my health, my eating habits and my fitness a top priority.

I think I'm too focused on the end result, how long it's going to take to get there, and the frustration with it not happening faster, that I am not as invested in the process. I need to realize that this is not just about the end result. It's a daily struggle and it's a long process. If I focus on the day by day, and maybe even the meal by meal successes then my goals will be reached eventually.

So it's back to tracking today and back to picking healthy choices. Hoping to get in at least 4 cardio workouts this week, two at the gym and two running, and two strength workouts, one with my personal trainer and one on my own. I am not sure exactly what days I am going to get these workouts in, but I am committed to fitting it in when I can.

This coming week I am also planning on picking out some really cute outfits for work. I have purchased some new clothes from Kohl's and Marshall's and am really excited to play around with different outfit combinations. I think that it's a positive way for me to appreciate my body. Even if it has a negative impact for my bank account...

Sunday July 14th

Goal: 1200
Food: 2055
Exercise: -868
Net: 1187

Breakfast:
Special K Waffles (150)
Crunchy Peanut Butter (95)
Small Banana (90)

Snack:
Grapes (62)

Lunch:
Apple Blue Pecan Salad (230)
Hard Boiled Egg (60)
Baby Carrots (35)

Snack:
Pepper Jack Sandwich Crackers (190)
Jelly Bellies (520)

Dinner:
Ground Beef Hamburger Patty (380)
Sweet Potato with Light Butter and Brown Sugar (243)

Exercise:
Gym- Stationary Bike (-720)
Malibooty Workout (-148)

Positive: I really did not want to track everything that I ate today, but knew that is not the point of doing this. I had a weak moment and instead of ignoring it, I owned it and am proud of ending the day under my calorie goal.

Thoughts:
* I was very excited to see a loss on the scale this morning. Of course weighing in means that I failed on my monthly weigh in, but I am hoping that the more conscious I am about what that number means (or doesn't mean) then the better mentally I can handle this.

* I picked up the apartment today and had some help from my step daughter Leah. She picked up the kids bedroom while I tackled our bedroom, the living room, the patio and I started the laundry.

* Which reminds me that I need to change over the loads and make a dent in the piles sitting in the hallway.

* To keep the laundry theme going, it amazes me how much laundry can pile up in a week. Especially when there are five of us here instead of the normal three.

* Tomorrow is the start to my training for my new position and the day that my promotion goes through (including pay increase). I'm excited to learn the position, but I know that it's going to be A LOT of information condensed into a small amount of time. That's a little nerve wracking because sometimes it takes me a little longer to pick up on things. But I bought a notebook and I plan on writing everything down so that I can look back and do things right the first time. I am so grateful for this opportunity.

* I went to the gym tonight and rode the stationary bike for a little over an hour (65 minutes). I ended up burning just over 700 calories and the most exciting part... I went for 18.05 miles! I have really been into keeping track of distances and certain milestones. To date, this was my longest bike ride.

* I bought sweet potatoes at the grocery store yesterday and Patrick was nice enough to stick one in the oven while he made hamburgers for dinner. It was amazing and they will be a permanent staple on my grocery list from now on. A little butter and brown sugar. Delicious and really healthy for you (maybe not so much the butter and brown sugar, but it needs some flavor)...

* I am in love with my patio. I wish it was bigger, but I could sit outside forever and just enjoy the flowers and plants. I sometimes I wish I had more extra time to just sit out there with a glass of wine and a good book. Mmmmm... wine.

* I sent Patrick and Kaleb out to hit a bucket of golf balls tonight so that the girls could have movie night. We picked a kid friendly movie- A Cinderella Story. I only wish I had saved the calories for some popcorn.

* Isabel starts swim lessons tomorrow. I am a little concerned about how that's going to pan out. She is afraid of drowning, so at five years old she still wears floaties and screams when we try to get her to swim by herself. She panics and that's the worst thing she can do. This is her 5th time in this lesson group. All of the kids in her class are younger than her and all of the other kids in the prior 4 classes have graduated to the next set of classes. I know that at some point this swimming thing will just click, so I'm trying not to be too concerned, but it is a little worrisome.

