Starting Over.. Again

I decided to weigh myself this morning in order to know where I am. I was going to wait the whole month like I had originally planned on, but decided that I wanted to know what my new starting weight is.

Yes, I'm starting over. Again.

I cannot begin to explain my frustrations with my lack of self control and the amount of times that I have started and restarted, only to give up a day or two later. I want success so much and yet I self sabotage myself so early on that it seems almost pointless at this point.

But as of this morning I am over 25 pounds higher than I was 9 months ago at my wedding.

 

I mistakenly thought I looked fat. I was self conscious about how my dress was going to fit. I thought that people would notice my imperfections. How self centered am I?

 

I read a great blog post last night about this exact thing. I was getting caught up on a bunch of the blogs I frequent, but the post from Freak Out In Color was the one that stuck with me the most. I also feel judged when I'm pretty sure that no one even notices me. No one cares about me or how I look as much as I do, so why can I not just let go and allow myself to have fun in the moment and not care what other people think?

 

 

I didn't want to take my shirt or my shorts off at the beach. But then my sister said something to me... "When are you ever going to see these people again?" And she's right. It didn't necessarily give me all the confidence in the world, but it helped. Then I looked around. And I saw people of all heights and weights and body types and I thought to myself, "I'm not judging them, so why do I think they are going to start judging me?" And in all honesty, even if they do judge me I'll probably never know. It's not like people will come up to me and tell me to my face that they think I shouldn't be wearing a bikini.

 

So I wore the bikini. And I was self conscious. But I let go as much as I could and I had fun. And no one said anything and I survived. And I even allowed the momentous event to be captured on film...

 

But it all does not change the fact that my weight is up since that wonderful day 9 months ago and it does not change the fact that I want to be comfortable in my body again.

 

I am committing myself to a 3 month challenge starting today. I know, I know... What's different this time that I am actually going to stick with this challenge and not give up in a day or two? Nothing is different. But if I don't keep trying then nothing will ever change. I have to keep starting over because at some point it will stick and things will start to change.

 





Starting weight: 188.8

Starting measurements:
Hips- 45"
Waist- 35.5"
Bust- 41"
Arm (L)- 13"
Thigh (L)- 27"

Goals:
- Weigh in monthly
- Weight less in 3 months than I do today
- Stick with my planned workout schedule as much as possible
- Eat healthy
- Track everything that I eat and drink
- Follow the good healthy guidelines as set forth by Weight Watchers
- Start planned challenges and stick with them (I did not finish the squat challenge and will be adding it to the end after push ups)

I have to stop self sabotaging and I have to start believing in myself. If I don't believe in me then I can't expect anyone else to either. It's time to do this for me..