I Feel Like a Failure

I keep trying new things that last a day or two and then I give up. I'm either not strong enough, not patient enough, I don't have enough self control, etc. In all of these new things I realize that I am not enough.

This post is more of a ramble than any realization I could make. I have no profound thoughts. I also may be two glasses of wine in and am not quite sure what will come out of this.

I got rid of the scale almost two months ago. The first month went by and I felt great. I was learning how to appreciate my body the way that it is. I felt happy. Genuinely. The problem? I wasn't watching what I was eating. I fell into old habit with my eating, stopped going to the gym and expected things to change for the better.

I know this doesn't work, but isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

After hearing good reviews about Intuitive Eating and the The Body Image Workbook, I decided to buy them. I started with the workbook. I took the initial quizzes to see where I was starting at. I reverted back to the negative self talk. I started hating my body again.

At this time I had also done a little online shopping. I have decided that I wanted some more work appropriate outfits and ordered in a size 12, the size I have been wearing that has been fitting comfortably.

The orders have been arriving over the past couple days. They are all tight. Not horribly (well, not according to Patrick), but it's just not what I wanted or what I was hoping for.

I am so disappointed. In the clothes, in my body, in myself.

But no one can change it but myself.

So, once again.. I'm back at it. Starting tonight I plan on continuing to read Intuitive Eating. Starting tomorrow I plan to get back to working out, and more than just running. I also plan on having more self control in regards to my eating.

I can do this..

Maybe if I say it enough I will actually start to believe it.

September 11, 2013

Twelve years ago today I woke up and started getting ready for school. I was a Junior in high school. It started like any other day.

I went into my parents room to say good morning to my mom and saw that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center. Being young and naive I truly believed that it was an accident. An tragic error. A mistake.

I thought how sad it was that this was happening and left to finish getting ready. I was barely down the hall when my mom yelled out. I ran back just after the second plane crashed. 

This was no accident. There was no error. No one had made a mistake.

I went to school and was sitting in my history class watching the news. We watched as the buildings collapsed. We witnessed death, devastation and our world's changed in a blink of an eye. 

And we weren't even directly affected.

September 11th is a day that will never be forgotten. It will be a day that I will always know where I was when it happened. A day that my children will learn about in school...

I will never forget that day, the people who lost their lives, or the way we united as a country. If only it didn't take an event so awful to bring us together.

Today was a pretty good day. I ate when hungry and worked out. Sometimes I just have to tell myself to do it, tell someone else I'm going to do it and then get it done. 

I decided spur of the moment that I wanted to go for a run tonight. I ran last night and it was amazing, even if I did run right by a bee hive and had a bee get in my shirt (I got it out without being stung). 

We went out to dinner to our normal Wednesday location for trivia, so I knew it was a little over 2 miles. I ran to a point just past comfort and ended the 2.56 miles in 30:30, averaging just under 12 minute miles. 

The highlight of my run was during a walk break. I was approaching two teenage boys walking toward me. I smiled and they both said hi. I said hi back. I was over two miles at this point, slightly out of breath, glistening with sweat and walking.. One of the young men said, as he passed me "You are beautiful." 

This compliment is not something I take easily. I don't believe it when Patrick says it, I tried believing it when Isabel said it and I told myself this teenage boy was mocking me when he said it. I said thank you and continued on my way.

But why shouldn't I believe any of these people? Patrick doesn't gain anything by saying it. Isabel is 5, so she's sometimes painfully honest. And it's not like this stranger had anything to gain by saying it and he wasn't laughing while saying it so maybe he really believed it. 

Maybe it's time I start believing it too.

7am: 1 cup of coffee with 2 tbsp coffeemate peppermint mocha creamer, 3 splenda, 1 serving yogurt covered raisins
840am: 1 cup Cheerio's, 1 cup fat free milk, banana
1035am: apple, string cheese, yogurt covered raisins
115pm: rice, peas, corn, hot & spicy spam, lemon bar
245pm: Oikos Greek yogurt- strawberry

7pm: shrimp dinner with zucchini, fried fish taco

cardio workout: 1.32 mile walk, 2 mile walk, 2.56 mile interval run
strength training:
65 squats
2 sets of 10
squat & press
dead weight/chest row
squat/kettle bell swing
right leg static lunge with bicep curl
chair/reverse fly
left leg static lunge with bicep curl
squat/dumb bell row
crunches
reverse crunches
left side crunches
right side crunches
push ups
tricep kickbacks
bicep curls
shoulder presses
front raises
lateral raises
tricep dips

One Month Scale Free

It has been exactly one month since I have stepped on a scale.

I haven't really thought much about it and for some reason decided to look back to when I wrote my post regarding getting rid of the scale. It was on August 10th and I had weighed myself the day before. It was the last time I stepped on a scale and I have not looked back since.

I know that this way of thinking is not recommended for everyone, and I am in no way suggesting that other people do what I did, but I cannot believe the transformation I have made internally in such a short amount of time.

I decided to get rid of the scale because it was literally taking over my life. I had talked about it in therapy but was not finding what I needed in regards to figuring out why it was such a huge factor in measuring success. I cannot recall a time in my childhood that I was overweight or that weight was an issue. I was the smallest in my family weight wise and never thought anything of it. It wasn't until I was older that I started to really hear my mom talk negatively about herself. There are a few moments that I could pinpoint, but nothing drastic that should send me into a tailspin of self hatred.

But I was heading towards rock bottom in regards to the negativity I spoke about myself. I would say something awful in my head and then believe it until I spoke it aloud. Then I would hate myself even more. Poor Patrick had to deal with my waves of emotions when it came to my body and self image and was constantly trying to pick me up while I overtook his efforts and tore myself back down.

What's worse is that I said these things in front of Isabel. My worst fear as a parent is that my daughter will grow up with these negative body images. I know that it will more than likely happen, but I'm supposed to be the one to protect her, not teach her these behaviors.

When I realized that it was the scale that brought me down more than anything I decided to quit using it as a tool to measure success. It's not the only way to see the progress you are making and yet I was allowing that number to be the end all be all.

It was draining thinking about weighing in. It was draining feeling so great one minute and then so down the next all because there wasn't progress or it wasn't enough or worst of all I had gained. There were way too many factors that were affecting the scale and it was just, well, overwhelming.

I couldn't continue to justify gains. I had worked out and done strength training, gain. I had a lot of sodium, gain. It was that time of the month, gain. It was a full moon, gain. I just got out of the shower and my hair is wet, gain. The scale is not positioned in the correct location, gain.

Mind games.

In this past month I have used measurements as a way to track changes in my body. This past month I gained an inch in my waist, stayed the same in my hips and ended up losing in my arms, thighs and bust. I didn't spiral out of control when I saw that I had gained an inch. It was an amazing change to how I would have reacted weekly (or multiple times a week depending on how often I stepped on the scale) when I weighed in.

I asked Patrick the other night if he could tell a difference in my attitude towards myself and he said yes, with excitement. I feel as though he no longer has to pick me up when I hit the bottom. He no longer has to pry the food from my hands when I go overboard. He no longer has to constantly compliment me in order to keep my spirits up and the voices in my head at bay (although the compliments don't have to stop.. Hint Hint).

I did also ask him if he could tell a difference in my body. I didn't really want to ask the question because in all honesty he sees me every day and most likely will not notice a small difference the way I would, but alas my old habit did sneak back in. I didn't really get the answer I had hoped for. But I didn't freak out. I didn't try to justify his answer and point out the changes I could see until he agreed with me. Instead I took his answer for what it was, the truth of what he could see.

