"That's Quite an Accomplishment!"

We finished our 5K strong. I suggested that when we got close to the finish area that we just run the rest of the way, even if the interval timer beeped at us to walk. They both agreed and I could tell that it was going to be a good, strong finish for all three of us.

It took us 44 minutes, but we did it. This is my slowest 5K, but it was also my first as a pace group leader (unless you count the races I run with my sister). A little over half way was the most difficult part which included a trail and uphill, two things we hadn't really trained for. It wasn't awful, but different.

My niece wanted to take an extra walk break just after mile 2 (something I told her we would do if needed). I suggested we just go a little slower for the next running interval. We did but then she complained about a cramp in her side. I had us put our arms above our heads and breathe deeply. I really wanted to push her enough to finish without taking extra breaks. I told her that it was her head telling her she couldn't do it and to push through.

She did and ended without taking any extra walk breaks.

I couldn't be more proud of my niece and of my friend.

So why is it impossible for me to be proud of myself as well?

After the race my mom, Isabel and I went to the nearby grocery store to pick up something to eat and a coffee from Starbucks. We had a little bit of time between the race and Emma's soccer game so we went to kill some time. I still had my bib and medal on so the lady at the Starbucks counter asked me what race I just did. I told her the Simi 5K and she said "That's quite an accomplishment."

My initial reaction was to tell her that it's really not. That my normal course is a 5K and I can do it daily. That my favorite distance is a half marathon. That the tattoo on my wrist was for a full marathon. The distance of a 5K is "only" 3.1. That there were people I ran with who completed their first 5K, that my niece placed second in her age group, that they accomplished something that day.

But I stopped myself. I simply said "thank you" because it is an accomplishment. The completion of a race- 5K, 10K, half, full, ultra- is an accomplishment. I will display my bib on my display board that I made myself with just as much pride as the rest. I will hang my medal on my display board that I made myself with just as much pride as the rest. Why? Because it was an experience that I don't want to forget.

Did anything special happen on that race to me in particular? No, not really. But I had a wonderful time. I felt pride in pushing other people to try something they may not have tried. I have a new running buddy that enjoys it just as much as I do. And whether I was participating in the race or not, I would have needed to run 3 miles that day for our training plan.

I really need to start giving myself more credit for the things that I do. I need to stop thinking that what I do isn't as important or impressive as someone else who is doing the same exact thing. I went out and I ran. Bottom line. Regardless of time, speed, distance. I did it.

I Feel Like a Failure

I keep trying new things that last a day or two and then I give up. I'm either not strong enough, not patient enough, I don't have enough self control, etc. In all of these new things I realize that I am not enough.

This post is more of a ramble than any realization I could make. I have no profound thoughts. I also may be two glasses of wine in and am not quite sure what will come out of this.

I got rid of the scale almost two months ago. The first month went by and I felt great. I was learning how to appreciate my body the way that it is. I felt happy. Genuinely. The problem? I wasn't watching what I was eating. I fell into old habit with my eating, stopped going to the gym and expected things to change for the better.

I know this doesn't work, but isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

After hearing good reviews about Intuitive Eating and the The Body Image Workbook, I decided to buy them. I started with the workbook. I took the initial quizzes to see where I was starting at. I reverted back to the negative self talk. I started hating my body again.

At this time I had also done a little online shopping. I have decided that I wanted some more work appropriate outfits and ordered in a size 12, the size I have been wearing that has been fitting comfortably.

The orders have been arriving over the past couple days. They are all tight. Not horribly (well, not according to Patrick), but it's just not what I wanted or what I was hoping for.

I am so disappointed. In the clothes, in my body, in myself.

But no one can change it but myself.

So, once again.. I'm back at it. Starting tonight I plan on continuing to read Intuitive Eating. Starting tomorrow I plan to get back to working out, and more than just running. I also plan on having more self control in regards to my eating.

I can do this..

Maybe if I say it enough I will actually start to believe it.

Being Honest- September 10, 2013

I think it's about time that I start being honest with myself.

As much as I have changed for the betting since getting rid of the scale I have noticed that my working out has decreased and my eating habits have gotten worse. I was mentally prepared for something like this to happen because realistically I have nothing holding me accountable.

I am going to be doing some spending today on a couple of books that will help me understand intuitive eating better. Intuitive Eating and The Body Image Workbook. I feel as though I am in need of some guidance because there is too much going on. I feel better about my body, but in that same sense I am allowing myself to go overboard when it comes to food and skipping workouts.

I feel as though I don't want to necessarily track calories or points by using My Fitness Pal and Weight Watchers. For me it gets too frustrating and confusing when I start factoring in the calories I burn and how many I should be eating back. However, I do think that I need to have some form of accountability when it comes to what I am putting into my body.

So I will be starting to post daily menu's here. I am not concerning myself with anything other than the time I ate and what I ate. No calorie details.

7am: Coffee, 2 Tbsp Coffeemate Peppermint Mocha creamer, 3 splenda
815am: 1 cup Honey Nut Cheerio's, 1 cup fat free milk, 1 banana
1030am: apple, string cheese, Oikos Greek yogurt- lemon meringue
1215pm: fat free tuna salad with crackers, deli fresh lunch meat, baby carrots
145pm: granola bar
330pm: coconut water, Luna chocolate peppermint bar
630pm: Fire Island Grill- Pineapple Chicken Sandwich with fresh fruit
8pm: glass of wine

cardio workout: 1.33 mile walk, 2.07 mile walk, 4.23 mile interval run
strength training:
2 sets of 15
squat & press
dead weight/chest row
squat/kettle bell swing
chair/reverse fly
static lunge with bicep curl
squat/dumb bell row
crunches
reverse crunches
left side crunches
right side crunches

Confessions of a Running Mom

I started Christmas shopping this past weekend.

I have been wanting to start for awhile, but knew that it was way too early. Then while running on Saturday I decided that it was about that time to start. We're just over 3 months away and I really do not want a repeat of what happened last year.

Last year Patrick and I were financially struggling. We both had debt and we didn't have any extra money to spend on our families and friends. It was embarrassing and pretty upsetting to not be able to celebrate the way I wanted to.

I know that our families don't care whether we bring them gifts or not. There's not one person in our family that I can think of that is that materialistic. However, it is frustrating to go celebrate and receive gifts that people have spent time and money on and simply hand over a gift card.

The year before last I went way over the top. To the point of surpassing our agreed upon budget by close to $1000. At that time Patrick and I had our finances separate as we were not married yet and it took me close to 6 months to admit that I had over spent and put myself into more debt so that I could buy things. I didn't ask him to pay me back, but it did cause a discussion to happen for last years Christmas so that we would stick to our budget.

Our finances were separate last year as well. From what I remember I do believe that we stayed extremely close to our agreed upon budget. And then I decided that I wanted to open a savings account specifically to save for Christmas. We would transfer $25 a paycheck to that savings account and by the time Christmas rolled around we would have an extra $600 saved away. It would feel like less of a financial burden and I would be able to have more fun this year shopping for our family and friends.

