It has been exactly one month since I have stepped on a scale.
I haven't really thought much about it and for some reason decided to look back to when I wrote my post regarding getting rid of the scale. It was on August 10th and I had weighed myself the day before. It was the last time I stepped on a scale and I have not looked back since.
I know that this way of thinking is not recommended for everyone, and I am in no way suggesting that other people do what I did, but I cannot believe the transformation I have made internally in such a short amount of time.
I decided to get rid of the scale because it was literally taking over my life. I had talked about it in therapy but was not finding what I needed in regards to figuring out why it was such a huge factor in measuring success. I cannot recall a time in my childhood that I was overweight or that weight was an issue. I was the smallest in my family weight wise and never thought anything of it. It wasn't until I was older that I started to really hear my mom talk negatively about herself. There are a few moments that I could pinpoint, but nothing drastic that should send me into a tailspin of self hatred.
But I was heading towards rock bottom in regards to the negativity I spoke about myself. I would say something awful in my head and then believe it until I spoke it aloud. Then I would hate myself even more. Poor Patrick had to deal with my waves of emotions when it came to my body and self image and was constantly trying to pick me up while I overtook his efforts and tore myself back down.
What's worse is that I said these things in front of Isabel. My worst fear as a parent is that my daughter will grow up with these negative body images. I know that it will more than likely happen, but I'm supposed to be the one to protect her, not teach her these behaviors.
When I realized that it was the scale that brought me down more than anything I decided to quit using it as a tool to measure success. It's not the only way to see the progress you are making and yet I was allowing that number to be the end all be all.
It was draining thinking about weighing in. It was draining feeling so great one minute and then so down the next all because there wasn't progress or it wasn't enough or worst of all I had gained. There were way too many factors that were affecting the scale and it was just, well, overwhelming.
I couldn't continue to justify gains. I had worked out and done strength training, gain. I had a lot of sodium, gain. It was that time of the month, gain. It was a full moon, gain. I just got out of the shower and my hair is wet, gain. The scale is not positioned in the correct location, gain.
Mind games.
In this past month I have used measurements as a way to track changes in my body. This past month I gained an inch in my waist, stayed the same in my hips and ended up losing in my arms, thighs and bust. I didn't spiral out of control when I saw that I had gained an inch. It was an amazing change to how I would have reacted weekly (or multiple times a week depending on how often I stepped on the scale) when I weighed in.
I asked Patrick the other night if he could tell a difference in my attitude towards myself and he said yes, with excitement. I feel as though he no longer has to pick me up when I hit the bottom. He no longer has to pry the food from my hands when I go overboard. He no longer has to constantly compliment me in order to keep my spirits up and the voices in my head at bay (although the compliments don't have to stop.. Hint Hint).
I did also ask him if he could tell a difference in my body. I didn't really want to ask the question because in all honesty he sees me every day and most likely will not notice a small difference the way I would, but alas my old habit did sneak back in. I didn't really get the answer I had hoped for. But I didn't freak out. I didn't try to justify his answer and point out the changes I could see until he agreed with me. Instead I took his answer for what it was, the truth of what he could see.
I can see a difference in my body. I am appreciating it more. I am looking at it from a whole different perspective. I am enjoying what I'm eating. I am enjoying what I'm wearing. I am enjoying working out. I am enjoying the changes that are occurring. I am enjoying the freedom that I have right now. I am not stressed about food. I am not stressed about weight. I am not stressed about calories or points. I am just feeling genuinely happy.
I am going to believe that these changes are because I no longer own a scale. That is the only thing that has changed. I no longer track my food because it was getting too complicated trying to find the balance of how many calories to eat back. I find that if I eat when I am hungry and eat the healthiest choices I can while still enjoying the unhealthy foods every once in a while then I don't feel deprived and actually find that my body is improving.
I don't know what I way and I don't have any desire to. I'm going to keep running, keep eating well, keep strength training and keep losing inches. Some months will be better than others. Some days will be awesome some won't. As long as I keep trying and keep improving health wise and as a person over all then I feel like I am doing something right.
I just feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. I'm not stressing and I am enjoying life. And my body freaking rocks!!
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Monday, September 9, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
It's Official!
I have once and for all decided that I am getting rid of the scale. If I had to pinpoint one part of my weight loss journey that has given me the most emotional and mental anguish it would be that piece of equipment. And so it is time for me to part ways.
I feel as though I can be having a great week. I can eat well and exercise as planned. I can feel great going into Saturday morning and then I step on the scale and it's like nothing positive happened the week before. The workouts don't matter and the eating well and tracking mean nothing if that scale doesn't show progress.
Well that's just not right. Like, at all.
Just because the scale doesn't move doesn't mean that I'm not making progress. And a number on a scale should not dictate how my week went or my mood for the next day or two.
This negative body thing I have going on is not healthy for me mentally or physically and although I am in therapy I feel like I am making very little progress. It's frustrating and irritating and I am so over it.
So I decided that I need to get rid of the one thing that makes it worse.
The mental mind game that comes along with weighing in is too much for me to handle. When I lose I am happy the rest of the day. When I gain I go through a wave of emotions and it includes a lot of verbal abuse towards myself. I feel worthless and pathetic.
I know that I have attempted to stay off of the scale before and have not succeeded in doing so. This time I will actually be removing the scale from our home in order to keep it out of sight and out of mind.
Without knowing my weight I will not be able to track my BMI or my Body Fat %. I think that the less numbers I have to worry about the better. I really just want to be able to focus on my training and my measurements. I want to be physically fit and that may mean that I weigh over an "ideal" weight for my height.
I'm going to track my progress using measurements and taking progress pictures monthly and of course being able to see a change in my endurance fitness-wise. This is so much more important to me and I know that 6 out of 7 days a week. It's just that one day that I weigh in that everything else goes away and I am weighed down by a number that may or may not reflect the work I put into it that week.
The scale can be affected by so many things that it's actually a pretty silly way to track progress. It can fluctuate so much by something as small as sodium. I'm still stumbling around trying to find my way with eating and exercise and how many calories to eat back. It will take a lot of stress off of finding this balance if I can do it without worrying about that number.