I can see a difference in my body. I am appreciating it more. I am looking at it from a whole different perspective. I am enjoying what I'm eating. I am enjoying what I'm wearing. I am enjoying working out. I am enjoying the changes that are occurring. I am enjoying the freedom that I have right now. I am not stressed about food. I am not stressed about weight. I am not stressed about calories or points. I am just feeling genuinely happy.

I am going to believe that these changes are because I no longer own a scale. That is the only thing that has changed. I no longer track my food because it was getting too complicated trying to find the balance of how many calories to eat back. I find that if I eat when I am hungry and eat the healthiest choices I can while still enjoying the unhealthy foods every once in a while then I don't feel deprived and actually find that my body is improving.

I don't know what I way and I don't have any desire to. I'm going to keep running, keep eating well, keep strength training and keep losing inches. Some months will be better than others. Some days will be awesome some won't. As long as I keep trying and keep improving health wise and as a person over all then I feel like I am doing something right.

I just feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. I'm not stressing and I am enjoying life. And my body freaking rocks!!

Thursday Thoughts

Thankful Thursday:

Five things I am thankful for about myself

1. I am thankful that I allow myself to adjust to my wants and needs. My weigh loss/fitness/eating goals and habits change often. One week I am at the gym 6 days and counting calories while the next week I am eating what I want and not going to the gym at all. I have learned that it's okay to do what's right for me in the moment and to just make the best choices with the information I have at hand. Right now, for example, I'm trying to eat healthier options and to stop eating when I am satisfied while working out 3-5 days a week (sometimes twice a day if need be). It's what's working for me right now while balancing family, work and my health goals.
2. I am thankful that I am interested in improving my health. It would be way to easy for me to say F it and just give up, eat all the things and never workout. I've done that on a few occasions and I realized that it doesn't make me happy to eat whatever I want. I makes me happy to feel good about myself and to not feel sluggish or sick to my stomach more often than not. I may not ever have my "ideal" body (whatever that may be) but I can feel good about myself at whatever size as long as I am doing the right things.
3. I am thankful that I enjoy my job and that I do a good job doing it. It may not be the job that I always dreamed of having growing up, but it is the next best thing. I love working at a desk in front of a computer and basically doing data entry. There's more to my job then that, but it sums it up easily... I am a quick learner and am thankful for the opportunity to be in a field that I had no experience in and that I had a chance to grow in. I may not make as much money as I'd like (or think I deserve), but it's a good job and I've been here for almost 3 years.
4. I am thankful that I have a fairly good handle on our finances. I have really been enjoying being the one to manage our money and I think that I'm doing a decent job at it. So far we have been able to put extra money into our house savings (not much, but some and right now every little bit counts). I have never been the type of person to want a lot, but I have always looked forward to being comfortable. I have been known to have a hate/hate relationship with money and now that we are combined it is a lot different. I balanced our checkbook after payday and realized that we would actually have some money left over and have been impatiently waiting for the bills to come so I can pay them. That's not like me at all and I like this me a lot better when it comes to money.
5. I am thankful that I can look in the mirror and point out positives in my body. Not every time, but more often than before so that's been a nice change of pace. I don't always see or feel the need to point out the negatives I see, but instead I can look and occasionally point out my stomach and see that it is slimming down, or my thighs and see that they too are becoming stronger. It's a huge step in the right direction.

Five things I am thankful for in life

1. I am thankful that my parents let me run before I pick up Isabel from their house. Some nights I have to fit in a workout where I can and in order to train properly I need to fit in two weekday runs that last anywhere from 30-45 minutes. Some nights I am able to get out there and go for the full 45 minutes, but other nights I can only do a quick run. I'm usually okay with that (especially with the hot weather we have been experiencing) but sometimes it doesn't seem worth it to go any less than 3 miles. Regardless, I do have to get in the minimum amount of time per week because it helps tremendously on the weekend long distance training run. This week I've had to run on the nights that Patrick has had to close at work, meaning I have to run before I pick up Isabel. They are very easy going and know that it's important to me, so they don't have a problem letting me run first.
2. I am thankful that my parents started a savings account for me to go to college. It didn't stop me from applying for scholarships through my high school and it didn't stop me from dropping classes. I made stupid choices, but I still went to college and got my AA. I so wish I wouldn't have screwed around and would have gone onto a 4-year college to get a BS and who knows where I would be if I had done that, but then again I'm happy where I am now. The point of this is that my parents were able to help me go to college and I will be grateful to them for that. In doing so I knew that I wanted to be able to help my children go to college as well and even though I probably won't be able to pay for the whole thing like they did I will be able to help and I love that. Isabel has had an account since birth and my step children's accounts were started about a year before Patrick and I got married.
3. I am thankful that I am getting healthy and trying to get my eating habits under control now. I know a lot of people tend to have a specific date or occasion in mind to motivate them to lose weight: summer, a reunion, a wedding, etc. For me it's the holiday's. I want to get into the habit of eating well and listening to my hunger signals now so that when Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas come around I will be able to enjoy myself but not regret any of my food decisions.
4. I am thankful that my husband appreciates me. I am fully aware that I have a lot of improving to do as a person, as a mother and especially as a wife but I am trying. I need to learn patience when it comes to my marriage. I feel as though I have patience for other areas of my life including Isabel and work, but when it comes to him I am quick to get upset. That's not fair to him. We both have improvements to do and we are working on that together. I am just grateful that when I do things to help (like clean the entire apartment while he's at work or make dinner- which if you knew me is HUGE) he is thankful and takes the time to tell me how much he appreciates it.
5. I am thankful that we are planning on having a garage sale. It is difficult to part with some things (like my size 8 jeans) but it's important to clear out the unnecessary stuff that we don't use and don't need. It's going to be really nice to have space for the things we do want and need as well as some extra money that will be used for our house savings and for getting Patrick out of debt (he is so close!). I am also going to be going through Isabel's stuff and getting rid of some of her things because she has a ridiculous amount of stuff. All of the money she makes from her items will go into her college savings account.

Throwback Thursday:
I think it's going to take me a little while to get used to posting pictures of myself from the past. I feel a little weird doing it, but there are not a lot of pictures of myself from the past five years and that's kind of something I regret. So I'm going to put them out there from all phases of the past few years. From my highest weight when I was nine months pregnant and the yo yo weights from then to now. I don't know how many pictures I actually have, but I think it will be good to come to terms with my past in order to accept who I am now.

It's been one hell of a journey and I am ready to see myself, maybe the way others saw me. Again, I don't know how many pictures there are of me since I'm usually the one behind the camera. I'm going to do my best to pick pictures that show my body since this is a weight loss/fitness blog (or at least it's supposed to be).

My photo CDs are in no particular order (an ongoing organizing task I have yet to find time or money to do). Since they are not in any order, the photo's I post weekly will also not be in any particular order. I will do my best to include a year, but most pictures will be from March 2008-present as that is when I started saving my pictures onto discs.

May 2012- Open House at our Wedding Venue

We were invited to come to our wedding venue to taste food and to see the location all done up. I was in the process of losing weight for the wedding and from the pictures I think I look great. Of course at that time I was still too big.

That was a fun evening. Both of our mom's came with us as well as my best friend. It was there that I realized they stole my idea to do s'mores for dessert (our wedding favor) and I attempted to get something for free but failed. We were the first couple to have a fire pit and roast marshmallows for s'mores at the venue. What can I say? I'm full of great ideas and I truly believe I threw a great wedding.