The only thing I like more than shopping for myself is shopping for other people.

I made our list of friends and family that we need to shop for this year and our list is HUGE. I'm sure it's not as bad as most people's but we have decided to expand just a little to include more of our family this year. In expanding our list we will be getting each person something smaller or homemade, but we will still be spreading the Christmas joy.

I decided to start early because I don't like waiting until the last minute. It causes anxiety that I feel I can prevent. So I decided to start with Target, TJMaxx and Michael's. I also plan on going to Home Goods and Marshall's soon. I think that these stores tend to get new merchandise weekly and if I go once a month I should be able to find good products for everyone on our list for less.

The bonus kids only want cash this Christmas, so I am trying to find them little things here and there (mainly clothing) and then find creative ways to gift them money. I don't want to simply hand over an envelope, so I have been searching pinterest for ideas. There are some pretty cute pins.

Isabel should be the easiest to shop for. She's still young enough that toys, clothes, basically anything really is still exciting. I am contemplating going a little over the top and buying her an iPod touch so that she can stop bothering Leah to play on hers, but I am a little worried that she's too young and will end up losing it.

I just have so many ideas for everyone, so it's going to be a lot of fun getting everything together, especially the DIY gifts. I am glad that I am giving myself plenty of time to get all of those done because there are quite a few.

Patrick thinks I'm taking on too much, but as long as I stay organized and keep a list (and check it twice) then I should be okay. I am so grateful that he is showing his appreciation as well. It's nice to be recognized for the little things I do and I know that this is not his forte. I love that man, but I do not know how he can go out on December 24th to do his shopping (and he only has one person to shop for!)

Confessions of a Running Mom

I have often had the internal debate as to whether or not I am a good mother. I tend to lean toward not, but that's because I hold myself up to too high of a standard.

I see stories of so many other women who do things "right". They don't fall asleep while their child is watching cartoons. They don't allow their child to cry themselves to sleep while they are crying themselves to sleep. They know exactly what their child needs before they need it and they do it with style and grace.

Yeah, that's not realistic. Every child is different and every mother is different too and when you have a child you learn along the way.

I know that having a child is much different than having a niece or a nephew, but in all honesty I think that I learned a lot from being an aunt. I learned that children fall and bounce back up and that it's usually when you show them attention and baby them that they start to cry. I learned that formula isn't going to harm your child. I learned that you're going to raise your voice, you're going to cry, you're going to want to run away.

And you're going to want to hold your child as close to you for as long as you can.

Being a good mom, to me, means:

Giving multiple warnings before administering a punishment.

Letting your child win. Most of the time.

Bribing your child with dessert so that they will eat all of their dinner.

Listening with no distractions when they tell you the most repetitive sentence ever.

Singing along to The Fresh Beat Band. And seeing them in concert more times than you have seen any of your favorite bands.

Watching Disney movies more times than you care to admit and being able to say line for line the entire movie.

Knowing where their favorite blanket or stuffed animal is at all times.

Killing spiders even when you are deathly afraid of them.

Making funny faces and not being afraid to look a damn fool in front of other people in order to make your child laugh.

Feeling overwhelmed the majority of the time.

You are constantly juggling too many things at once, but some how managing to do it.

You will finally understand your own mother and most likely apologize at some point for your own behavior as a child.

Worrying obsessively about whether or not you are doing the right thing.

Being a little late to work because she woke up and wanted you to stay home so you had to explain for the hundredth time why you have to leave every day to work.

Hearing "One last hug and kiss" seven times before it actually is the last one.

Never wanting to say goodbye.

Realizing you time is just as important as time together and that as long as you are able to find a balance there is no reason to feel guilty.

Always feeling overwhelmed and guilty even if there is a good balance.

Wondering what they are doing at school and if they are behaving.

Having a nickname for them that is special and meaningful.

Loving them so deeply that it hurts.

There are so many more reasons and things that make someone a good parent. These are just the ones I thought of now that make me feel like a good parent. They change daily and something new is added pretty much daily as well.

My daughter is my world. I love her and am so grateful that she is a part of my life. It would not be as amazing as it is without her. She is constantly surprising me and it is incredible to be able to see the world through her eyes.

I am excited to one day grow our family and to bring more love into our lives.

I am a very lucky woman, wife, daughter, sister, bonus (step) mom and mother. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I've been waiting and waiting for the registration to open for the Mammoth Mountain Half. I finally received notice of when the race will be, which helped because now I can plan my trip. Not two weeks later I received the date registration opens. 9/9/13.

But then I started thinking about The Challenge. I found out about The Challenge for the first time last year at the LA Marathon expo. It was the first year and I was very interested in it. Unfortunately, the race in San Diego was the same month as the LA Marathon. I forgot about taking the challenge in 2013 and for 2014 and just focused on signing up for the Mammoth half in 2014.

I didn't even think about it. I just decided that I would be running the LA Marathon again in March and then running the Mammoth half for my June race. No question. I went with what I knew.

But then I started thinking about it a little more.

And I talked to Lorien and Patrick about it.

And I thought some more.

It didn't take long to decided that I will be taking The Challenge in 2014. I decided on this because it is new and it is exciting and there is an extra medal that I will receive for completing it when I cross the finish line in June in Mammoth.

I made this decision on Friday and immediately purchased the package for both races. And then I had a slight panic filled, anxiety driven few minutes where I called Patrick to calm me down. I needed him to tell me that I made the right decision.

He did what he does best and listened to me while I had my irrational breakdown and came to my own conclusions on how I felt about it.

I pretty much feel guilty because Rachel might be running the marathon in March. She hadn't decided one way or the other, but we had a training plan and if I did The Challenge then she may have to do the marathon by herself. I told her I would still train with her for the marathon, so we'll see what she decides to do.

I am starting to get out of the nervous phase and head into the excited phase. I mean, I don't just get bling bling for these two races, I'll be getting some bling bling bling!

Enough

I get into a pretty negative cycle with myself when it comes to pretty much everything I do. I have yet to pinpoint the cause but nothing I do is ever good enough.

Not to anyones standards, just my own.

Which is weird.

In regards to my work, my family, my parenting, my marriage, even going back to high school and college. Not good enough.

So it would naturally make sense for me to think that my running is also not good enough.

I'm not fast enough, I haven't done enough races, I haven't gone far enough, I didn't try hard enough during training. It's never enough.

And now the work enough looks weird when I type it out..

I think it's because I'm always comparing myself to other people. Always. In regards to every aspect of my life. The funny thing is, if I just look at my life, my family, my job, my bank account, my hobbies, my fitness, etc. then it is enough. It's when I look at what other people have, what other people do and what other people think that I start feeling like I'm not where I should be.

When it comes to running (and all areas of my life really) the important thing I have to remember is to stop comparing myself to other runners. Not every runner is built the same and every person has a pace and a distance that works for them.

In fact, I can't even compare myself to a year ago because I was running with a group instead of alone or with my sister, I was pushing for a PR instead of working at a slower pace to be support for someone else and I was a year younger (and about 30 pounds lighter).