And I've already seen proof from others and now myself that the number on the scale doesn't necessarily mean that your body is not changing. I took progress pictures after a 2 and a half month time period. My first picture I weight 181.8 and my second picture, 2 and a half months later I weigh 189. I weigh more, but my measurements are down and I look better (at least in my opinion...) This is huge to me and a much better way of looking at it then by weighing in.
Another part of that is when I look back at my pictures from last year after doing 30 day shred. I think I looked pretty good and yet I was still obsessed with a number that the scale said. I think this go around I don't want to know that number and just base things off of how I feel I look. I could be really happy with my body but not be a certain weight I think I should be at. That weight should be left up to my body to decide after giving it proper exercise and nutrition.
I'm actually pretty excited about this. Without it being in the apartment I won't be tempted to peek. This is going to be a positive thing. I can tell already.
I feel as though I can be having a great week. I can eat well and exercise as planned. I can feel great going into Saturday morning and then I step on the scale and it's like nothing positive happened the week before. The workouts don't matter and the eating well and tracking mean nothing if that scale doesn't show progress.
Well that's just not right. Like, at all.
Just because the scale doesn't move doesn't mean that I'm not making progress. And a number on a scale should not dictate how my week went or my mood for the next day or two.
This negative body thing I have going on is not healthy for me mentally or physically and although I am in therapy I feel like I am making very little progress. It's frustrating and irritating and I am so over it.
So I decided that I need to get rid of the one thing that makes it worse.
The mental mind game that comes along with weighing in is too much for me to handle. When I lose I am happy the rest of the day. When I gain I go through a wave of emotions and it includes a lot of verbal abuse towards myself. I feel worthless and pathetic.
I know that I have attempted to stay off of the scale before and have not succeeded in doing so. This time I will actually be removing the scale from our home in order to keep it out of sight and out of mind.
Without knowing my weight I will not be able to track my BMI or my Body Fat %. I think that the less numbers I have to worry about the better. I really just want to be able to focus on my training and my measurements. I want to be physically fit and that may mean that I weigh over an "ideal" weight for my height.
I'm going to track my progress using measurements and taking progress pictures monthly and of course being able to see a change in my endurance fitness-wise. This is so much more important to me and I know that 6 out of 7 days a week. It's just that one day that I weigh in that everything else goes away and I am weighed down by a number that may or may not reflect the work I put into it that week.
The scale can be affected by so many things that it's actually a pretty silly way to track progress. It can fluctuate so much by something as small as sodium. I'm still stumbling around trying to find my way with eating and exercise and how many calories to eat back. It will take a lot of stress off of finding this balance if I can do it without worrying about that number.
And I've already seen proof from others and now myself that the number on the scale doesn't necessarily mean that your body is not changing. I took progress pictures after a 2 and a half month time period. My first picture I weight 181.8 and my second picture, 2 and a half months later I weigh 189. I weigh more, but my measurements are down and I look better (at least in my opinion...) This is huge to me and a much better way of looking at it then by weighing in.
Another part of that is when I look back at my pictures from last year after doing 30 day shred. I think I looked pretty good and yet I was still obsessed with a number that the scale said. I think this go around I don't want to know that number and just base things off of how I feel I look. I could be really happy with my body but not be a certain weight I think I should be at. That weight should be left up to my body to decide after giving it proper exercise and nutrition.
I'm actually pretty excited about this. Without it being in the apartment I won't be tempted to peek. This is going to be a positive thing. I can tell already.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Thursday Thoughts
Thankful Thursday:
Five things I am thankful for about myself
1. I am thankful that I have stretch marks as battle scars from being pregnant. My body had to do some amazing things in order to get pregnant and have a happy and healthy pregnancy. I need to stop looking at these things as a negative and instead remember what my body had to do in order to deliver a healthy and beautiful little girl.
2. I am thankful for my thighs. They may not be as small as I would like them to be, but that doesn't mean that they are big in a bad way. They are thick because they need to be in order to get in all of the miles it takes to run all of these races. Without my thighs I wouldn't be able to run. They are not fat like I seem to think most of the time, they are strong.
3. I am thankful that my calves are looking amazing. All of the running, the biking and the elliptical-ing have proven beneficial for this part of my body. I have always loved looking at other runners calf muscles and feeling envious, wondering when mine were going to pop. Well, they are popping and I am more than happy to wear shorts and 3/4 pants to show them off.
4. I am thankful for my feet. A good pedicure changes my opinion about them for the better, but I will always be grateful to have runners feet (blisters, missing toenails, etc). I earned those feet, and although they are not attractive to most I wouldn't trade the miles and experiences I have had for anything.
5. I am thankful for my drive when it comes to working out. It may seem crazy to most to workout as much as I have been these past two weeks, but for me it is becoming second nature. I am enjoying my workouts and the benefits that I am receiving from them. The scale may not be reflecting my hard work, but my endurance and stamina are enough to keep me going. As long as I enjoy the workouts I will continue to do them and when they become boring or I feel like I'm burning out then I will switch things up.
Five things I am thankful for in life
1. I am thankful to have a husband who understands my need and desire to workout as much as I do. I feel as though we have a good system going where I can usually workout before work while he is still sleeping and only spend a small amount of time working out rather than spending time with him and Isabel. Some days I am not able to and I end up spending more time away, but he is so supportive that I know I don't need to feel guilty about this healthy habit of mine.
2. I am thankful that I have a best friend that I can talk to about anything. I know that if I am having a bad day or if I need to talk something out that is bothering me I can turn to her and use her for support. We are able to talk to each other without a filter and our walks together on our breaks are often the best part of the work day. I can only hope that I am able to offer her as much support as she offers me.
3. I am thankful that I am able to afford a therapist. Although I have yet to take any huge strides in improving myself, I am taking baby steps and each session I am able to discover something new and work towards bettering myself. I know that I am only going to take out of it what I put into it, so I have a feeling that our appointments are going to get much deeper so that I can start to see the improvements in myself that I so deeply crave.