A Letter to my Daughter

Dear Bug,

I have so many hopes and dreams for you for your future. I hope that you are happy. I hope that you find love. I hope that you have friends that treat you well. I hope you can pursue your passions. I hope that you have enough in life to keep you happy but not so much that you don't appreciate it. I hope that you are a hard and smart worker. I hope you are kind to others. I hope that you bring happiness to others.

There is something else I wish for you... I wish that you are happy with your body. I wish that you don't grow up with the negative feelings about your body the way I do about mine.

I grew up thinking that my mom was confident with herself and her body. To be honest, when I was your age I didn't know the difference between skinny or fat. People were the way they were and it didn't really matter. I'm sure I noticed the differences, but it wasn't something I spent that much time thinking about.

As I got older I quickly realized that my mom was extremely negative about her body. She was concerned about the way it looked and was constantly trying to cover herself up. Too self conscious to put on a bathing suit, our summers were rarely spent by the pool or at the beach and when we did go to those places she rarely enjoyed herself.

I noticed those things. And I hated it. I hated hearing her speak so negatively about someone I loved so much. I hated trying to tell her that she was beautiful, that she was not fat, that no one else saw the things she saw.

I don't know how it happened or exactly when it happened but there came a point in time that I began to notice my body. I think it was around high school. I thought that I wasn't enough. I wasn't smart enough, or cool enough, or athletic enough, or skinny enough. I'm not sure who I was comparing myself to or who I wasn't enough for, but those thoughts took over so many other more important thoughts (like math, or english).

After those thoughts entered my mind it became extremely difficult to get them out and it continues to be a daily struggle.

Even when I was at my lowest weight I wasn't happy with my body. Most likely because it was more of an internal issue more so than an external one. And then my body changed drastically when I was pregnant with you.

It's taken me over 5 years to actually appreciate what my body had to do in order to have you. I am well aware that the amount of weigh I gained while pregnant was not necessary and was because of no self control rather than of need for you, but my body did change and I have to learn to look at those changes as a positive thing. I have stretch marks because my stomach had to grow in order for you to fit in there. My stomach had to be cut open in order for you to come into this world and it will never look the same, but it had to be that way.

After you were born I vowed that I would not do what my mom did. I vowed that I would be confident and I would never speak negatively about myself in front of you.

My goodness, how I have failed.

It is because of me that you know what a scale is. It is because of me that you stand on that scale when you come into my bathroom. It is because of me that you are aware that the scale can cause me to feel so many awful emotions. It is because of me that you may one day grow up to think these awful things about yourself that I think about myself. And I hate that.

I wanted to lose the baby weight and be healthy. I wanted to learn healthy eating and exercise habits so that I could teach them to you and so you would just grow up with them. It wouldn't be a question, it would just be that way. But I have not learned how to live that way yet. I'm still stumbling around trying to find how to be happy the way I am while still trying to improve myself. And I'm still trying to get those awful voices to shut up.

I do not want this for you. I know that society will more than likely screw up your views of yourself enough, so there is no need for me to do it for you as well.

I'm getting rid of the scale because neither of us need to be concerned with that number. All we need is to be conscious of what we eat and continue to be active.

I'm also vowing to end the negative self talk. I'm sure the internal conversations I have with myself will be more difficult to end, but I can control what comes out of my mouth and that is what I can promise. I can promise to be more positive about what I say about food, exercise and myself.

I don't know if it's too late to change this awful pattern. I don't know if the things I've said have stuck with you. I truly hope not.

I hope that by this change you will grow up to know certain things. Like being beautiful on the inside is more important than being beautiful on the outside, and that you are worth so much more than any number on a scale.

I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense. I hope that you are able to take away from it what my intentions were for writing it. That I love you, no matter what. And that I love me too, no matter what. Love yourself, no matter what. You are beautiful just the way you are.

I love you to the moon and back because you are my sunshine. You are my caterpillar and one day you will be my butterfly.

Love,
Mom

It's Official!

I have once and for all decided that I am getting rid of the scale. If I had to pinpoint one part of my weight loss journey that has given me the most emotional and mental anguish it would be that piece of equipment. And so it is time for me to part ways.

I feel as though I can be having a great week. I can eat well and exercise as planned. I can feel great going into Saturday morning and then I step on the scale and it's like nothing positive happened the week before. The workouts don't matter and the eating well and tracking mean nothing if that scale doesn't show progress.

Well that's just not right. Like, at all.

Just because the scale doesn't move doesn't mean that I'm not making progress. And a number on a scale should not dictate how my week went or my mood for the next day or two.

This negative body thing I have going on is not healthy for me mentally or physically and although I am in therapy I feel like I am making very little progress. It's frustrating and irritating and I am so over it.

So I decided that I need to get rid of the one thing that makes it worse.

The mental mind game that comes along with weighing in is too much for me to handle. When I lose I am happy the rest of the day. When I gain I go through a wave of emotions and it includes a lot of verbal abuse towards myself. I feel worthless and pathetic.

I know that I have attempted to stay off of the scale before and have not succeeded in doing so. This time I will actually be removing the scale from our home in order to keep it out of sight and out of mind.

Without knowing my weight I will not be able to track my BMI or my Body Fat %. I think that the less numbers I have to worry about the better. I really just want to be able to focus on my training and my measurements. I want to be physically fit and that may mean that I weigh over an "ideal" weight for my height.

I'm going to track my progress using measurements and taking progress pictures monthly and of course being able to see a change in my endurance fitness-wise. This is so much more important to me and I know that 6 out of 7 days a week. It's just that one day that I weigh in that everything else goes away and I am weighed down by a number that may or may not reflect the work I put into it that week.

The scale can be affected by so many things that it's actually a pretty silly way to track progress. It can fluctuate so much by something as small as sodium. I'm still stumbling around trying to find my way with eating and exercise and how many calories to eat back. It will take a lot of stress off of finding this balance if I can do it without worrying about that number.

And I've already seen proof from others and now myself that the number on the scale doesn't necessarily mean that your body is not changing. I took progress pictures after a 2 and a half month time period. My first picture I weight 181.8 and my second picture, 2 and a half months later I weigh 189. I weigh more, but my measurements are down and I look better (at least in my opinion...) This is huge to me and a much better way of looking at it then by weighing in.

Another part of that is when I look back at my pictures from last year after doing 30 day shred. I think I looked pretty good and yet I was still obsessed with a number that the scale said. I think this go around I don't want to know that number and just base things off of how I feel I look. I could be really happy with my body but not be a certain weight I think I should be at. That weight should be left up to my body to decide after giving it proper exercise and nutrition.

I'm actually pretty excited about this. Without it being in the apartment I won't be tempted to peek. This is going to be a positive thing. I can tell already.

Looking Good, Feeling Great!

Yesterday started day one week two of my training and what a start to the week!

Patrick and I both had to be at work early, so my run and the gym were both scheduled for the evening. I got in my two walks on my breaks at work and was ready to go for my run after work and before Isabel's swim lesson.

The nice thing about running before her swim lesson is that it's in a new area from my normal running courses so it makes things exciting. Yesterday's run was a little more difficult due to the warmer weather and the course I picked which included hills ("I love hills, I love hills, I love hills..."). My goal was to go for at least 30 minutes and for a minimum distance of 2.5 miles. I ended up making it just slightly over 3 miles in 38 minutes. My mile times are staying pretty consistent and under 12:30 minute miles which is pretty good for me, and although I would like to eventually get faster I am happy with this time considering a couple months ago I could barely break the 14 minute mile.