I am improving and I am enjoying myself in the process. I normally would never have gone for a run in 90 degree weather, but I did that on Tuesday. I tried to talk myself out of it, and the old me would have fallen for the old excuse trick, but not this Tracy. No, I went for my run. I told myself to go slow and steady. My slow and steady pace ended up being the close to my normal pace and one mile was faster than normal and I felt great doing it.

So what if my miles are 12 and a half minute miles. Who really cares? I'm not out there at the front of the line trying to win these races and I'm okay with never doing so. I don't run races for that reason. I really don't think anyone will think less of me when I tell them that my fastest marathon time is 5 hours and 53 minutes. And if they do, then that's on them. It doesn't take away my pride of completing the marathon and the joy of the PR I got that day.

I have got to stop comparing myself to others because when I start to compare that's when I lose my drive. And this motivation has got to stick around for a long while considering how many races I have scheduled and how many races I plan to sign up for in the future. I am fast enough, I am good enough, I am enough.

Confessions of a Running Mom

Last Wednesday I received a call from my mom after she picked up my daughter from school. I wait ever so impatiently by my phone at work at 12:55 to get a call from her to tell me how school was. I desperately wish I could be there to pick her up. I don't ever see that happening.

My mom told me that when she was let out of class the teacher motioned for her to come to the class room instead of waiting for Isabel by the gate like she had been since the second day of school (mind you, this was only the third day of school).

My reaction to her telling the story was the same as hers was. "Oh dear lord, what has my child done today.."

I don't give her enough credit.. You see, the teacher called my mom over so that she could talk to her about moving Isabel up to first grade. In fact, she believes that she would do well in second grade, however socially she should only be moved up a grade. She's already in the kindergarten/first grade split class so she would stay in the same class. She needed to find out how we felt about this before doing assessments with Isabel, speaking to the principal and having a psychological evaluation done.

We are, of course, ecstatic about this. Three days. That's all it took for the teacher to realize that she is advanced. It's incredible and beyond belief. Moving her up would do such great things for her educationally. And in all honesty, I think that she does better socially when she is with older kids as well.

That would be, what I like to call, my bad. I don't really think she knows how to act around kids her age who are just acting like normal 5 year old because she is so used to being around older kids (ages 9-13) and adults her entire life. Even when she was in preschool and pre-k she would often times read to the kids if the teachers were doing something else instead of playing with them.

I do not know how she got to be so smart. I rarely give myself any credit, usually putting focus on the age difference between Isabel and her cousin Emma. Since Rachel and I both work full-time it is our mom who does much of the child care while we are away. Because of this the girls were around each other a lot when Isabel was a baby. Emma was just starting kindergarten when Isabel was around one and I am a firm believer that children's minds are like sponges.

There is no doubt in my mind that Isabel learned a lot by listening to Emma do the alphabet and learn to read. She was there absorbing it all and I put the credit there. It is why Isabel can take a third grade spelling test and only miss one word.

Of course, I'm sure it has a lot to do with me as well. I mean, there has to be some scientific DNA mumbo jumbo involved. I can guarantee that it did not all come from her biological fathers side of the family, but then again I'm no braniac either.

I did read to her when she was younger. And when she wanted to learn how to read I did the first thing that came to mind. I pointed to the word, read it out loud and had her repeat the word. That's how we read books for awhile. It took us longer to get through the book but it was time well spent together. It really is no wonder she could pick up a book when she was two and read it cover to cover.

The important thing though was when we would ask her questions about the book and she could tell us what happened. She wasn't just memorizing, she was comprehending.

It didn't really hit us until her pre-k teacher pulled us aside after class one day and told us that she was "gifted" and that it would be a good idea to pick up a book about raising gifted children and have her tested. Testing = $$$ though, which was not an option at the time, but we started reading a book about it and did some research on the subject.

Our best option was to speak with her pediatrician when we took her for her check up before school started. She was quite taken away by how advanced she was and suggested speaking to the principal at the school to find out what the best route would be for her. I didn't want to be "that" parent that thinks her child is smarter than any other student in the school and I definitely didn't want to over step my boundaries, but it was a call I had to make.

I didn't receive much of a response other than the child could be moved up to a certain grade for certain subjects. If the child was advanced in reading then they would stay in kindergarten until reading time and then would be taken to the first grade class to read.

Then the principal moved to another school and a new principal came to our school. I briefly met him at orientation but didn't speak directly with him. It was a pleasant surprise when Isabel was placed in the kindergarten/first grade split class because I truly believed that it would help her in the long run. And it helped that her teacher was Emma's teacher when she was in kindergarten. She recognized both myself and my mom and I was able to mention to her that we were excited about her placement and that she has been reading for quite some time.

My fear was not that she wouldn't learn being in kindergarten, my fear would be that she would finish an assignment and get in trouble because she was bored. Thankfully that does not seem to be the case and I have heard that she sits at her desk while in class.

We are still waiting to hear if she will be moved up or not, but her teacher is 99% sure that she will be.

It took me almost a week to figure out my emotions and I'm still a little jumbled.

Basically I have gone from straight panic and fear to excitement to relief to panic again. I am her mother and I will always worry about her whether she's five and being moved up to the next grade or whether she is seventeen and having her heart broken for the first time. It's my job as her mom.

I think my main fear right now is regarding the friends she has made and trying to explain to her why she can't play with them anymore. Kindergartners are separated from the upper classes and she is used to going to a certain place and playing with certain people. Yes, I realize she's only been doing this for a week so it's not really logical for me to stress about that when she is a social butterfly and will make new friends, but still. That's what I'm concerned about.

And I know that education > friends, but it's still important to have those relationships. Some of the best friendships start at that young age. But there are plenty of other children who she can become friends with and I am worrying about absolutely nothing.

I just got used to the idea of having a child in kindergarten.. Now I have to get used to the idea of having a child in first grade.

Emotional... Roller coaster...

Confessions of a Running Mom

Yesterday was the first day of school. I really thought that I was going to completely lose it when I dropped her off. I had prepared myself all weekend by tearing up randomly, basically scaring Isabel into thinking that I was upset that she was growing up and that doing so was a bad thing.

I did my absolute best to wait until she went to bed Sunday night before needing to be hugged and calmed down by Patrick. He's so good with my irrational break downs... I sobbed into his shoulder trying to explain how I had gone the past 5 years fighting to keep her with me and now I'm just sending her off. He told me that it was a part of being a parent and that everything would be okay.

I took the entire day off from work so that I could drop her off and pick her up and spend some extra time with her since my work schedule is going to be pretty odd now that she is in school. Since Patrick works in retail he does not have a set schedule so some mornings I will have to take her to school and other mornings he will take her. Her school doesn't allow drop offs until 7:45am, meaning that I won't get to work until 8:15-8:30 depending on traffic. My normal 7:30-4:30 shifts won't work on those days, so I will be working 8:30-5:30. I don't really like this because there will be more traffic both on the way to work and on the way home, but it does mean that we get to spend an hour together in the mornings getting ready for school and that I get to take her to school. These are important moments here.