Weekend Recap

Well, the weekend isn't over, but I wanted to post something since I've been a bit of a lazy blogger. I'm kind of going through something. Again. I feel like it's silly to blog about some of these things, like no one cares about what I'm going through or that no one will relate to my ups and downs in my weight loss journey.

But then this morning I realized something. I need to do this for me. I feel better when I journal about what's going on. I feel better when it's written out for me to see. And in all honesty I feel like putting it out there holds me a little more accountable.

So yesterday didn't turn out how I had planned. I wanted to go for a 5 mile run as scheduled. Patrick was scheduled to open (630-3), but realized mid morning that he needed to stay until 6. This pushed back my run and was originally going to be no big deal. But then you have to factor in time to pick up the big kids, time to drive home, time to make and eat dinner, etc. This pushed my run back past when I wanted and I kind of just gave up on the workout and on the day.

I ate horribly. HORRIBLY... I can't even begin to explain the things that I ate or why I ate them. I went overboard and I am embarrassed about how I let myself have a free for all.

And then this morning...

Well I made it one week into my monthly weigh ins. I do not know why I continue to try to make myself weigh in monthly when I know that I can't make it more than a week without checking my progress.

Other than yesterday I feel like this week has gone well. I've splurged while staying within my calories and I've made the last few days livable while making better choices about what I eat. I've learned that for me it's better to focus on my fitness goals than my weight loss goals. It will hopefully help me make better choices on a day to day basis. I've enjoyed working out, making a workout schedule and sticking to it for the most part. I've loved going to the gym and have found a new found passion in the stationary bike.

Everything I put into it paid off. I love 2.2 pounds this week. I know that not every week is going to be like this week. Some weeks are going to be better food and exercise wise and some weeks are going to be worse. Some weeks the effort is going to show on the scale and some weeks it's not. I have to be okay with that. As frustrating as it is.

A gain does not mean give up. A gain can mean a million and one different things. And a loss that was less than expected also has a million and one meanings behind it.

I am hoping that if I remain focused and avoid going completely off track then I can see more progress on the scale next week.

I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be. I am on this journey for a reason. I am going to make mistakes along the way. I'm going to live my life the best I know and I'm hoping that at some point the efforts I am putting into it will pay off eventually. It may not be when I want them to, but at some point it will happen.

Last week I felt like I didn't really do enough workout wise. This week I have kind of scheduled a bit more. More than a bit more. I know that I need to find the right balance for me and in order to do that I need to figure out what's too much.

Sunday 7/14: Gym- 60 min bike ride, Malibooty Workout
Monday 7/15: walk at work, Gym- 30 min bike, 30 min elliptical, Lean Legs Workout
Tuesday 7/16: walk at work, 2 mile walk (uphill/flat) 2 mile interval run (downhill/flat), Easy Abs
Wednesday 7/17: walk at work, One Room Cardio
Thursday 7/18: walk at work, Interval Run- 3.10 miles, Tank Top Arms
Friday 7/19: walk at work, Gym- 30 min bike, 30 min elliptical, Tame Those Thighs
Saturday 7/20: Run- 5 miles, Wedding Day Arms Workout

Malibooty Workout:
15 dead weights
20 side leg lifts (standing)
20 donkey kicks (each leg)
20 back leg lifts (standing)
20 straight donkey kicks (each leg)
20 butt raise with kick
repeat until you can't do it anymore

Lean Legs Workout:
10 forward lunges (10 each leg)
10 plié jumps
10 reverse lunges (10 each leg)
10 squat jumps
10 step ups (10 each leg)
10 leg lifts (10 each leg)
10 single leg bridges (10 each leg)
10 leg lifts (10 each leg)
10x10 second wall sit
repeat

Easy Abs:
20 crunches
15 second plank
10 mountain climbers
15 second plank
10 second side plank (each side)
10 vertical leg crunches
20 bicycles
30 scissors
15 second plank

One Room Cardio:
20 jumping jacks
30 second high knees
30 second butt kickers
5 jump squats
10 front kicks
30 second mountain climbers
30 second water break
5 burpees
20 jumping jacks
30 second jump rope
5 split jump squats
10 front kicks
30 second march
15 second high knees
15 second butt kickers
30 second water break
30 jumping jacks
40 second jump rope
5 burpees
20 second jog in place
15 second run in place
30 second water break
20 jumping jacks
10 lateral jumps
5 jump squats
30 second jump rope
5 tuck jumps
30 second water break
20 jumping jacks
25 second high knees
5 squats
40 second march

