I keep trying new things that last a day or two and then I give up. I'm either not strong enough, not patient enough, I don't have enough self control, etc. In all of these new things I realize that I am not enough.
This post is more of a ramble than any realization I could make. I have no profound thoughts. I also may be two glasses of wine in and am not quite sure what will come out of this.
I got rid of the scale almost two months ago. The first month went by and I felt great. I was learning how to appreciate my body the way that it is. I felt happy. Genuinely. The problem? I wasn't watching what I was eating. I fell into old habit with my eating, stopped going to the gym and expected things to change for the better.
I know this doesn't work, but isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
After hearing good reviews about Intuitive Eating and the The Body Image Workbook, I decided to buy them. I started with the workbook. I took the initial quizzes to see where I was starting at. I reverted back to the negative self talk. I started hating my body again.
At this time I had also done a little online shopping. I have decided that I wanted some more work appropriate outfits and ordered in a size 12, the size I have been wearing that has been fitting comfortably.
The orders have been arriving over the past couple days. They are all tight. Not horribly (well, not according to Patrick), but it's just not what I wanted or what I was hoping for.
I am so disappointed. In the clothes, in my body, in myself.
But no one can change it but myself.
So, once again.. I'm back at it. Starting tonight I plan on continuing to read Intuitive Eating. Starting tomorrow I plan to get back to working out, and more than just running. I also plan on having more self control in regards to my eating.
I can do this..
Maybe if I say it enough I will actually start to believe it.
No comments:
Post a Comment