Having this schedule also means that my workout schedule needs some retouching. There is no way that I can justify going to the gym after getting home on those days that I take Isabel to school. I wouldn't get home until after 7pm and after showers, dinner, etc I would only see her for a half hour. We're trying to get her into bed no later than 8. That's not enough for me. So for now I will be doing some at home workouts and trying to make up the miles on the weekends and on the days that Patrick closes or is off.

I tried to use my day off the best I could. My car was up for scheduled maintenance so I made an appointment to drop it off in the morning. What I thought would be an $80 visit ended up starting at $310 since my car is almost at 60,000 miles and I "needed" the blue service. So many services were being thrown at me which meant $$$. I decided to get the bare minimum that I could which was the estimated $310 service.

That's what I thought about when I ran from the Toyota dealership to my parents house. For 5.07 miles I thought about money and how frustrating it is to start to feel ahead financially and then get knocked down a peg or two. I wasn't really stressing that badly because we had the money in our checking account, but it would be a drain on it since Patrick also had to pay child support. I apologized to him for the inconvenience (he quickly text back that there was no reason to apologize) and then I went on my merry way.

Then I got a call that the water pump was leaking coolant and that it would cost another $300 some odd dollars. Frick on a stick! Okay, fine. It has to be fixed because that's obviously not good... I figured I could transfer some money around and we could pay it back on payday. No big deal. Another apology and another it's okay. And of course something else was found to be broken. Not quite sure what, but it was cracked and needed to be replaced. Thankfully I wasn't charged for service, just the part, but a total of $792 later and my car was back in my possession.

I cannot begin to express my gratitude to my parents. My sister and I were very fortunate growing up and as soon as we graduated from high school we were told that we had a college fund. I am so grateful to my parents for setting this up and have in turn learned that it's something that needs to be done early for my own children. Each of our three kids have an account and although they are not as much as I would like, they are slowly growing and it means a lot to me to be able to at least help my children reach their dreams. There happened to be money left over in this account that I had decided to keep in the account in case I wanted to get a car or home loan through the credit union. My mom suggested I take the money out of that account and put it towards my car. Such a relief to not have to stress about it! I ended up taking enough to pay for the car and a little extra (just in case it ended up costing more) and put the extra into our house savings.

The added expense was unfortunate and unexpected, but I didn't freak out and I think that is such a huge step in the right direction. Patrick and I are still in the beginning stages of finding our footing when it comes to our finances and although we're not where we would like to be, we are on our way and I think the potential is endless. In fact, we're discussing having a garage sale at my parents in order to bring in some extra money for our house and/or car savings accounts. Responsibility!

Today is the second day of school and oddly enough it was more difficult today than it was yesterday. I think mainly for the fact that I knew that I wasn't going to be picking her up or seeing her until later tonight. I basically dropped her off, said goodbye and had to leave in order to make it to work. It was difficult to walk away, difficult to see her through the gate (and running to me for one more kiss), difficult to drive away thinking that she will most likely line up in the wrong line again. I have to kind of let go though. It's not in my control anymore and I feel comfortable with the teachers and the yard supervisor to get her where she needs to go.

It has been helping to journal. I think that it's something that will be a nice surprise for her when she graduates from high school and since I'm including photos and stuff it will be nice to look back on together. I asked her questions yesterday about her favorites and what she wants to be when she grows up and I think it will be nice to see her answers change as the years go by. I also found a really sentimental poem that hit home that I included for today's entry:

"I wonder what you're doing right now,

and if everyone is treating you kind.

I home there is a special person,

a nice friend that you can find.

I wonder if the teacher knows

just how special you are to me.

And if the brightness of your hear

is something she can see.

I wonder if you are thinking about me,

and if you need a hug.

I already miss the sound of your voice

and how you give my leg a tug.

I wonder if you could possibly understand

how hard it is for me to let you grow.

On this day know that my heart breaks,

for this is the first step in letting my baby go."

When It's Not For Me

I have been running for almost three and a half years. Since the beginning of my running "career" I have more often than not been running for someone else. Obviously I'm the one doing the running, but it's been in support of someone else.

My first 5K was with my sister. My first 10K/Mud Run was with my sister. My first half marathon was with my sister. My first marathon was with my sister.

In fact, the reason I started running again was for my sister.

Since I decided to run with her I knew that my pace would be her pace, my finishing time would be the same as her finishing time, my training schedule would fit around her schedule. I was pushing my body to new limits, but I was never really pushing myself to be better, faster or stronger. I never had to because I was comfortable just running with her at her pace.

The Turkey Trot two years ago was my first opportunity to run any sort of race alone. It was a much different experience. Not better or worse, just different. It was weird going alone and knowing that there was no one there to talk to beforehand or celebrate with afterwards. It was just me. And me in social situations = awkward.

I don't believe I spoke more than two words to anyone while I was there. In fact I believe my total word count for the day was two word... "Thank you" to the volunteer who handed me my medal at the end.

I was a little more vocal at my first solo half marathon, the Arroyo Creek half a year ago. Most likely it was because our running group was there and although I ran it alone, I was more comfortable knowing that there were people there that I knew and that were going to be there for me at the finish line. There was one other runner that I spoke to that I didn't know. We pushed each other the last 2 miles or so. It felt great to know that I was helping someone dig deeper since they were doing the same for me.

It felt very different training for these races because I was doing it alone. I was pushing myself to limits I didn't know I had. I was uncomfortable most of the time because I was reaching new top speeds and usually training alone. I had to find something inside of myself that I wasn't aware existed. It felt very different, but the pride I felt when finishing alone was a very different feeling then when I finished races with Rachel. I got to celebrate my finish, not our finish.

To be honest, for a while I was a very selfish runner. It had been mentioned in our training group that there were openings for pace group leaders. At the time it sparked my interest, but not enough. I wanted to be able to go for my long run and focus on myself and not the other members in the pace group. Of course we did talk and we were looking out for one another, but I was able to be focused more on myself than anyone else, and I liked it that way.

And I'm looking forward to doing it a lot more next year. Since I am planning on running a race every month (half marathon distance or further) I will be doing a lot of running alone. That works for me because then I can train at my pace and focus on me.

I wouldn't trade those runs with my sister for anything because our relationship grew stronger and we became closer as siblings and as friends, but it's difficult to want to push yourself and not be able to.

And yet, that's what I'm doing right now. I know it probably doesn't make any sense to want one thing but to do another, and yet that is exactly what I am doing.

I am currently working with my niece to help train her for the Simi Valley 5K in September. This will be her second 5K, but it's been a while since her first and her body needs to get used to running again. Since she is 9 years old and hasn't done much running recently we are starting out at 30:1 intervals and taking it slow. It feels weird to go out there to run and not push myself, but at the same time the pride I have in her for getting out there and doing it takes over and I know that it is so worth it.

I'm not sure if this post even makes any sense, but basically what I'm saying is that sometimes it feels really good to be a selfish runner and go out there for a run that is solely for you. Other times, it is so worth it to pull yourself back and be there for someone else.