After swim I went straight to the gym for my hour scheduled workout. I decided instead of setting specific times for the elliptical and bike I would just go and see how I feel. Since I'm working on distance I feel like I may need to spend more time on the elliptical in order to reach my weekly and monthly goals whereas I can hit my bike goals pretty quickly.

I felt like my workout was great and I was wiping off sweat from my face and arms pretty much every couple minutes or so. I know that I looked like crap and I was damn proud of that.

I left feeling like I had worked hard and earned the calories I burned in that hour and ten minutes (833 to be exact). I left smiling because I know that I am making some progress on my training and it feels great to see that improvement.
At this point in time I am happy to say that I am learning to be patient with the results. It's a day to day struggle for me. I can look in the mirror one day and hate the way my body looks and wonder why I'm not seeing a difference yet and then I can be sitting here typing about a workout and know that I've only been doing this for a week and that it takes time to see results.

I know that if I stick with it then I will see my body change. Not just on the outside, but I know that my endurance will improve and that I will be capable of doing anything. It gives me more hope to track this progress more so than it does to track my weight. I'm contemplating making a huge change in that department soon and will be updating in the near future.

30 Day Shred

Last year, around this time, I set my mind to complete the complete 30 days of 30 Day Shred.

It was a personal challenge to do it and the timing was perfect because I was trying to lose some inches for my wedding.

I updated daily after each workout and I do believe the results spoke for themselves...


Before                                                                                         After



Original Measurements:
Bust- 38
Waist- 33.5
Hips- 42.5
Arm (left)- 12
Thigh (left)- 24.5

Final Measurements:
Bust- 37.25 (-0.75)
Waist- 31 (-2.5)
Hips- 40 (-2.5)
Arm (left)- 11.5 (-0.5)
Thigh (left)- 23 (-1.5)

That's a total of 7.75 inches lost overall.

I was thrilled with the results. Yet I was still missing something when I looked in the mirror. I didn't see what I wanted to see. The problem was, I couldn't see what was really there because I still saw someone who was bigger, someone who wasn't pretty, someone who wasn't enough.

Fast forward one year and this is my before and my progress picture...

Before                                                                                           After

And these are my current measurements...

Current Measurements:
Bust- 40.5 (+3.25")
Waist- 35 (+4")
Hips- 44.5 (+4.5")
Arm (left)- 12.75 (+1.25")
Thigh (left)- 26.75 (+3.75")

That's a total of 16.75 inches gained overall.

That's not good.

That's not good at all.

I am hoping that with the training that I've already started and will continue to do (running, biking, elliptical, walking, etc) that I can make this a habit that sticks. I'm not doing this for a special occasion (other than to make running easier on my body and especially my knees) so I don't think I will fall off like a crazy married woman who has never eaten food before in her life like I've been doing for the past 10 months.

I would like to do Ripped in 30 five days a week for four weeks at some point, but right now that's not realistic to fit into my schedule. I know that I am on the right track, but I do think that I need to make some drastic changes because two days of strength training a week is not going to help me shed the inches off the way it did last year.

Looking back at my "after" pictures makes me feel two things. When I first saw it my initial reaction was sadness. Sadness in the fact that I'm not there and sadness in the fact that I thought that wasn't good enough because it was. Looking at it I think I look great and I want to get back there.

The second thing I felt was hopeful. Hopeful that I can do this and get back there. Motivated to keep going no matter what happens during the week. I can gain and still stay focused and dedicated. I can skip a workout and get right back to it the next day. I can eat a meal that may not be the healthiest choice and I can track it and eat healthier the rest of the day. These are all choices.

I've made a lot of choices in my life. I mean, every day brings choices.

Today I am choosing my health. I am choosing my fitness. I am choosing to make better, healthier choices so that I can lose the extra weight and run faster and farther and prevent injury. I am choosing to get back into shape. I am choosing to get back to that after picture and then choosing to improve even more from there. I am choosing success!

I am worth this. I am worth the time, the energy, the sweat, the tears. I am worth spending a few hours a week away from my family in order to work on my health. I am worth spending a little more money on healthier food choices. I am worth it!

Not Enough

Food that is.

I've upped my workout routine and, according to my heart rate monitor, I am burning between 1500-2000 calories a day with exercise.

This means that I am supposed to be eating an extra 1500-2000 calories on top of the 1200 calories allotted a day. This seems like it's too much food for a day and I do have concerns about it.

I do not understand calories. I do not understand how one article says to burn more than you eat and another says to eat more to weigh less and that you should be eating those calories back. What I do understand is that when I'm hungry I want to eat and when I work out the way I have been then my appetite increases. I should be (and am trying to) eat back some of those calories the proper way (protein, fruits, veggies, complex carbs, etc) and I know that my body needs that fuel because it is working hard to keep up with my workout routine.

But... I get confused and I don't know what's the right way for me to go. This is where having a nutritionist or personal trainer who helps with nutrition would come in handy.

My first concern is that my heart rate monitor is not working correctly. I have taken my heart rate the old fashioned way a few times now and have compared it to my HRM watch. Every single time it has either said the same number or been 1-2 beats off. I can honestly say that when I go to the gym and spend 30 minutes on the bike or elliptical I am giving it my all. I am not, as Jillian Michaels would say, "phoning it in at the gym".

I'm not burning all of these calories at one time either. Tuesday, for example, looked like this:

4:45am- wake up
5am- quick snack and water
530am- gym (35 min bike, 30 min elliptical)- calories burned 784
7am- work (ate a banana and drank a cup of coffee)
9am- breakfast
10am- 1.37 mile walk (half uphill)- calories burned 215
1030am- snack
1130am- 2.10 mile walk (half uphill)- calories burned 333
1245pm- lunch
430pm- left work
5pm- 35 minute interval run- calories burned 479
615pm- dinner

I finished the day with eating 2200 calories and burning 1792 and I had 792 calories left over. I know that I could have picked better choices (dinner was out at Smashburger where I got a grilled chicken sandwich (yes with cheese!) and sweet potato fries (but I did not eat them all)), but when I got home I just was not hungry.

I am going to try to focus on the good healthy guidelines set by Weight Watchers- fruits & veggies, dairy, multivitamin, whole wheat, protein, healthy oils, etc. I think this will make up for some of those extra calories that I'm not eating, but I know I'm not going to be perfect every day.

I think that as long as I do one thing for the next 2-4 weeks (using the HRM for every workout, tracking, eating as many calories as I am hungry for and not forcing it) then it will be enough time to see if it's working or not. I know that my weight loss may stall for a while due to the intensity of the workouts and I am ready for that.

Right now I keep telling myself (and am believing) that I would much rather have a toned body with less body fat then see the scale get down to 150 (or whatever number in the healthy weight range it stops at). I know that if I continue to make these healthy lifestyle changes then my body is going to follow and I will slim down and have the body I'm working for.

The number on the scale is just one way to measure success. I passed up dessert last night at my in-laws... Success! I have been drinking 10+ glasses of water every day for the past two days... Success! I have tracked every bite, lick and taste for two days... Success! I have not binged for the past two days... Success! I have followed my workout schedule for the past two days... Success!