4. I am thankful that Patrick and I followed through on combining finances. We both know where we are in regards to our credit score and we are actively working on improving. We're not doing bad, but we could be better and it's important for us to figure this out now instead of in a year or two when we are looking for a house. We are both doing pretty good with our budget (I expected us to stumble a little with the first paycheck or two) and I'm very proud of us.
5. I am thankful that I am feeling genuinely happy. I have a good life and it's about damn time I realized that. I am not always a pessimist, and I try to look at the glass half full as often as I can, but I'm human and tend to hold onto the things that cause me grief. Lately (and I think I can thank the endorphins from working out) the sky has been bluer and the grass has been greener. I'm taking out of life what I put into it. I am thankful that I have a job that I like, I'm thankful that I have a hobby that I can hopefully benefit financially from, I am thankful that I have a best friend that gets me, I'm thankful that I have a cat that is the sweetest thing, I am thankful that I have bonus (step) children that I get along with, I am thankful that I have an apartment that suits our needs, I am thankful that we have money in the bank, I am thankful that we are so close to being out of debt and mostly I am thankful that I have a husband who loves me and who I love. He is patient and understanding and we can get through anything as long as we're standing side-by-side.
Throwback Thursday:
I think it's going to take me a little while to get used to posting pictures of myself from the past. I feel a little weird doing it, but there are not a lot of pictures of myself from the past five years and that's kind of something I regret. So I'm going to put them out there from all phases of the past few years. From my highest weight when I was nine months pregnant and the yo yo weights from then to now. I don't know how many pictures I actually have, but I think it will be good to come to terms with my past in order to accept who I am now.
It's been one hell of a journey and I am ready to see myself, maybe the way others saw me. Again, I don't know how many pictures there are of me since I'm usually the one behind the camera. I'm going to do my best to pick pictures that show my body since this is a weight loss/fitness blog (or at least it's supposed to be).
My photo CDs are in no particular order (an ongoing organizing task I have yet to find time or money to do). Since they are not in any order, the photo's I post weekly will also not be in any particular order. I will do my best to include a year, but most pictures will be from March 2008-present as that is when I started saving my pictures onto discs.
September 20, 2008- Isabel's first trip to the beach.
She had just turned 6 months, so we decided to take her one a trip to the beach. We found a nice little secluded spot where she could play and experience the sand in between her toes. I don't remember, but I don't think I ever took my shorts or shirt off to enjoy the sun and the water. I remember hating my body.
Five things I am thankful for about myself
1. I am thankful that I have stretch marks as battle scars from being pregnant. My body had to do some amazing things in order to get pregnant and have a happy and healthy pregnancy. I need to stop looking at these things as a negative and instead remember what my body had to do in order to deliver a healthy and beautiful little girl.
2. I am thankful for my thighs. They may not be as small as I would like them to be, but that doesn't mean that they are big in a bad way. They are thick because they need to be in order to get in all of the miles it takes to run all of these races. Without my thighs I wouldn't be able to run. They are not fat like I seem to think most of the time, they are strong.
3. I am thankful that my calves are looking amazing. All of the running, the biking and the elliptical-ing have proven beneficial for this part of my body. I have always loved looking at other runners calf muscles and feeling envious, wondering when mine were going to pop. Well, they are popping and I am more than happy to wear shorts and 3/4 pants to show them off.
4. I am thankful for my feet. A good pedicure changes my opinion about them for the better, but I will always be grateful to have runners feet (blisters, missing toenails, etc). I earned those feet, and although they are not attractive to most I wouldn't trade the miles and experiences I have had for anything.
5. I am thankful for my drive when it comes to working out. It may seem crazy to most to workout as much as I have been these past two weeks, but for me it is becoming second nature. I am enjoying my workouts and the benefits that I am receiving from them. The scale may not be reflecting my hard work, but my endurance and stamina are enough to keep me going. As long as I enjoy the workouts I will continue to do them and when they become boring or I feel like I'm burning out then I will switch things up.
Five things I am thankful for in life
1. I am thankful to have a husband who understands my need and desire to workout as much as I do. I feel as though we have a good system going where I can usually workout before work while he is still sleeping and only spend a small amount of time working out rather than spending time with him and Isabel. Some days I am not able to and I end up spending more time away, but he is so supportive that I know I don't need to feel guilty about this healthy habit of mine.
2. I am thankful that I have a best friend that I can talk to about anything. I know that if I am having a bad day or if I need to talk something out that is bothering me I can turn to her and use her for support. We are able to talk to each other without a filter and our walks together on our breaks are often the best part of the work day. I can only hope that I am able to offer her as much support as she offers me.
3. I am thankful that I am able to afford a therapist. Although I have yet to take any huge strides in improving myself, I am taking baby steps and each session I am able to discover something new and work towards bettering myself. I know that I am only going to take out of it what I put into it, so I have a feeling that our appointments are going to get much deeper so that I can start to see the improvements in myself that I so deeply crave.
4. I am thankful that Patrick and I followed through on combining finances. We both know where we are in regards to our credit score and we are actively working on improving. We're not doing bad, but we could be better and it's important for us to figure this out now instead of in a year or two when we are looking for a house. We are both doing pretty good with our budget (I expected us to stumble a little with the first paycheck or two) and I'm very proud of us.
5. I am thankful that I am feeling genuinely happy. I have a good life and it's about damn time I realized that. I am not always a pessimist, and I try to look at the glass half full as often as I can, but I'm human and tend to hold onto the things that cause me grief. Lately (and I think I can thank the endorphins from working out) the sky has been bluer and the grass has been greener. I'm taking out of life what I put into it. I am thankful that I have a job that I like, I'm thankful that I have a hobby that I can hopefully benefit financially from, I am thankful that I have a best friend that gets me, I'm thankful that I have a cat that is the sweetest thing, I am thankful that I have bonus (step) children that I get along with, I am thankful that I have an apartment that suits our needs, I am thankful that we have money in the bank, I am thankful that we are so close to being out of debt and mostly I am thankful that I have a husband who loves me and who I love. He is patient and understanding and we can get through anything as long as we're standing side-by-side.