I knew back then that I didn't want to be a pace group leader because my heart wasn't in the right place to help someone else. I had already done that for my sister for so long that I honestly just wanted to see what I could do. I've reached so many of my own running goals since then that at this point I am ready to help others. I'm not the most knowledgeable, I'm not the fastest and I'm definitely not the best, but I am willing and I am happy to do so.

And of course, knowing that there are races that will be just for me helps too.

A Letter to my Daughter

Dear Bug,

I have so many hopes and dreams for you for your future. I hope that you are happy. I hope that you find love. I hope that you have friends that treat you well. I hope you can pursue your passions. I hope that you have enough in life to keep you happy but not so much that you don't appreciate it. I hope that you are a hard and smart worker. I hope you are kind to others. I hope that you bring happiness to others.

There is something else I wish for you... I wish that you are happy with your body. I wish that you don't grow up with the negative feelings about your body the way I do about mine.

I grew up thinking that my mom was confident with herself and her body. To be honest, when I was your age I didn't know the difference between skinny or fat. People were the way they were and it didn't really matter. I'm sure I noticed the differences, but it wasn't something I spent that much time thinking about.

As I got older I quickly realized that my mom was extremely negative about her body. She was concerned about the way it looked and was constantly trying to cover herself up. Too self conscious to put on a bathing suit, our summers were rarely spent by the pool or at the beach and when we did go to those places she rarely enjoyed herself.

I noticed those things. And I hated it. I hated hearing her speak so negatively about someone I loved so much. I hated trying to tell her that she was beautiful, that she was not fat, that no one else saw the things she saw.

I don't know how it happened or exactly when it happened but there came a point in time that I began to notice my body. I think it was around high school. I thought that I wasn't enough. I wasn't smart enough, or cool enough, or athletic enough, or skinny enough. I'm not sure who I was comparing myself to or who I wasn't enough for, but those thoughts took over so many other more important thoughts (like math, or english).

After those thoughts entered my mind it became extremely difficult to get them out and it continues to be a daily struggle.

Even when I was at my lowest weight I wasn't happy with my body. Most likely because it was more of an internal issue more so than an external one. And then my body changed drastically when I was pregnant with you.

It's taken me over 5 years to actually appreciate what my body had to do in order to have you. I am well aware that the amount of weigh I gained while pregnant was not necessary and was because of no self control rather than of need for you, but my body did change and I have to learn to look at those changes as a positive thing. I have stretch marks because my stomach had to grow in order for you to fit in there. My stomach had to be cut open in order for you to come into this world and it will never look the same, but it had to be that way.

After you were born I vowed that I would not do what my mom did. I vowed that I would be confident and I would never speak negatively about myself in front of you.

My goodness, how I have failed.

It is because of me that you know what a scale is. It is because of me that you stand on that scale when you come into my bathroom. It is because of me that you are aware that the scale can cause me to feel so many awful emotions. It is because of me that you may one day grow up to think these awful things about yourself that I think about myself. And I hate that.

I wanted to lose the baby weight and be healthy. I wanted to learn healthy eating and exercise habits so that I could teach them to you and so you would just grow up with them. It wouldn't be a question, it would just be that way. But I have not learned how to live that way yet. I'm still stumbling around trying to find how to be happy the way I am while still trying to improve myself. And I'm still trying to get those awful voices to shut up.

I do not want this for you. I know that society will more than likely screw up your views of yourself enough, so there is no need for me to do it for you as well.

I'm getting rid of the scale because neither of us need to be concerned with that number. All we need is to be conscious of what we eat and continue to be active.

I'm also vowing to end the negative self talk. I'm sure the internal conversations I have with myself will be more difficult to end, but I can control what comes out of my mouth and that is what I can promise. I can promise to be more positive about what I say about food, exercise and myself.

I don't know if it's too late to change this awful pattern. I don't know if the things I've said have stuck with you. I truly hope not.

I hope that by this change you will grow up to know certain things. Like being beautiful on the inside is more important than being beautiful on the outside, and that you are worth so much more than any number on a scale.

I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense. I hope that you are able to take away from it what my intentions were for writing it. That I love you, no matter what. And that I love me too, no matter what. Love yourself, no matter what. You are beautiful just the way you are.

I love you to the moon and back because you are my sunshine. You are my caterpillar and one day you will be my butterfly.

Love,
Mom

Confessions of a Running Mom

I love my daughter more than anything in this world.

But sometimes I need to get away.

It's not because I don't love her, it's not because being a mom is stressful. It's because sometimes I just need some "me" time. It took me way too long to realize that it's okay to fit in that time for myself as well as be a good mom. It also took me too long to realize that I am good mom.



From my experience, a child does not do this to their dad the way that they do it to their mom. It's the best and most demanding job in the world. I would never trade it for anything, however there are days that I get stressed out and hearing the word mom said 109,765,434,567,898,765,432 times in a 10 minute period of time is exhausting.

I sometimes need to decompress and get away for a small amount of time in order to not allow the stress I feel build up. I'm not perfect and I have more than once taken my daily stress out on Isabel and Patrick. What I try to do in these moments (try being the operative word) is hold it in and when I go for my run or my workout at the gym I let it out there.

Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. But more often than not when I get home I am gratefully greeted by Isabel with a hug and a kiss. It almost seems like she thinks I'm not going to come home so seeing me is extra special. I love being greeted that way and I am going to miss the day when she is too cool to be seen  around me. Thankfully that's years away.

I love my daughter. That is a given and something that will never change. But in recent years I have discovered that I love me, too. And I'm allowed to treat myself to the things I like.

I like working out and I love running. These are things that I do in my "me" time. Yes, occasionally I will go get a pedicure or craft or do something else with that free time, but usually I use it to workout and I'm happy with that decision.

In order to get the most out of my day I find that if I am able to (depending on Patrick's schedule and how I slept the night before) wake up early and go to the gym before work then I feel less guilty about going every day. I know that I am not going while they are awake and it just makes me feel less guilty about wanting to go. But, even on the days that I do have to go after work I know that I am doing something positive for myself and in turn providing positive examples for Isabel.

My gym time is my time with myself. I feel better when I'm able to get a workout in and I'm usually in a better mood, so when I hear the word "mom" a bazillion times in one day I'm usually happy about it. It's nice to know that I can go and do these things (like run and go to the gym) without needing to feel guilty. I'm not choosing myself over my family, I'm just choosing to include my needs and wants with theirs.

And it feels so much better to be in this frame of mind.

It's Official!

I have once and for all decided that I am getting rid of the scale. If I had to pinpoint one part of my weight loss journey that has given me the most emotional and mental anguish it would be that piece of equipment. And so it is time for me to part ways.

I feel as though I can be having a great week. I can eat well and exercise as planned. I can feel great going into Saturday morning and then I step on the scale and it's like nothing positive happened the week before. The workouts don't matter and the eating well and tracking mean nothing if that scale doesn't show progress.