I need to stop the voices in my head that are confused about the calories in/calories out and just start listening to my body. I mean, if I'm working out, eating well (and to satisfaction) then everything else will fall into place.

This is not a sprint! My body may not see the results in the amount of time I wish. This is a marathon and it's going to take a while to get to that finish line. But I would be lying if I said that it isn't worth every painful step along the way to cross that finish line..

My Beloved Interval Timer- Running Recap

Prior to the beginning of this week I had not been running consistently. Shocker, right?

I mean, I haven't really had a good track record with sticking to something, especially a goal that puts me first. So it was only a matter of time before I stopped something completely. I just didn't think it would be running..

I am the queen of excuses and would use as many as possible to convince others and especially myself to not go for a scheduled run. But I feel committed right now to my training schedule and my weekly workouts and that means running rain or shine, outside or on a treadmill, interval timer or naked.

Tuesday was my first run on my current weekly workout schedule. An easy 30-45 minute run around my parents neighborhood and down to the pool where Isabel has her swim lessons. An easy 2ish mile run. A piece of cake.

Except that my interval timer, my convenient little Gymboss timer that beeped at me when it was time to run and again when it was time to walk went missing in action. This would have been the perfect time for me to make an excuse. No interval timer = no run, right? Right?!?

Not this time. Nope. Not when I have a goal in mind.

Instead I ordered a new one yesterday and decided that I would just count my steps for intervals for my scheduled runs until it came in the mail. Every time my left foot hit the ground I would count and I would do so for 100 steps. Then I would walk for 100 steps and repeat for the entire run. Some what annoying, especially going uphill when my mind was going a few different places and I kept recounting the same step (thankfully it was during a run interval so I don't feel like I missed out on my workout), but it worked and I ended up being able to run more than my normal interval time.

The new interval timer I bought myself to replace my plain black one that I've had for two years.

My run was 32:14 and a total distance of 2.54 miles. Not my best time, definitely not my worst. And I surprisingly was able to handle the intervals just fine. This was exciting for me because I've been very comfortable at 45:1 since my running started.

Mile 1- 12:41
Mile 2- 12:34
Mile 0.54-6:58

I averaged 4.7 mph (thanks to my long legs and my ability to walk at a consistent 3.5-4 mph pace) and my top speed hit was 6.6 mph (most likely while going downhill).

Not too shabby getting back into it..

Wednesday was my second scheduled run and it was a little different than Tuesday's because I ended up finding my interval timer (clipped to my hydration belt of all places- and the last place I thought to check). I decided to change things up and instead of running 45 seconds and walking 1 minute I switched it to running 1 minute and walking 45 seconds.

The run felt slower than Tuesday's run and I was sure that I was going to be running 13-14 minute miles. I kind of let go and just let my body find it's pace while still pushing a little. To my pleasant surprise, I ran both miles less than Tuesday's fastest mile. This course was relatively flat the entire time with maybe a very slight incline for the first half and a very slight decline for the second half.

It felt good to be out running too, not forced. I was a little concerned that I would be taking on too much the first week of training, but I have been able to stick with the schedule fairly well and I know that it will soon become a habit. I plan on switching things up every once in a while to keep my body guessing and to keep it interesting, but at least I know what I am capable of without going too crazy.

Wednesday's run was 31:22 and a total distance of 2.49 miles.

Mile 1- 12:26
Mile 2- 12:20
Mile 0.46- 6.36

I averaged 4.8 mph and my top speed hit was 7.3 mph.

My long run was scheduled for this morning. I decided last night that I would allow myself to get up when my body was ready and I would go for my run then. But even though I had the best intentions to go to bed early in order to be up early I knew my morning run was doomed as I watched the clock tick past 10 and then 11 pm.

I was still up fairly early, but was exhausted. I had about an hour long internal debate with myself about whether or not I should go. The voice telling me to just go and get it over with was louder then the one telling me I could wait until this evening, but somehow the lazy side took over and I laid in bed.

The motivation this morning was also cut short when I weighed in this morning. It should have pushed me to go, but instead it did the opposite and I ended up over eating and not tracking today.

That weigh in also put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day and I really just wanted to push off my run until tomorrow. I knew that wasn't a good idea but I was mad about my weigh in, mad about my attitude, mad about over eating, mad about not just going for my run this morning, mad about so many things. Patrick kept pushing me to go (which was irritating me even more) and I finally got to the point where I got frustrated enough to just go.

What a run!

My long Saturday run is supposed to be at a speed 1-2 minutes slower than my weekday and race day pace. This is to try to prevent injury and to maintain stamina on a long distance run. I went out with the best intentions to go nice and slow with 13-14 minute miles. I changed my watch to run 45:45 intervals just to test it out and to hopefully go slower than Wednesday since I would be running less.

Maybe I need to go for a run when I'm pissed off more often...

Today's long training run was 37:40 and a total distance of 3.10 miles.

Mile 1- 12:20
Mile 2- 12:11
Mile 3- 11:32
Mile 0.1- 1:35

I averaged 4.9 mph and my top speed hit was 7.3 mph.

I'm happy with the improvements of my mile times, not just in this week but since starting back running in May, but at the same time I really need to reign it in on my long distance training run. I am hoping that once my niece starts running with me to train for the 5K in September it will help me to slow down a little.

I think I am going to try to make my weekday runs just a little farther in distance, but we'll see what the week brings. My next training run will be 4 miles next Saturday. Since I'm training for a shorter distance race in September I don't need to increase the mileage too much yet. I am looking forward to getting back into the double digit miles, but that won't be for a month or two.

Mental Preparation

Tomorrow is weigh in and I already know I'm going to see a gain.

I know this because I peeked at the scale this morning and it showed that I was up 2 pounds. A lot can change between this morning and tomorrow morning, so I'm doing my best to hope for the best but expect the worst.

This week was difficult for me mentally. I'm working out more which means I should be eating more. This is confusing to me and I'm going to be talking more about it later.

I know that it is expected to see your weight maintain and even gain when you start working out, but that doesn't stop the other half of my brain from talking negatively.

So today I have been and will continue to say the following things to myself:

"You did your best this week"- because in all honesty, I did. I worked out a lot and I made the best choices that I could. Next week I can only strive to be better than this week.

"It's one week"- in the grand scheme of things this one weigh in (or the next three) are not going to matter a year from now. I am making positive changes for my body and if the results don't happen right away it shouldn't be a reason to stop those positive changes.

"4 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks"- I've seen this pin on pinterest before and was reminded of it last night on facebook. It takes 4 weeks for you to notice changes in your body, 8 weeks for your family to notice and 12 weeks for everyone else to notice. I've been at this for 1 week. I cannot expect to see a difference yet or anytime in the near future.

"The scale is not the only measurement of success"- I took my measurements yesterday and I have lost inches in every single area. The overall number on the scale is also down. And I have been consistent with my workouts and have tracked my mileage. That's a lot of miles overall.

I am going to hope that saying these things today will help keep me from being upset tomorrow. I can pretty much guarantee that there will be some disappointment, but if I am able to just allow this to be one week, one weigh in on this life long journey then it really won't matter.

And it will make the losses that are bound to happen that much more appreciated.

Confessions of a Running Mom

Everything in my life changed the day I found out that I was going to be a mom. Everything.

My life as a twenty-one year old went from going out almost every night with friends to figuring out how I was going to be able to afford a child. From bottles of alcohol to bottles of milk. From being selfish and spoiled to caring about nothing else but this small human being that I helped create.