Throwback Thursday:
I think it's going to take me a little while to get used to posting pictures of myself from the past. I feel a little weird doing it, but there are not a lot of pictures of myself from the past five years and that's kind of something I regret. So I'm going to put them out there from all phases of the past few years. From my highest weight when I was nine months pregnant and the yo yo weights from then to now. I don't know how many pictures I actually have, but I think it will be good to come to terms with my past in order to accept who I am now.
It's been one hell of a journey and I am ready to see myself, maybe the way others saw me. Again, I don't know how many pictures there are of me since I'm usually the one behind the camera. I'm going to do my best to pick pictures that show my body since this is a weight loss/fitness blog (or at least it's supposed to be).
My photo CDs are in no particular order (an ongoing organizing task I have yet to find time or money to do). Since they are not in any order, the photo's I post weekly will also not be in any particular order. I will do my best to include a year, but most pictures will be from March 2008-present as that is when I started saving my pictures onto discs.
September 20, 2008- Isabel's first trip to the beach.
She had just turned 6 months, so we decided to take her one a trip to the beach. We found a nice little secluded spot where she could play and experience the sand in between her toes. I don't remember, but I don't think I ever took my shorts or shirt off to enjoy the sun and the water. I remember hating my body.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Confessions of a Running Mom
Sometimes when I'm running I will have conversations with myself.
Not out loud.. And I rarely answer myself.
But from time to time I will have these thoughts that pop into my head while I'm running and instead of trying to shut that voice up I go with it and usually end the run feeling refreshed.
Sometimes I think about the things that have happened throughout the week, sometimes I think about the coming week. Usually though my thoughts head towards that part of my past that I am struggling to leave there.
My thoughts and the conversations I have with myself are about Isabel's biological father.
I hope and I pray to whoever is up there that I never have to actually have these conversations, but they are very therapeutic for me in that moment and I am usually able to end the run feeling refreshed.
I can sit here and honestly say that I don't care why he left, I don't care why he's stayed away and I don't care where he is or what he's doing. But at the same time my thoughts while running often go to these things. I rarely got answers for things that happened while in our relationship and even then most of those answers ended up being lies. I really don't know what was truth from that relationship.
So my mind does want to know why he left. Why he stayed away, not from me but from Isabel. And I would love to know where he is and what he's doing (not because I want to see him but because I want to avoid him and I want to know if he has a job and why he's not paying child support).
He currently owes Isabel $ 9,536.47 in child support. His monthly payment is supposed to be $300 a month, but she's lucky if she gets $56 (usually $28 every other week). It automatically goes into her savings account, so there's at least that. It doesn't make up for everything else though. Like preschool and prekindergarten. Swim lessons, art classes, soccer, etc. She's a smart child and I think it benefits her to put her in a variety of classes.
There's other things I think about to.
Like when would be the right time (and what the process would be) to have Patrick legally adopt her. I know that this will end up opening a can of worms and will probably strike his curiosity to be a part of her life. He may try to fight it and ask for rights. He is her birth father and the courts can be weird and they do try to keep families together. So I try to think of the right time to do it so that his rights are limited.
Patrick, Kaleb, Leah, Isabel and I are a family. We're a blended family, but we're a family. Patrick has been in Isabel's life for 4 years and 3 months. Isabel's biological father was in her life for a year and one week. By choice... He never exercised his right to have his visitations.
He doesn't know anything about her...
He doesn't know her favorite show, her favorite movie, her favorite stuffed animal, what she calls her blanket. He doesn't know that she can color in the lines or that she draws very well. He doesn't know that she taught herself to read when she was two years old. He doesn't know her favorite color, her favorite book, her favorite food. He doesn't know that she's seen Turbo in the theaters or that we've seen the Fresh Beat Band in concert. He has missed out on so much wonderful moments. And for what? What is his reason for leaving her and never looking back?
He has a tattoo of her footprints on his chest with her name and birthdate. A birthday gift I gave him a month after she was born. What does he think of when he sees that every single day of his life? What does he tell people? Does he lie and tell them that I took her away from him? Does he feel regret or disappointment in himself for not knowing his child? Is he embarrassed for the person that he is?
It shouldn't matter. And it doesn't.
I know how lucky I am. I know that him leaving was the absolute best thing that could have happened, not just in my life but in Isabel's as well. As her mother I chose who should be in her life after so many people left it. I don't have a doubt in my mind that Patrick and his family were the best people to bring into her life, to help me raise her along with my family.
They bring so much positivity to both of us, so much happiness. I feel like everything worked out. When I was in the moment, when it was all happening, life sucked. I didn't believe that anything would work out. That I was doomed to be a single mom and that I would be heart broken forever. But I'm not. I was able to find out what true love really is. I was given another chance at love.
And what's better is that I was able to give Isabel a family.
As silly as it sounds, I want him to know that. That he lost out on something amazing and that we are so much better off without him. So much better off..
I highly doubt that the thoughts will end. In fact, I hope that they don't, at least not anytime soon. I know that I need to work through these thoughts and like I've said before, running is like therapy.
Not out loud.. And I rarely answer myself.
But from time to time I will have these thoughts that pop into my head while I'm running and instead of trying to shut that voice up I go with it and usually end the run feeling refreshed.
Sometimes I think about the things that have happened throughout the week, sometimes I think about the coming week. Usually though my thoughts head towards that part of my past that I am struggling to leave there.
My thoughts and the conversations I have with myself are about Isabel's biological father.
I hope and I pray to whoever is up there that I never have to actually have these conversations, but they are very therapeutic for me in that moment and I am usually able to end the run feeling refreshed.
I can sit here and honestly say that I don't care why he left, I don't care why he's stayed away and I don't care where he is or what he's doing. But at the same time my thoughts while running often go to these things. I rarely got answers for things that happened while in our relationship and even then most of those answers ended up being lies. I really don't know what was truth from that relationship.
So my mind does want to know why he left. Why he stayed away, not from me but from Isabel. And I would love to know where he is and what he's doing (not because I want to see him but because I want to avoid him and I want to know if he has a job and why he's not paying child support).