Well that's just not right. Like, at all.

Just because the scale doesn't move doesn't mean that I'm not making progress. And a number on a scale should not dictate how my week went or my mood for the next day or two.

This negative body thing I have going on is not healthy for me mentally or physically and although I am in therapy I feel like I am making very little progress. It's frustrating and irritating and I am so over it.

So I decided that I need to get rid of the one thing that makes it worse.

The mental mind game that comes along with weighing in is too much for me to handle. When I lose I am happy the rest of the day. When I gain I go through a wave of emotions and it includes a lot of verbal abuse towards myself. I feel worthless and pathetic.

I know that I have attempted to stay off of the scale before and have not succeeded in doing so. This time I will actually be removing the scale from our home in order to keep it out of sight and out of mind.

Without knowing my weight I will not be able to track my BMI or my Body Fat %. I think that the less numbers I have to worry about the better. I really just want to be able to focus on my training and my measurements. I want to be physically fit and that may mean that I weigh over an "ideal" weight for my height.

I'm going to track my progress using measurements and taking progress pictures monthly and of course being able to see a change in my endurance fitness-wise. This is so much more important to me and I know that 6 out of 7 days a week. It's just that one day that I weigh in that everything else goes away and I am weighed down by a number that may or may not reflect the work I put into it that week.

The scale can be affected by so many things that it's actually a pretty silly way to track progress. It can fluctuate so much by something as small as sodium. I'm still stumbling around trying to find my way with eating and exercise and how many calories to eat back. It will take a lot of stress off of finding this balance if I can do it without worrying about that number.

And I've already seen proof from others and now myself that the number on the scale doesn't necessarily mean that your body is not changing. I took progress pictures after a 2 and a half month time period. My first picture I weight 181.8 and my second picture, 2 and a half months later I weigh 189. I weigh more, but my measurements are down and I look better (at least in my opinion...) This is huge to me and a much better way of looking at it then by weighing in.

Another part of that is when I look back at my pictures from last year after doing 30 day shred. I think I looked pretty good and yet I was still obsessed with a number that the scale said. I think this go around I don't want to know that number and just base things off of how I feel I look. I could be really happy with my body but not be a certain weight I think I should be at. That weight should be left up to my body to decide after giving it proper exercise and nutrition.

I'm actually pretty excited about this. Without it being in the apartment I won't be tempted to peek. This is going to be a positive thing. I can tell already.

Confessions of a Running Mom

Sometimes when I'm running I will have conversations with myself.

Not out loud.. And I rarely answer myself.

But from time to time I will have these thoughts that pop into my head while I'm running and instead of trying to shut that voice up I go with it and usually end the run feeling refreshed.

Sometimes I think about the things that have happened throughout the week, sometimes I think about the coming week. Usually though my thoughts head towards that part of my past that I am struggling to leave there.

My thoughts and the conversations I have with myself are about Isabel's biological father.

I hope and I pray to whoever is up there that I never have to actually have these conversations, but they are very therapeutic for me in that moment and I am usually able to end the run feeling refreshed.

I can sit here and honestly say that I don't care why he left, I don't care why he's stayed away and I don't care where he is or what he's doing. But at the same time my thoughts while running often go to these things. I rarely got answers for things that happened while in our relationship and even then most of those answers ended up being lies. I really don't know what was truth from that relationship.

So my mind does want to know why he left. Why he stayed away, not from me but from Isabel. And I would love to know where he is and what he's doing (not because I want to see him but because I want to avoid him and I want to know if he has a job and why he's not paying child support).

He currently owes Isabel $ 9,536.47 in child support. His monthly payment is supposed to be $300 a month, but she's lucky if she gets $56 (usually $28 every other week). It automatically goes into her savings account, so there's at least that. It doesn't make up for everything else though. Like preschool and prekindergarten. Swim lessons, art classes, soccer, etc. She's a smart child and I think it benefits her to put her in a variety of classes.

There's other things I think about to.

Like when would be the right time (and what the process would be) to have Patrick legally adopt her. I know that this will end up opening a can of worms and will probably strike his curiosity to be a part of her life. He may try to fight it and ask for rights. He is her birth father and the courts can be weird and they do try to keep families together. So I try to think of the right time to do it so that his rights are limited.

Patrick, Kaleb, Leah, Isabel and I are a family. We're a blended family, but we're a family. Patrick has been in Isabel's life for 4 years and 3 months. Isabel's biological father was in her life for a year and one week. By choice... He never exercised his right to have his visitations.

He doesn't know anything about her...

He doesn't know her favorite show, her favorite movie, her favorite stuffed animal, what she calls her blanket. He doesn't know that she can color in the lines or that she draws very well. He doesn't know that she taught herself to read when she was two years old. He doesn't know her favorite color, her favorite book, her favorite food. He doesn't know that she's seen Turbo in the theaters or that we've seen the Fresh Beat Band in concert. He has missed out on so much wonderful moments. And for what? What is his reason for leaving her and never looking back?

He has a tattoo of her footprints on his chest with her name and birthdate. A birthday gift I gave him a month after she was born. What does he think of when he sees that every single day of his life? What does he tell people? Does he lie and tell them that I took her away from him? Does he feel regret or disappointment in himself for not knowing his child? Is he embarrassed for the person that he is?

It shouldn't matter. And it doesn't.

I know how lucky I am. I know that him leaving was the absolute best thing that could have happened, not just in my life but in Isabel's as well. As her mother I chose who should be in her life after so many people left it. I don't have a doubt in my mind that Patrick and his family were the best people to bring into her life, to help me raise her along with my family.

They bring so much positivity to both of us, so much happiness. I feel like everything worked out. When I was in the moment, when it was all happening, life sucked. I didn't believe that anything would work out. That I was doomed to be a single mom and that I would be heart broken forever. But I'm not. I was able to find out what true love really is. I was given another chance at love.

And what's better is that I was able to give Isabel a family.

As silly as it sounds, I want him to know that. That he lost out on something amazing and that we are so much better off without him. So much better off..

I highly doubt that the thoughts will end. In fact, I hope that they don't, at least not anytime soon. I know that I need to work through these thoughts and like I've said before, running is like therapy.

30 Day Shred

Last year, around this time, I set my mind to complete the complete 30 days of 30 Day Shred.

It was a personal challenge to do it and the timing was perfect because I was trying to lose some inches for my wedding.

I updated daily after each workout and I do believe the results spoke for themselves...


Before                                                                                         After



Original Measurements:
Bust- 38
Waist- 33.5
Hips- 42.5
Arm (left)- 12
Thigh (left)- 24.5

Final Measurements:
Bust- 37.25 (-0.75)
Waist- 31 (-2.5)
Hips- 40 (-2.5)
Arm (left)- 11.5 (-0.5)
Thigh (left)- 23 (-1.5)

That's a total of 7.75 inches lost overall.

I was thrilled with the results. Yet I was still missing something when I looked in the mirror. I didn't see what I wanted to see. The problem was, I couldn't see what was really there because I still saw someone who was bigger, someone who wasn't pretty, someone who wasn't enough.