Nothing else mattered. Especially not my needs. And since I had very little help from Isabel's father I didn't really have a choice.

I don't say that for pity, I say it because I chose for it to be that way. I didn't ask for help because I could handle it all. It was just the way it was. I accepted it.

So it took me a while to understand that I need to take care of me too. To do things that I enjoy too. To take a break every once in a while.

Losing weight and getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight was important to me, but not as important as other things. Like Isabel. And sleep. I didn't workout like crazy. I didn't focus on eating well. I lost some weight, but not much. It wasn't until I became a single mom that I put more of an effort towards my body. I mean, that was an obvious reason as to why he left, especially because he told me as much. If I couldn't keep the father of my child who saw me at my very worst, how could I attract anyone with the body I had.

So I became obsessed and lost the weight and then some. I still wasn't happy with my body because pregnancy and c-sections do crazy things, but I was at least at an "ideal" weight and an "ideal" size.

Running came into my life on my 25th birthday. Well, it was a small part of my life before then, but I crossed my first finish line on that day and I have not looked back since. But it hasn't always been easy.

Confessions of a Running Mom is going to be my place to write down some of the things I think about while I'm out on a run. A place to talk about the guilt I feel when I choose to go for a run or to the gym instead of going straight home after work. The feeling I get when I leave for a workout and she has to say goodbye three times before I leave and run into my arms when I get home after an hour like I've been gone for a year.

I have been very lucky with the support I've received from family members, especially my parents and my husband. But emotionally it hasn't always been easy and I have fallen victim to the guilt more than a few times and have skipped a run in order to stay home with her.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who have more responsibilities than I do who are able to do a lot more than I am, but I know that having a place to write down these thoughts and feelings will be beneficial for me. I am only human and can only do so much in a day, but I have to make myself a priority as well as my children and family. There is no argument that when I am working out and eating healthy then I am a happier person all around. And what husband and child doesn't want a happy wife and mom?

My Current Top Ten Future Health Goals

1. Get down to a weight that is within my healthy weight range.

2. Maintain a healthy weight.

3. Get down to a healthy BMI.

4. Get down to a healthy body fat percentage.

5. Limit sweets to once a week to make them a treat.

6. Limit alcohol to once a week to make it a treat.

7. Consistently drink 6 or more glasses of water a day.

8. Track. Everything. Everyday.

9. Stay off of the scale except for on weigh in day.

10. Take pride in my body the way it is and for the things it has allowed me to do.

Thursday Thoughts

Thankful Thursday:

Five things I am thankful for about myself
1. I am thankful that I have been able to walk and/or run over 120 miles in the past two months.
2. I am thankful that I refuse to give up. I may constantly be starting over, but I am constantly pushing myself to make it work instead of getting so frustrated that I just quit.
3. I am thankful that I am committed to completing my Coast-to-Coast goal in 2015. I know I was meant to do something like this because I can't stop smiling when I tell people about it.
4. I am thankful that I have found a gym that I am able to afford and that I enjoy going to.
5. I am thankful that I have found a new cardio workout that I enjoy, the stationary bike. It is a great cross training workout and I enjoy it so it doesn't feel like work.

Five things I am thankful for in life
1. I am thankful that I have a best friend that pushes me to go for at least one walk in the morning to break up the work day. We are able to push each other on the days that we just do not have the desire to go. She is someone who will hold me accountable and I appreciate that so much.
2. I am thankful that I have a husband who will compliment me. I may not always believe him (which in turn makes him say sweet things less often to avoid an argument), but the compliments are appreciated.
3. I am thankful that Patrick and I both have jobs that we enjoy and are doing well in. We were both recently promoted which is helping a lot financially.
4. I am thankful that Patrick and I are on the same page in regards to our budget. We are starting with our new budget tomorrow (payday) and we both feel good about what we have set as our goals. It's only a matter of time before we feel comfortable enough to buy our first (and hopefully only) house.
5. I am thankful that I have parents who are involved in Isabel's life. Growing up we were never really close to much of our extended family other than our grandparents. My mother would always say "Thank goodness we get to choose our friends.."

I never wanted that for my children. I wanted a close family. I wanted Isabel to spend time with her aunt (my sister) and uncle (brother in law) and cousin (niece). I wanted to be close with my parents so that Isabel would have a good relationship with her grandparents. I have that.. I consider my mom to be one of my best friends. My relationship is constantly evolving with my dad. I do wish I was a little closer with my sister, but I feel like we have a really close family over all (you have to in order to spend 9 days together on a family vacation with very little stress).

Without my parents I would have never been able to fight as hard as I did for custody of Isabel, or had the courage to put myself out there again. I cannot begin the thank them enough for everything they do for Patrick and I almost on a daily basis by watching Isabel while we are at work. Since Patrick's job is not 9-5 Monday through Friday they have to be flexible and it amazes me how lucky we are to have them in our lives.

Throwback Thursday:
I think it's going to take me a little while to get used to posting pictures of myself from the past. I feel a little weird doing it, but there are not a lot of pictures of myself from the past five years and that's kind of something I regret. So I'm going to put them out there from all phases of the past few years. From my highest weight when I was nine months pregnant and the yo yo weights from then to now. I don't know how many pictures I actually have, but I think it will be good to come to terms with my past in order to accept who I am now.

It's been one hell of a journey and I am ready to see myself, maybe the way others saw me. Again, I don't know how many pictures there are of me since I'm usually the one behind the camera. I'm going to do my best to pick pictures that show my body since this is a weight loss/fitness blog (or at least it's supposed to be).

My photo CDs are in no particular order (an ongoing organizing task I have yet to find time or money to do). Since they are not in any order, the photo's I post weekly will also not be in any particular order. I will do my best to include a year, but most pictures will be from March 2008-present as that is when I started saving my pictures onto discs.

 

 

These pictures were taken at Isabel's first birthday party in March of 2009. It took me almost two years to get back down to my pre pregnancy weight. I was not happy with my body here and I was not happy with other things that were happening that day (most of those things dealt with my ex and his father). I can honestly say that I did my best to let go of the negativity that day and made it all about Isabel. It ended up being a great day for her and I will be forever thankful to my friend Josh for taking pictures.

 

Confession

Confession time. And I hate admitting this. But... I am not trying to lose weight, be healthy or get in shape for me. I am doing this because four and a half years ago my fiance and the father of my child left me after years of mental, physical, emotional and financial abuse. It has taken me this long to realize that more than likely he was the one who led me down this path of very self destructive abuse to my body and mind. I was not good enough for him, therefore I am not good enough for anyone. He cheated on me, therefore I am not worth someone staying loyal to me. I could not keep him, therefore I am not attractive enough.

Those are just a few of the insane things I have said to myself repeatedly. It's like the same song playing over and over and over again.

"You're fat. You're ugly. You are not pretty. No one loves you. You are not worth it. You are a piece of shit. You are a horrible mother. You will be cheated on again. Why do you even try to lose weight, it's not going to happen. Why are you bothering to work out, no one thinks it's making a difference. Your husband is going to cheat on you if he's not already. As soon as you start to trust someone, they will hurt you. It doesn't matter what race you run, it will never be good enough."

That's not even the worst of it...

Back to my point. I think I realized that as crazy as it sounds (because I don't really care what he thinks), I want to lose this weight so that I can say that I am good enough and that he made a mistake leaving. One of those vain "Look what you're missing out on" type of feelings. That's 1. not healthy and 2. absoutely ridiculous. I do not need to care what he thinks and I hope that I never have to see him again in my lifetime. So it's pointless to do this for him or anyone else.