He currently owes Isabel $ 9,536.47 in child support. His monthly payment is supposed to be $300 a month, but she's lucky if she gets $56 (usually $28 every other week). It automatically goes into her savings account, so there's at least that. It doesn't make up for everything else though. Like preschool and prekindergarten. Swim lessons, art classes, soccer, etc. She's a smart child and I think it benefits her to put her in a variety of classes.
There's other things I think about to.
Like when would be the right time (and what the process would be) to have Patrick legally adopt her. I know that this will end up opening a can of worms and will probably strike his curiosity to be a part of her life. He may try to fight it and ask for rights. He is her birth father and the courts can be weird and they do try to keep families together. So I try to think of the right time to do it so that his rights are limited.
Patrick, Kaleb, Leah, Isabel and I are a family. We're a blended family, but we're a family. Patrick has been in Isabel's life for 4 years and 3 months. Isabel's biological father was in her life for a year and one week. By choice... He never exercised his right to have his visitations.
He doesn't know anything about her...
He doesn't know her favorite show, her favorite movie, her favorite stuffed animal, what she calls her blanket. He doesn't know that she can color in the lines or that she draws very well. He doesn't know that she taught herself to read when she was two years old. He doesn't know her favorite color, her favorite book, her favorite food. He doesn't know that she's seen Turbo in the theaters or that we've seen the Fresh Beat Band in concert. He has missed out on so much wonderful moments. And for what? What is his reason for leaving her and never looking back?
He has a tattoo of her footprints on his chest with her name and birthdate. A birthday gift I gave him a month after she was born. What does he think of when he sees that every single day of his life? What does he tell people? Does he lie and tell them that I took her away from him? Does he feel regret or disappointment in himself for not knowing his child? Is he embarrassed for the person that he is?
It shouldn't matter. And it doesn't.
I know how lucky I am. I know that him leaving was the absolute best thing that could have happened, not just in my life but in Isabel's as well. As her mother I chose who should be in her life after so many people left it. I don't have a doubt in my mind that Patrick and his family were the best people to bring into her life, to help me raise her along with my family.
They bring so much positivity to both of us, so much happiness. I feel like everything worked out. When I was in the moment, when it was all happening, life sucked. I didn't believe that anything would work out. That I was doomed to be a single mom and that I would be heart broken forever. But I'm not. I was able to find out what true love really is. I was given another chance at love.
And what's better is that I was able to give Isabel a family.
As silly as it sounds, I want him to know that. That he lost out on something amazing and that we are so much better off without him. So much better off..
I highly doubt that the thoughts will end. In fact, I hope that they don't, at least not anytime soon. I know that I need to work through these thoughts and like I've said before, running is like therapy.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Thursday June 27th
The Good- I had therapy tonight and was able to talk some more about my negative thoughts about my body and my self sabotage with my eating habits. It seems to make so much sense when she and I talk and I feel so stupid sometimes because it all sounds so silly when I'm talking about it. But then she leaves and my mind starts spinning with negativity and I don't know how to make it stop. It's ridiculous that I can't be happy that I went to the gym last night for 50 minutes, instead I tear myself down for only going for 50 minutes. I can't get in check with my eating because I am so focused on not seeing the results that I throw in the towel and figure that I'm still making progress with working out, so what's the point of the rest of it. I know that with continuing therapy and discussing these thoughts I will make progress with the mental part of it too, which is sometimes more difficult to deal with than the physical.
The Bad- I did not get out of bed to go to the gym this morning like I had planned. I couldn't fall asleep until after 11 last night and then woke up a few times in the middle of the night. I was not well rested and chose to listen to my body instead of push myself to go.
The Positive- My therapist advised I start two journals tonight and go for as long as I can. The first will be a notebook with a positive a day about myself. The second is a notebook with a reason a day why I love Isabel. I decided to have Patrick include one in each notebook and Isabel as well. Isabel's will be given to her when she gets a little older, possibly when she starts going through changes with her body and needs to see reasons why she's lovable. Being a girl sucks and those changes can be difficult to get through.
The Workout-
50 squats
Thoughts for the Day
The Bad- I did not get out of bed to go to the gym this morning like I had planned. I couldn't fall asleep until after 11 last night and then woke up a few times in the middle of the night. I was not well rested and chose to listen to my body instead of push myself to go.
The Positive- My therapist advised I start two journals tonight and go for as long as I can. The first will be a notebook with a positive a day about myself. The second is a notebook with a reason a day why I love Isabel. I decided to have Patrick include one in each notebook and Isabel as well. Isabel's will be given to her when she gets a little older, possibly when she starts going through changes with her body and needs to see reasons why she's lovable. Being a girl sucks and those changes can be difficult to get through.
The Workout-
50 squats
Thoughts for the Day
* When you don't fall asleep until after 11pm and then wake up multiple times throughout the night you are very unlikely to get up with your alarm and make it to the gym in the morning. Meaning that there are two options- 1. take more rest days or 2. get more sleep. Doing both would probably be the best choice.
* It is very interesting watching Isabel play sports. She is very book smart and she definitely tries her hardest, but she lacks coordination.
* I have started reading yet another book and am now in the middle of three. This one is called Running On Faith by Jason Lester and has been really good so far. My favorite part is this:
"When you make extreme-distance sports your life, it's like you have this angel sitting on your shoulder, constantly whispering, "Do something inconceivable. Set the bar higher. Take up a new challenge." Most days, you're too busy to listen, but when things quiet down you start asking yourself questions. Could I improve my split? Could I set a new personal record? Could I keep going past the point where in the past I've quit? It's about inner growth and improving discipline and mental focus. After all, the only person you ever really meet out on the course is yourself. You are your own ultimate competition; at the end of the day, you're the one you have to answer to."
* In order to not kill your plants on the patio you have spent time and money to make more "homey", you must water them or make sure your husband continues to water them. They will die if they sit out in the heat and don't get watered for days at a time.
* I'm going to miss my husband. We have not spent more than one night apart since being married and I am not looking forward to the next 4 nights without him.