Fast forward one year and this is my before and my progress picture...

Before                                                                                           After

And these are my current measurements...

Current Measurements:
Bust- 40.5 (+3.25")
Waist- 35 (+4")
Hips- 44.5 (+4.5")
Arm (left)- 12.75 (+1.25")
Thigh (left)- 26.75 (+3.75")

That's a total of 16.75 inches gained overall.

That's not good.

That's not good at all.

I am hoping that with the training that I've already started and will continue to do (running, biking, elliptical, walking, etc) that I can make this a habit that sticks. I'm not doing this for a special occasion (other than to make running easier on my body and especially my knees) so I don't think I will fall off like a crazy married woman who has never eaten food before in her life like I've been doing for the past 10 months.

I would like to do Ripped in 30 five days a week for four weeks at some point, but right now that's not realistic to fit into my schedule. I know that I am on the right track, but I do think that I need to make some drastic changes because two days of strength training a week is not going to help me shed the inches off the way it did last year.

Looking back at my "after" pictures makes me feel two things. When I first saw it my initial reaction was sadness. Sadness in the fact that I'm not there and sadness in the fact that I thought that wasn't good enough because it was. Looking at it I think I look great and I want to get back there.

The second thing I felt was hopeful. Hopeful that I can do this and get back there. Motivated to keep going no matter what happens during the week. I can gain and still stay focused and dedicated. I can skip a workout and get right back to it the next day. I can eat a meal that may not be the healthiest choice and I can track it and eat healthier the rest of the day. These are all choices.

I've made a lot of choices in my life. I mean, every day brings choices.

Today I am choosing my health. I am choosing my fitness. I am choosing to make better, healthier choices so that I can lose the extra weight and run faster and farther and prevent injury. I am choosing to get back into shape. I am choosing to get back to that after picture and then choosing to improve even more from there. I am choosing success!

I am worth this. I am worth the time, the energy, the sweat, the tears. I am worth spending a few hours a week away from my family in order to work on my health. I am worth spending a little more money on healthier food choices. I am worth it!

Not Enough

Food that is.

I've upped my workout routine and, according to my heart rate monitor, I am burning between 1500-2000 calories a day with exercise.

This means that I am supposed to be eating an extra 1500-2000 calories on top of the 1200 calories allotted a day. This seems like it's too much food for a day and I do have concerns about it.

I do not understand calories. I do not understand how one article says to burn more than you eat and another says to eat more to weigh less and that you should be eating those calories back. What I do understand is that when I'm hungry I want to eat and when I work out the way I have been then my appetite increases. I should be (and am trying to) eat back some of those calories the proper way (protein, fruits, veggies, complex carbs, etc) and I know that my body needs that fuel because it is working hard to keep up with my workout routine.

But... I get confused and I don't know what's the right way for me to go. This is where having a nutritionist or personal trainer who helps with nutrition would come in handy.

My first concern is that my heart rate monitor is not working correctly. I have taken my heart rate the old fashioned way a few times now and have compared it to my HRM watch. Every single time it has either said the same number or been 1-2 beats off. I can honestly say that when I go to the gym and spend 30 minutes on the bike or elliptical I am giving it my all. I am not, as Jillian Michaels would say, "phoning it in at the gym".

I'm not burning all of these calories at one time either. Tuesday, for example, looked like this:

4:45am- wake up
5am- quick snack and water
530am- gym (35 min bike, 30 min elliptical)- calories burned 784
7am- work (ate a banana and drank a cup of coffee)
9am- breakfast
10am- 1.37 mile walk (half uphill)- calories burned 215
1030am- snack
1130am- 2.10 mile walk (half uphill)- calories burned 333
1245pm- lunch
430pm- left work
5pm- 35 minute interval run- calories burned 479
615pm- dinner

I finished the day with eating 2200 calories and burning 1792 and I had 792 calories left over. I know that I could have picked better choices (dinner was out at Smashburger where I got a grilled chicken sandwich (yes with cheese!) and sweet potato fries (but I did not eat them all)), but when I got home I just was not hungry.

I am going to try to focus on the good healthy guidelines set by Weight Watchers- fruits & veggies, dairy, multivitamin, whole wheat, protein, healthy oils, etc. I think this will make up for some of those extra calories that I'm not eating, but I know I'm not going to be perfect every day.

I think that as long as I do one thing for the next 2-4 weeks (using the HRM for every workout, tracking, eating as many calories as I am hungry for and not forcing it) then it will be enough time to see if it's working or not. I know that my weight loss may stall for a while due to the intensity of the workouts and I am ready for that.

Right now I keep telling myself (and am believing) that I would much rather have a toned body with less body fat then see the scale get down to 150 (or whatever number in the healthy weight range it stops at). I know that if I continue to make these healthy lifestyle changes then my body is going to follow and I will slim down and have the body I'm working for.

The number on the scale is just one way to measure success. I passed up dessert last night at my in-laws... Success! I have been drinking 10+ glasses of water every day for the past two days... Success! I have tracked every bite, lick and taste for two days... Success! I have not binged for the past two days... Success! I have followed my workout schedule for the past two days... Success!

I need to stop the voices in my head that are confused about the calories in/calories out and just start listening to my body. I mean, if I'm working out, eating well (and to satisfaction) then everything else will fall into place.

This is not a sprint! My body may not see the results in the amount of time I wish. This is a marathon and it's going to take a while to get to that finish line. But I would be lying if I said that it isn't worth every painful step along the way to cross that finish line..

Mental Preparation

Tomorrow is weigh in and I already know I'm going to see a gain.

I know this because I peeked at the scale this morning and it showed that I was up 2 pounds. A lot can change between this morning and tomorrow morning, so I'm doing my best to hope for the best but expect the worst.

This week was difficult for me mentally. I'm working out more which means I should be eating more. This is confusing to me and I'm going to be talking more about it later.

I know that it is expected to see your weight maintain and even gain when you start working out, but that doesn't stop the other half of my brain from talking negatively.

So today I have been and will continue to say the following things to myself:

"You did your best this week"- because in all honesty, I did. I worked out a lot and I made the best choices that I could. Next week I can only strive to be better than this week.

"It's one week"- in the grand scheme of things this one weigh in (or the next three) are not going to matter a year from now. I am making positive changes for my body and if the results don't happen right away it shouldn't be a reason to stop those positive changes.

"4 weeks, 8 weeks, 12 weeks"- I've seen this pin on pinterest before and was reminded of it last night on facebook. It takes 4 weeks for you to notice changes in your body, 8 weeks for your family to notice and 12 weeks for everyone else to notice. I've been at this for 1 week. I cannot expect to see a difference yet or anytime in the near future.

"The scale is not the only measurement of success"- I took my measurements yesterday and I have lost inches in every single area. The overall number on the scale is also down. And I have been consistent with my workouts and have tracked my mileage. That's a lot of miles overall.