The only way I am going to find success is if I set myself up for success and if I do this for me. I want to lose weight because I want to be happy and so that I can spend more time with my children. I want to lose weight so that I can reach my fitness goals. I want to physically be in the best shape of my life so that I can reach all of my running goals. I am going to find success because I am committed to making the necessary changes to make myself happier and healthier.

It's not a sure thing, but I really think that it's a step in the right direction to admit that this is a problem. And it is a problem even if it doesn't make any sense as to why I feel that way. I am learning and I am growing as a person and the sooner I realize these things the better. ---

Eating Healthy for Training Purposes

I have been told that losing weight is 80% eating healthy and 20% working out. I think I have the working out part down, at least I enjoy doing it more than I do eating healthy. But the problem is, working out will only bring me so far.

Weight loss is important to me, but I think that it is important for all of the wrong reasons.

I was listening to a Jillian Michael's podcast yesterday while at work and something hit me, and it hit me hard. She was talking to a girl who had lost 117 pounds and was trying to get off the last 30 or so pounds. After talking to her for a while, they got to the heart of the matter. She kept sabotaging herself and would get stuck at certain points along her journey. It finally came out that she was losing weight for someone else, her father. He had passed away over ten years prior, yet she was still trying to get his approval of her.

I feel odd admitting this, but I think that I am trying to lose weight for someone else as well. No, not Patrick. Not even my children.

For some reason, if I really think about it (and believe me, I do not want to be thinking about it), I am trying to lose weight for my ex. I think it's half for approval and half for vain reasons. No, I do not want him back. No, his opinion really does not matter to me. No, I do not plan on seeing him anytime soon if ever (I'm hoping for never). But our relationship really messed me up in more ways than one and I think I pushed it so far down that I am sometimes caught off guard by these feelings.

I am never going to find success in any weight loss journey if I do it for someone else. That is just setting myself up for failure. He didn't love me or treat me with respect when I was at my lowest weight, when I had confidence in myself and how I looked. He didn't love me or treat me with respect when I was at my highest adult weight and carrying his child. He didn't support me when I tried to lose that weight. He didn't support me in raising our child. And when he left he chose to beat me when I was down. He made excuses that broke my spirit and any self confidence I had in myself vanished and has not been seen since.

So I have yo-yo'd with me weight for over 6 years. Each time trying to lose weight to look better for someone else, never for myself.

I came to a realization tonight..

I think I am putting too much emphasis on eating healthy for weight loss. The scale is not budging (and has been going up) and it has just been frustrating me beyond belief.

I have low self esteem as it is. Obviously.

I'm just starting to weigh in monthly to prevent the mood swings brought on by weighing myself. Today I came to the realization that I need to stop trying to eat healthy for weight loss. Instead I need to eat healthy for training.

I think if I focus on training and working out, to the point of dedication (to certain family members obsession) then I have goals I can more easily obtain. I need some successes. If I focused then the weight loss and everything else should fall into place.

I may not praise myself enough, but I have more confidence in myself when I reach certain physical goals (completing my first marathon, PRing my half marathon time, PRing my full marathon time, attempting Dopey). If I switch my goals from eating healthier foods (with the occasional treat) for weight loss to eating healthier foods to fuel my body to make it through intense training runs, long gym days and other measurable fitness goals then maybe (no promises!) I will finally see some success in the weight loss department.

Yes, I realize that this does mean that I will be trying to lose weight, but the focus will be on fueling my body. You can't fuel your body with Swedish fish, Jelly Bellies and ice cream, even if it does fit into your calorie goal for the day.

Who knows, but I think switching gears may be what pushes me to that next level of success.

Starting Over.. Again

I decided to weigh myself this morning in order to know where I am. I was going to wait the whole month like I had originally planned on, but decided that I wanted to know what my new starting weight is.

Yes, I'm starting over. Again.

I cannot begin to explain my frustrations with my lack of self control and the amount of times that I have started and restarted, only to give up a day or two later. I want success so much and yet I self sabotage myself so early on that it seems almost pointless at this point.

But as of this morning I am over 25 pounds higher than I was 9 months ago at my wedding.

 

I mistakenly thought I looked fat. I was self conscious about how my dress was going to fit. I thought that people would notice my imperfections. How self centered am I?

 

I read a great blog post last night about this exact thing. I was getting caught up on a bunch of the blogs I frequent, but the post from Freak Out In Color was the one that stuck with me the most. I also feel judged when I'm pretty sure that no one even notices me. No one cares about me or how I look as much as I do, so why can I not just let go and allow myself to have fun in the moment and not care what other people think?

 

 

I didn't want to take my shirt or my shorts off at the beach. But then my sister said something to me... "When are you ever going to see these people again?" And she's right. It didn't necessarily give me all the confidence in the world, but it helped. Then I looked around. And I saw people of all heights and weights and body types and I thought to myself, "I'm not judging them, so why do I think they are going to start judging me?" And in all honesty, even if they do judge me I'll probably never know. It's not like people will come up to me and tell me to my face that they think I shouldn't be wearing a bikini.

 

So I wore the bikini. And I was self conscious. But I let go as much as I could and I had fun. And no one said anything and I survived. And I even allowed the momentous event to be captured on film...

 

But it all does not change the fact that my weight is up since that wonderful day 9 months ago and it does not change the fact that I want to be comfortable in my body again.

 

I am committing myself to a 3 month challenge starting today. I know, I know... What's different this time that I am actually going to stick with this challenge and not give up in a day or two? Nothing is different. But if I don't keep trying then nothing will ever change. I have to keep starting over because at some point it will stick and things will start to change.

 





Starting weight: 188.8

Starting measurements:
Hips- 45"
Waist- 35.5"
Bust- 41"
Arm (L)- 13"
Thigh (L)- 27"

Goals:
- Weigh in monthly
- Weight less in 3 months than I do today
- Stick with my planned workout schedule as much as possible
- Eat healthy
- Track everything that I eat and drink
- Follow the good healthy guidelines as set forth by Weight Watchers
- Start planned challenges and stick with them (I did not finish the squat challenge and will be adding it to the end after push ups)

I have to stop self sabotaging and I have to start believing in myself. If I don't believe in me then I can't expect anyone else to either. It's time to do this for me..

Thursday June 27th

The Good- I had therapy tonight and was able to talk some more about my negative thoughts about my body and my self sabotage with my eating habits. It seems to make so much sense when she and I talk and I feel so stupid sometimes because it all sounds so silly when I'm talking about it. But then she leaves and my mind starts spinning with negativity and I don't know how to make it stop. It's ridiculous that I can't be happy that I went to the gym last night for 50 minutes, instead I tear myself down for only going for 50 minutes. I can't get in check with my eating because I am so focused on not seeing the results that I throw in the towel and figure that I'm still making progress with working out, so what's the point of the rest of it. I know that with continuing therapy and discussing these thoughts I will make progress with the mental part of it too, which is sometimes more difficult to deal with than the physical.

The Bad- I did not get out of bed to go to the gym this morning like I had planned. I couldn't fall asleep until after 11 last night and then woke up a few times in the middle of the night. I was not well rested and chose to listen to my body instead of push myself to go.