* I bought a 16 pack of batteries and have 2 empty 2GB SD cards ready for our 9 day vacation. I am worried that this will not be enough. I intend to take some very artistic photos this vacation (which to me includes a lot of close ups of flowers and animals and interesting buildings, etc). There may be a trip to CVS to buy some more memory.
* Planning on taking that many pictures is ridiculous.
* I am having a really difficult time putting in the work and not seeing the results and am going to use this vacation as a way to stop thinking about what's working and what's not. We are coming back home on a Saturday and I intend on making that Sunday my day to sit down and figure it all out before starting back up with MFP that Monday. I need to remember that my body is not going to change over night and that the work I am doing is a good thing and will show eventually.
* I got an email from my new gym about a free two session meeting with a trainer. I need to look into that when I get back. Hopefully I can talk to someone about nutrition (my biggest struggle right now) and maybe make a good plan on what machines to use and for how long.
* In order to not kill your plants on the patio you have spent time and money to make more "homey", you must water them or make sure your husband continues to water them. They will die if they sit out in the heat and don't get watered for days at a time.
* I'm going to miss my husband. We have not spent more than one night apart since being married and I am not looking forward to the next 4 nights without him.
* I bought a 16 pack of batteries and have 2 empty 2GB SD cards ready for our 9 day vacation. I am worried that this will not be enough. I intend to take some very artistic photos this vacation (which to me includes a lot of close ups of flowers and animals and interesting buildings, etc). There may be a trip to CVS to buy some more memory.
* Planning on taking that many pictures is ridiculous.
* I am having a really difficult time putting in the work and not seeing the results and am going to use this vacation as a way to stop thinking about what's working and what's not. We are coming back home on a Saturday and I intend on making that Sunday my day to sit down and figure it all out before starting back up with MFP that Monday. I need to remember that my body is not going to change over night and that the work I am doing is a good thing and will show eventually.
* I got an email from my new gym about a free two session meeting with a trainer. I need to look into that when I get back. Hopefully I can talk to someone about nutrition (my biggest struggle right now) and maybe make a good plan on what machines to use and for how long.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Putting the Scale Away
I had a productive therapy session last week. I talked to her about my irrational mood changes after standing on the scale and my frustrations with my body.
Thigh (L)-
Bust-
I decided to take her advice and put the scale away. To hide it and only weigh in once a month along with taking measurements. She suggested this tactic so that if I do gain at least there could be a difference in my measurements so that I can see some form of progress.
I am putting too much emphasis on my weight and not enough focus on what I am doing on a daily basis. I am still too focused on the things I did wrong each day and not being proud of the things I got right. That should really be the only thing I look at.
I am going to weigh in today and track my weight as well as retake my measurements. I am going to start tracking again when we get back from vacation, but I will only be weighing and taking my measurements once a month, on the 24th of each month.
I used a photo from pinterest as motivation to write on my scale. A visual reminder that I am not what that number says.
Motivation:
My scale:
I am most likely going to be asking Patrick to hide the scale. If it's not out for me to see on a day to day basis then I feel like I will be less likely to cheat and look at the scale. When it is time to check my weight then I will see what I have written and hopefully remember that it's just a way to track progress and nothing else.
It can't hurt to try it for a month or so. If I find myself slipping with eating, exercising and tracking then I may go back to weekly weigh-ins. I'm going to play it by ear and see what I am capable of. It may be the best thing for me to put the scale away.. You never know if you don't try.
All I do know is that for this month I will be working on my relationship with me.
Last weeks weight: 184.4
This weeks weight: 185.2
+/-: +0.8
Total +/-: +0.8
Measurements:
Arm (L)-
last month- 13"
this month- 12.75"
Difference- -.25"
Thigh (L)-
last month- 26.25"
this month- 26.25"
Difference- 0"
Bust-
last month- 40"
this month- 40"
Difference- 0"
Waist-
last month- 36"
this month- 35.25"
Difference- -.75"
Hips-
last month- 44.5"
this month- 44.25"
Difference- -.25"
BMI-
last month- 27.2= overweight
this month- 27.3= overweight
Difference- +0.1
Thoughts: Where do I begin? Let's start with the weight... I am now at my heighest ever adult weight (other than when I was pregnant). Here are the emotions I've already felt in the past 15 minutes regarding the scale and myself: anger, frustration, disgust, sadness and indifference.
What was I honestly expecting the scale to say? I haven't been eating well and I haven't been tracking. There's really no wonder the scale is up. And if I'm being honest, I'm a little surprised it's not up higher than it is.
The reason I'm feeling indifferent about the scale is because I took the time to read what I wrote on it. I am not that number. No one else knows what that number is unless I choose to tell them. I have been told by many people who know my weight that I carry it well and they would have never thought I would weigh what I do.
And I finally looked up a chart that shows a healthy weight range for height and body frame (small, medium or large). According to the scale, I am only 15.2 pounds over a healthy weight, not the 21.4 pounds I thought last week. Granted, 170 is not my goal weight, but at least it would be a closer goal to set for myself that doesn't seem so far out of reach.
Taking my measurements helped as well. Especially since they either stayed the same or went down. Nothing drastic, but at least progress in the right direction.
Of course my initial thought was "I must not be measuring in the same place", but I was and I was happy to see that I am losing inches even if I'm gaining weight.
I am not concerned about my thighs not losing inches. Yes, I thought they would with all the running I've been doing and with all of the squats, but I can feel a difference. They feel like they are becoming more toned and there is a difference even if they are still 26.25". There's still work to be done, but I'm happy with what my thighs have been able to do.
I am hoping that next month shows progress as well and I intend on doing the work in order to see that progress. I'm only going to get out of it what I put into it..
I decided to work on my self appreciation by writing one positive about myself a day. It makes me think of the good things at the end of each day and then I can see the list at the end of the week to boost my self-esteem.
I chose to list them with my weigh in because I know that there will be times that the weigh-in does not go the way I had hoped. I would like to say honestly that the number won't affect me, but it does, so listing my positives will make me focus on that instead of what the scale says.
Positives:
1. I ended up binging on veggie chips. I have to look at this in a positive way because it could have been a lot worse. A lot worse...