I am going to hope that saying these things today will help keep me from being upset tomorrow. I can pretty much guarantee that there will be some disappointment, but if I am able to just allow this to be one week, one weigh in on this life long journey then it really won't matter.

And it will make the losses that are bound to happen that much more appreciated.

Confessions of a Running Mom

Everything in my life changed the day I found out that I was going to be a mom. Everything.

My life as a twenty-one year old went from going out almost every night with friends to figuring out how I was going to be able to afford a child. From bottles of alcohol to bottles of milk. From being selfish and spoiled to caring about nothing else but this small human being that I helped create.

Nothing else mattered. Especially not my needs. And since I had very little help from Isabel's father I didn't really have a choice.

I don't say that for pity, I say it because I chose for it to be that way. I didn't ask for help because I could handle it all. It was just the way it was. I accepted it.

So it took me a while to understand that I need to take care of me too. To do things that I enjoy too. To take a break every once in a while.

Losing weight and getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight was important to me, but not as important as other things. Like Isabel. And sleep. I didn't workout like crazy. I didn't focus on eating well. I lost some weight, but not much. It wasn't until I became a single mom that I put more of an effort towards my body. I mean, that was an obvious reason as to why he left, especially because he told me as much. If I couldn't keep the father of my child who saw me at my very worst, how could I attract anyone with the body I had.

So I became obsessed and lost the weight and then some. I still wasn't happy with my body because pregnancy and c-sections do crazy things, but I was at least at an "ideal" weight and an "ideal" size.

Running came into my life on my 25th birthday. Well, it was a small part of my life before then, but I crossed my first finish line on that day and I have not looked back since. But it hasn't always been easy.

Confessions of a Running Mom is going to be my place to write down some of the things I think about while I'm out on a run. A place to talk about the guilt I feel when I choose to go for a run or to the gym instead of going straight home after work. The feeling I get when I leave for a workout and she has to say goodbye three times before I leave and run into my arms when I get home after an hour like I've been gone for a year.

I have been very lucky with the support I've received from family members, especially my parents and my husband. But emotionally it hasn't always been easy and I have fallen victim to the guilt more than a few times and have skipped a run in order to stay home with her.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who have more responsibilities than I do who are able to do a lot more than I am, but I know that having a place to write down these thoughts and feelings will be beneficial for me. I am only human and can only do so much in a day, but I have to make myself a priority as well as my children and family. There is no argument that when I am working out and eating healthy then I am a happier person all around. And what husband and child doesn't want a happy wife and mom?

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 188.8
Last week's weight: 186.2
This week's weight: 185.4
This week +/-: -0.8
Total +/-: -3.4

I woke up this morning thinking that it was weigh in day, so I stepped on the scale and was both shocked and happily surprised by what I saw. But, I have a confession. I don't think I deserve this loss. I don't feel like I've been going too crazy with my eating, but I have not been tracking. At all.

I kind of fell off of the tracking/working out wagon and I'm trying to climb back on. I made a workout schedule for next week (that I will post tomorrow) and I am really looking forward to it. It seems like a lot, but it's really not that much and I know I can handle it. I have got to push myself in order to see the changes and I know that I am just an all around happier person when I am working out.

Tracking is such a simple thing to do. I have the app on my phone and have access to a computer at home and at work, so there really is no excuse. I will be tracking everything starting today and will post my menu's once a month so as not to get burnt out on doing that as well.

As far as the eating goes, I am hoping that since I am starting to train for all of the races I have scheduled that the eating healthy will become a priority and I can focus on fruits, veggies, protein, healthy fats and complex carbs. No more fast food or processed crap. It may be easier (and less calories) to grab a 100 calorie pre packaged snack, but it would be better for my body to grab a measured portion of nuts or veggies with hummus.

The workouts scheduled are hopefully going to burn both calories and fat and I do intend to stick with the My Fitness Pal way of thinking, eat more to weigh less. But again, I need to eat those calories the proper way- more ounces of chicken, whole wheat pasta or brown rice, etc.

It's all a choice and up until now I have been making the wrong choices.

So my decision is to get serious about this to earn my results, not just luck out in losing almost a pound when it may not have been deserved. It's appreciated, but not deserved. I know that I may see a stall in the scale continuing to go down once I start to work out again, but that's a part of the process and it's a reason as to why I am also focusing on measurements, body fat % and BMI.

Being so close to the first of the month I am getting a little antsy to check my BMI and my Body Fat %. I know that it's not going to have changed drastically since my beginning numbers are from a weight that I was at not that long ago, but it will be nice to see progress. I have decided to use an app on my phone to check both. I am fairly certain they are both accurate, however I would prefer to stick with the same calculator then different ones each month.

I am also looking forward to taking my measurements. I don't think that there will be much of a difference between last month and this month on these as well, but you really never know until you actually take the measurements.

I am so ready to see progress and to put in that work that is needed. I really think the negative experience I had with the personal trainer may have given me that extra push I needed. I know I shouldn't be doing this for anyone else but myself, but I find very little more motivating than someone telling me I can't. Granted she didn't say that I can't do it, but the whole situation just pushed me to that point that I want to prove to everyone (myself included) that I can and will do this on my own.

Confession

Confession time. And I hate admitting this. But... I am not trying to lose weight, be healthy or get in shape for me. I am doing this because four and a half years ago my fiance and the father of my child left me after years of mental, physical, emotional and financial abuse. It has taken me this long to realize that more than likely he was the one who led me down this path of very self destructive abuse to my body and mind. I was not good enough for him, therefore I am not good enough for anyone. He cheated on me, therefore I am not worth someone staying loyal to me. I could not keep him, therefore I am not attractive enough.

Those are just a few of the insane things I have said to myself repeatedly. It's like the same song playing over and over and over again.

"You're fat. You're ugly. You are not pretty. No one loves you. You are not worth it. You are a piece of shit. You are a horrible mother. You will be cheated on again. Why do you even try to lose weight, it's not going to happen. Why are you bothering to work out, no one thinks it's making a difference. Your husband is going to cheat on you if he's not already. As soon as you start to trust someone, they will hurt you. It doesn't matter what race you run, it will never be good enough."

That's not even the worst of it...

Back to my point. I think I realized that as crazy as it sounds (because I don't really care what he thinks), I want to lose this weight so that I can say that I am good enough and that he made a mistake leaving. One of those vain "Look what you're missing out on" type of feelings. That's 1. not healthy and 2. absoutely ridiculous. I do not need to care what he thinks and I hope that I never have to see him again in my lifetime. So it's pointless to do this for him or anyone else.

The only way I am going to find success is if I set myself up for success and if I do this for me. I want to lose weight because I want to be happy and so that I can spend more time with my children. I want to lose weight so that I can reach my fitness goals. I want to physically be in the best shape of my life so that I can reach all of my running goals. I am going to find success because I am committed to making the necessary changes to make myself happier and healthier.

It's not a sure thing, but I really think that it's a step in the right direction to admit that this is a problem. And it is a problem even if it doesn't make any sense as to why I feel that way. I am learning and I am growing as a person and the sooner I realize these things the better. ---