Tank Top Arms
10 push ups
24 bicep burners (8 full, 8 half, 8 full)
15 shoulder presses
10 push ups
15 tricep dips
15 back rows
15 lateral raises
10 push ups
15 tricep kickbacks with 20 tricep pulse backs

Tame Those Thighs:
20 lunges
10 side lunges
20 leg lifts (each side)
20 fire hydrants
10 donkeys (each leg)
30 sideways scissors
10 plié squats
20 leg lifts (each leg)
20 side lunges
10 standing leg lifts (each leg)
30 second wall sit
30 fire hydrants
10 plié squats
30 side to side skaters
10 slow standing leg lifts
10 fire hydrants
20 plié squats
stretch

Wedding Day Arms Workout:
10 push ups
15 tricep kickbacks
15 bicep curls
15 shoulder presses
10 push ups
20 bent over rows
15 upright rows
10 push ups
15 front raises
15 bent over reverse flys
20 tricep dips
50 jumping jacks
repeat

Eating Healthy for Training Purposes

I have been told that losing weight is 80% eating healthy and 20% working out. I think I have the working out part down, at least I enjoy doing it more than I do eating healthy. But the problem is, working out will only bring me so far.

Weight loss is important to me, but I think that it is important for all of the wrong reasons.

I was listening to a Jillian Michael's podcast yesterday while at work and something hit me, and it hit me hard. She was talking to a girl who had lost 117 pounds and was trying to get off the last 30 or so pounds. After talking to her for a while, they got to the heart of the matter. She kept sabotaging herself and would get stuck at certain points along her journey. It finally came out that she was losing weight for someone else, her father. He had passed away over ten years prior, yet she was still trying to get his approval of her.

I feel odd admitting this, but I think that I am trying to lose weight for someone else as well. No, not Patrick. Not even my children.

For some reason, if I really think about it (and believe me, I do not want to be thinking about it), I am trying to lose weight for my ex. I think it's half for approval and half for vain reasons. No, I do not want him back. No, his opinion really does not matter to me. No, I do not plan on seeing him anytime soon if ever (I'm hoping for never). But our relationship really messed me up in more ways than one and I think I pushed it so far down that I am sometimes caught off guard by these feelings.

I am never going to find success in any weight loss journey if I do it for someone else. That is just setting myself up for failure. He didn't love me or treat me with respect when I was at my lowest weight, when I had confidence in myself and how I looked. He didn't love me or treat me with respect when I was at my highest adult weight and carrying his child. He didn't support me when I tried to lose that weight. He didn't support me in raising our child. And when he left he chose to beat me when I was down. He made excuses that broke my spirit and any self confidence I had in myself vanished and has not been seen since.

So I have yo-yo'd with me weight for over 6 years. Each time trying to lose weight to look better for someone else, never for myself.

I came to a realization tonight..

I think I am putting too much emphasis on eating healthy for weight loss. The scale is not budging (and has been going up) and it has just been frustrating me beyond belief.

I have low self esteem as it is. Obviously.

I'm just starting to weigh in monthly to prevent the mood swings brought on by weighing myself. Today I came to the realization that I need to stop trying to eat healthy for weight loss. Instead I need to eat healthy for training.

I think if I focus on training and working out, to the point of dedication (to certain family members obsession) then I have goals I can more easily obtain. I need some successes. If I focused then the weight loss and everything else should fall into place.

I may not praise myself enough, but I have more confidence in myself when I reach certain physical goals (completing my first marathon, PRing my half marathon time, PRing my full marathon time, attempting Dopey). If I switch my goals from eating healthier foods (with the occasional treat) for weight loss to eating healthier foods to fuel my body to make it through intense training runs, long gym days and other measurable fitness goals then maybe (no promises!) I will finally see some success in the weight loss department.

Yes, I realize that this does mean that I will be trying to lose weight, but the focus will be on fueling my body. You can't fuel your body with Swedish fish, Jelly Bellies and ice cream, even if it does fit into your calorie goal for the day.

Who knows, but I think switching gears may be what pushes me to that next level of success.