2. I am allowing myself to be proud of my running accomplishments as well as putting it out there to brag about.
3. I wore my HRM for the first time in months and am going to make it a habit to accurately track my calories burned instead of guesstimating.
4. I am taking pride in my running accomplishments instead of passing them off like they are nothing. I'm not going to walk around telling everyone, but it's about time I actually realize that I have done something that's pretty cool and something that not a lot of people have done.
5. I ate a filling lunch so that I wouldn't snack throughout the day before going to dinner with my parents and my in-laws. It was healthy, nutritious and delicious!
6. I bought running shorts. Shorts! I tend to stick with 3/4 pants or full length pants for my runs, but since the whether is getting warmer it is time to stop worrying about what my thighs look like and start focusing on the run.
7. I wrote on my scale so that I can remind myself that it doesn't matter what it says and as a visual reminder to stay off of it for the entire month.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Tuesday June 18th
After canceling last Thursday I requested to reschedule with my therapist. Today was her first available appointment and I was so ready for it.
I was able to read my "F" You letter, which was much needed. It felt great to read it and know that I'm done with it. And I have a feeling that at some point soon it will be burned, or torn apart, or some other sentimental ending to that chapter of my life. I still plan on talking to her about certain aspects and healing from things, but I got to get in my say, open up old wounds and actually feel some feelings about what happened. It was necessary and I'm glad I did it.
Tonight we talked again about my body issues and especially my issues with the scale. She suggested I weigh in once a month instead of weekly and I am giving it a lot of thought. It might be something I need in order to learn how to be happy with my body the way it is and not base my happiness on a number. I'm going to think about it and I'll probably make a decision soon.
I woke up early again and got in my 3 mile run, squats, arm workout and ab workout. It felt amazing! I am really excited to have started this early morning workouts. It makes my day seem so much longer and it makes me excited when I get to the end of the day and I realize that I don't have to worry about going out later to get in my run.
I'm not going to lie. This running streak has really made a difference in my self esteem and having my streak written out on my mirror is my way of rooting for myself. I see it everyday and it's my way of showing off. I am proud of this streak and I am excited to keep it going. It's a goal that I've made that I can only see myself succeeding at.
Sunday June 16th:
Goal: 1540
Food: 1769
Exercise: -327
Net: 1442
Breakfast:
Panera asiago bagel with egg, cheese and bacon
Calories: 610
Lunch:
1/2 kids cheese pizza
Calories: 299
Snack:
Lemon fruit popsicle, 2 hard boiled eggs, popcorn
Calories: 330
Dinner:
Chicken taquitos, cranberry walnut salad
Calories: 430
Dessert:
Golden spoon salted caramel frozen yogurt
Calories: 100
Exercise:
1 mile intervals, 1 mile run, 1 mile walk, 65 squats, arm workout, ab workout
Calories: -327
Positive: I am allowing myself to be proud of my running accomplishments as well as putting it out there to brag about.
I was able to read my "F" You letter, which was much needed. It felt great to read it and know that I'm done with it. And I have a feeling that at some point soon it will be burned, or torn apart, or some other sentimental ending to that chapter of my life. I still plan on talking to her about certain aspects and healing from things, but I got to get in my say, open up old wounds and actually feel some feelings about what happened. It was necessary and I'm glad I did it.
Tonight we talked again about my body issues and especially my issues with the scale. She suggested I weigh in once a month instead of weekly and I am giving it a lot of thought. It might be something I need in order to learn how to be happy with my body the way it is and not base my happiness on a number. I'm going to think about it and I'll probably make a decision soon.
I woke up early again and got in my 3 mile run, squats, arm workout and ab workout. It felt amazing! I am really excited to have started this early morning workouts. It makes my day seem so much longer and it makes me excited when I get to the end of the day and I realize that I don't have to worry about going out later to get in my run.
I'm not going to lie. This running streak has really made a difference in my self esteem and having my streak written out on my mirror is my way of rooting for myself. I see it everyday and it's my way of showing off. I am proud of this streak and I am excited to keep it going. It's a goal that I've made that I can only see myself succeeding at.
Sunday June 16th:
Goal: 1540
Food: 1769
Exercise: -327
Net: 1442
Breakfast:
Panera asiago bagel with egg, cheese and bacon
Calories: 610
Lunch:
1/2 kids cheese pizza
Calories: 299
Snack:
Lemon fruit popsicle, 2 hard boiled eggs, popcorn
Calories: 330
Dinner:
Chicken taquitos, cranberry walnut salad
Calories: 430
Dessert:
Golden spoon salted caramel frozen yogurt
Calories: 100
Exercise:
1 mile intervals, 1 mile run, 1 mile walk, 65 squats, arm workout, ab workout
Calories: -327
Positive: I am allowing myself to be proud of my running accomplishments as well as putting it out there to brag about.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Running > Therapy
I have learned a lot in therapy. Both individual and couples. I've learned things about myself and about our relationship.
I've learned that setting goals for myself should be a way to find success. I've learned that these goals should be obtainable but not easy. I've learned that my self worth should not be base on the successes or failure of said goals. I've learned that I am not responsible for other people's actions. I've learned that learning to trust someone takes time and patience. I've learned that healing from the past is a process that also takes time, and forgiveness. I've learned that pushing down your feelings is damaging and that reliving past hurt sucks...
Therapy is a wonderful thing and I am so lucky to have found two therapists that are able to help me and in turn help improve my marriage.
But running.. That's a whole other type of therapy.
When I'm out running one of two things happen. 1) Nothing, my run is solely focused on the act of running- the pain, the distance, my breathing, the sound of my feet on the pavement or 2) I begin the think of something or someone and I have an internal conversation with myself that include an in depth view into my thoughts, emotions and feelings.
I have been known to have full on conversations with myself while running, cleansing some built up feelings to no one. And it may be a fact that I have been caught by total strangers talking out loud.
A run that provides nothing more than a physical workout is not a bad thing. It is enjoyable, the endorphins are great and I am still improving a part of me.
But a run that works both the physical and mental sides is so much more rewarding.
I often come back from a run smiling. Very rarely, if ever do I come back with regret for going on a run. Yes, the run may have been painful and if asked I may state the simple fact that it sucked... But it was always, always worth it.