The Positive- My therapist advised I start two journals tonight and go for as long as I can. The first will be a notebook with a positive a day about myself. The second is a notebook with a reason a day why I love Isabel. I decided to have Patrick include one in each notebook and Isabel as well. Isabel's will be given to her when she gets a little older, possibly when she starts going through changes with her body and needs to see reasons why she's lovable. Being a girl sucks and those changes can be difficult to get through.

The Workout- 
50 squats
 
Thoughts for the Day

* When you don't fall asleep until after 11pm and then wake up multiple times throughout the night you are very unlikely to get up with your alarm and make it to the gym in the morning. Meaning that there are two options- 1. take more rest days or 2. get more sleep. Doing both would probably be the best choice.

* It is very interesting watching Isabel play sports. She is very book smart and she definitely tries her hardest, but she lacks coordination.

* I have started reading yet another book and am now in the middle of three. This one is called Running On Faith by Jason Lester and has been really good so far. My favorite part is this:

"When you make extreme-distance sports your life, it's like you have this angel sitting on your shoulder, constantly whispering, "Do something inconceivable. Set the bar higher. Take up a new challenge." Most days, you're too busy to listen, but when things quiet down you start asking yourself questions. Could I improve my split? Could I set a new personal record? Could I keep going past the point where in the past I've quit? It's about inner growth and improving discipline and mental focus. After all, the only person you ever really meet out on the course is yourself. You are your own ultimate competition; at the end of the day, you're the one you have to answer to."

* In order to not kill your plants on the patio you have spent time and money to make more "homey", you must water them or make sure your husband continues to water them. They will die if they sit out in the heat and don't get watered for days at a time.

* I'm going to miss my husband. We have not spent more than one night apart since being married and I am not looking forward to the next 4 nights without him.

* I bought a 16 pack of batteries and have 2 empty 2GB SD cards ready for our 9 day vacation. I am worried that this will not be enough. I intend to take some very artistic photos this vacation (which to me includes a lot of close ups of flowers and animals and interesting buildings, etc). There may be a trip to CVS to buy some more memory.

* Planning on taking that many pictures is ridiculous.

* I am having a really difficult time putting in the work and not seeing the results and am going to use this vacation as a way to stop thinking about what's working and what's not. We are coming back home on a Saturday and I intend on making that Sunday my day to sit down and figure it all out before starting back up with MFP that Monday. I need to remember that my body is not going to change over night and that the work I am doing is a good thing and will show eventually.

* I got an email from my new gym about a free two session meeting with a trainer. I need to look into that when I get back. Hopefully I can talk to someone about nutrition (my biggest struggle right now) and maybe make a good plan on what machines to use and for how long.

Putting the Scale Away

I had a productive therapy session last week. I talked to her about my irrational mood changes after standing on the scale and my frustrations with my body.

I decided to take her advice and put the scale away. To hide it and only weigh in once a month along with taking measurements. She suggested this tactic so that if I do gain at least there could be a difference in my measurements so that I can see some form of progress. 

I am putting too much emphasis on my weight and not enough focus on what I am doing on a daily basis. I am still too focused on the things I did wrong each day and not being proud of the things I got right. That should really be the only thing I look at. 

I am going to weigh in today and track my weight as well as retake my measurements. I am going to start tracking again when we get back from vacation, but I will only be weighing and taking my measurements once a month, on the 24th of each month. 

I used a photo from pinterest as motivation to write on my scale. A visual reminder that I am not what that number says. 

Motivation: 

My scale:

I am most likely going to be asking Patrick to hide the scale. If it's not out for me to see on a day to day basis then I feel like I will be less likely to cheat and look at the scale. When it is time to check my weight then I will see what I have written and hopefully remember that it's just a way to track progress and nothing else.  

It can't hurt to try it for a month or so. If I find myself slipping with eating, exercising and tracking then I may go back to weekly weigh-ins. I'm going to play it by ear and see what I am capable of. It may be the best thing for me to put the scale away.. You never know if you don't try.

All I do know is that for this month I will be working on my relationship with me.

Last weeks weight: 184.4

This weeks weight: 185.2

+/-: +0.8

Total +/-: +0.8

Measurements: 

Arm (L)- 

last month- 13"

this month- 12.75"

Difference- -.25"

Thigh (L)- 

last month- 26.25"

this month- 26.25"

Difference- 0"

Bust- 

last month- 40" 

this month- 40"

Difference- 0"

Waist- 

last month- 36" 

this month- 35.25"

Difference- -.75"

Hips- 

last month- 44.5" 

this month- 44.25"

Difference- -.25"

BMI- 

last month- 27.2= overweight

this month- 27.3= overweight

Difference- +0.1

 

Thoughts: Where do I begin? Let's start with the weight... I am now at my heighest ever adult weight (other than when I was pregnant). Here are the emotions I've already felt in the past 15 minutes regarding the scale and myself: anger, frustration, disgust, sadness and indifference. 

What was I honestly expecting the scale to say? I haven't been eating well and I haven't been tracking. There's really no wonder the scale is up. And if I'm being honest, I'm a little surprised it's not up higher than it is. 

The reason I'm feeling indifferent about the scale is because I took the time to read what I wrote on it. I am not that number. No one else knows what that number is unless I choose to tell them. I have been told by many people who know my weight that I carry it well and they would have never thought I would weigh what I do. 

And I finally looked up a chart that shows a healthy weight range for height and body frame (small, medium or large). According to the scale, I am only 15.2 pounds over a healthy weight, not the 21.4 pounds I thought last week. Granted, 170 is not my goal weight, but at least it would be a closer goal to set for myself that doesn't seem so far out of reach.

Taking my measurements helped as well. Especially since they either stayed the same or went down. Nothing drastic, but at least progress in the right direction.

Of course my initial thought was "I must not be measuring in the same place", but I was and I was happy to see that I am losing inches even if I'm gaining weight. 

I am not concerned about my thighs not losing inches. Yes, I thought they would with all the running I've been doing and with all of the squats, but I can feel a difference. They feel like they are becoming more toned and there is a difference even if they are still 26.25". There's still work to be done, but I'm happy with what my thighs have been able to do.

I am hoping that next month shows progress as well and I intend on doing the work in order to see that progress. I'm only going to get out of it what I put into it..

I decided to work on my self appreciation by writing one positive about myself a day. It makes me think of the good things at the end of each day and then I can see the list at the end of the week to boost my self-esteem.

 

I chose to list them with my weigh in because I know that there will be times that the weigh-in does not go the way I had hoped. I would like to say honestly that the number won't affect me, but it does, so listing my positives will make me focus on that instead of what the scale says. 

 

Positives:

1. I ended up binging on veggie chips. I have to look at this in a positive way because it could have been a lot worse. A lot worse...

2. I am allowing myself to be proud of my running accomplishments as well as putting it out there to brag about.  

3. I wore my HRM for the first time in months and am going to make it a habit to accurately track my calories burned instead of guesstimating.

4. I am taking pride in my running accomplishments instead of passing them off like they are nothing. I'm not going to walk around telling everyone, but it's about time I actually realize that I have done something that's pretty cool and something that not a lot of people have done.

5. I ate a filling lunch so that I wouldn't snack throughout the day before going to dinner with my parents and my in-laws. It was healthy, nutritious and delicious!

6. I bought running shorts. Shorts! I tend to stick with 3/4 pants or full length pants for my runs, but since the whether is getting warmer it is time to stop worrying about what my thighs look like and start focusing on the run.

7. I wrote on my scale so that I can remind myself that it doesn't matter what it says and as a visual reminder to stay off of it for the entire month.