Often times my thoughts are about my past relationship and the pain it caused. These are probably the conversations I should be having with someone... But sometimes my thoughts will go to something happening now- money, wanting to buy a house, a small argument between Patrick and myself, Isabel, work, etc..
Going for a run provides clarity more often than not. It can clear the mind and sometimes you can find just what you need.
Friday, June 14, 2013
The Aftermath...
So after laying in bed beating myself up mentally for my imperfections and feeling sorry for myself I turned to my good old friend pinterest. Patrick was doing his best to make me feel better, but when I'm in that frame of mind I get irrational and don't want to hear what I consider to be lies.
So I turned to pinterest to find motivational quotes and other uplifting messages to pull me out of my funk.
That's where I found this:
I've also had many people tell me that I should only speak to myself the way I would speak to a friend. I wouldn't have any friends left if I spoke to them the way I was speaking to myself last night. Awful, hateful things were coming out of my mouth. And it didn't help anything. It only made me feel worse about myself and about my body.
It's interesting that the night before last I asked Patrick to massage my legs. They've been sore from running and squats. He told me that my legs are feeling toned. Very simple and straightforward. It felt great to hear that compliment! But my own mind can take that compliment and beat it until it's unrecognizable. It will point out five flaws for every one compliment I receive. It's a mind-fuck (for lack of a better term) and it's not a good place to be...
I wish I could be one of those women who may not have a toned body, and may even still want to fix their imperfections, but can wear a bathing suit and look damn good in it. You don't have to be a super model to look good in a bathing suit.. These women have something I crave.
Confidence!
Who cares if my thighs touch? Who cares if my stomach is droopy and has stretch marks? I mean, I had a baby with a c-section... Muscles were cut people! Who cares if my boobs aren't quite where they should be? Again, baby.. And gravity! Who cares if I'm not perfect?
No one else cares but me. No one. I can guarantee that no one else cares about any of that but me, and no one else sees it but me. And if they do see it they surely don't say anything to me about it.
I have always been told that I am my own worst critic. Since elementary school I can remember being upset things I did, thinking it wasn't good enough.. School, sports, art, my body. I'm constantly berating myself and my efforts.
I don't want to be a critic anymore. What I do is more than enough. I want to be a cheerleader. I need to be my own cheerleader in order to have any success in life. If I continue to criticize myself then all I am doing is allowing others to criticize me. If I start to root for myself then others will cheer for me too.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
"F" You Letter
Two weeks ago I had an appointment with my individual therapist. We have had a few sessions over the last few months briefly touching on things going on in my life- my relationship with Patrick, my lack of trust, my negative body obsession, goals I have for life and how I determine my worth over my success or failure of these goals, and a few other personal issues that are not mine to talk about other than one on one with my therapist.
While in my session last week I finally decided to get down to the nitty gritty of the issues between Patrick and myself. Don't get me wrong, Patrick and I have a wonderful marriage. I love this man more than anything. I would do anything for him and I know that he would do anything for me. But my last relationship was one filled with heartache, heart break and no trust. My ex did a number on me and I have never fully recovered from it because I spent so much time pushing my feelings down. Because of this, my relationship with Patrick has never been able to reach it's full potential.
I asked my therapist to ask me questions. I don't know why, and it really doesn't matter why, but I work better about talking about myself (especially about this topic) when I am asked questions. I tend to go off topic when I just start talking about something...
We had a wonderful session and I was given the homework assignment to write an "F" You letter. Or a letter that you write to someone that you never intend for them to see. I wrote it and I felt cleansed afterwards, which was exactly what it was meant to do. Cleanse the wounds so that I can now learn how to heal those wounds and finally move on...
It took me a while to decide to share this. I had planned on keeping it a draft. I know the point is to destroy the letter afterwards, but I think this may be a letter that is worth keeping, to look back on when things get difficult and I find myself having a difficult time remembering that Patrick is not my ex, would never do what my ex did and should not have to pay for my exes mistakes.
I decided not to type the letter out to share for the world to see, but I did want to share my experience of writing the letter.
My ex abused me mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically and financially. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish it didn't take me 5 years to get over the pain it caused. I'm embarrassed by that fact. But at the same time I am so happy to be getting the closure I so desperately desire.
I highly suggest this writing exercise and am sure that this will not be the last letter I write.
I meet with my therapist again tonight and am hoping to read the letter to her as well as to figure out the next step on this process.
While in my session last week I finally decided to get down to the nitty gritty of the issues between Patrick and myself. Don't get me wrong, Patrick and I have a wonderful marriage. I love this man more than anything. I would do anything for him and I know that he would do anything for me. But my last relationship was one filled with heartache, heart break and no trust. My ex did a number on me and I have never fully recovered from it because I spent so much time pushing my feelings down. Because of this, my relationship with Patrick has never been able to reach it's full potential.
I asked my therapist to ask me questions. I don't know why, and it really doesn't matter why, but I work better about talking about myself (especially about this topic) when I am asked questions. I tend to go off topic when I just start talking about something...
We had a wonderful session and I was given the homework assignment to write an "F" You letter. Or a letter that you write to someone that you never intend for them to see. I wrote it and I felt cleansed afterwards, which was exactly what it was meant to do. Cleanse the wounds so that I can now learn how to heal those wounds and finally move on...
It took me a while to decide to share this. I had planned on keeping it a draft. I know the point is to destroy the letter afterwards, but I think this may be a letter that is worth keeping, to look back on when things get difficult and I find myself having a difficult time remembering that Patrick is not my ex, would never do what my ex did and should not have to pay for my exes mistakes.
I decided not to type the letter out to share for the world to see, but I did want to share my experience of writing the letter.
My ex abused me mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically and financially. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish it didn't take me 5 years to get over the pain it caused. I'm embarrassed by that fact. But at the same time I am so happy to be getting the closure I so desperately desire.
I highly suggest this writing exercise and am sure that this will not be the last letter I write.
I meet with my therapist again tonight and am hoping to read the letter to her as well as to figure out the next step on this process.
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