I did my absolute best to wait until she went to bed Sunday night before needing to be hugged and calmed down by Patrick. He's so good with my irrational break downs... I sobbed into his shoulder trying to explain how I had gone the past 5 years fighting to keep her with me and now I'm just sending her off. He told me that it was a part of being a parent and that everything would be okay.
I took the entire day off from work so that I could drop her off and pick her up and spend some extra time with her since my work schedule is going to be pretty odd now that she is in school. Since Patrick works in retail he does not have a set schedule so some mornings I will have to take her to school and other mornings he will take her. Her school doesn't allow drop offs until 7:45am, meaning that I won't get to work until 8:15-8:30 depending on traffic. My normal 7:30-4:30 shifts won't work on those days, so I will be working 8:30-5:30. I don't really like this because there will be more traffic both on the way to work and on the way home, but it does mean that we get to spend an hour together in the mornings getting ready for school and that I get to take her to school. These are important moments here.
Having this schedule also means that my workout schedule needs some retouching. There is no way that I can justify going to the gym after getting home on those days that I take Isabel to school. I wouldn't get home until after 7pm and after showers, dinner, etc I would only see her for a half hour. We're trying to get her into bed no later than 8. That's not enough for me. So for now I will be doing some at home workouts and trying to make up the miles on the weekends and on the days that Patrick closes or is off.
I tried to use my day off the best I could. My car was up for scheduled maintenance so I made an appointment to drop it off in the morning. What I thought would be an $80 visit ended up starting at $310 since my car is almost at 60,000 miles and I "needed" the blue service. So many services were being thrown at me which meant $$$. I decided to get the bare minimum that I could which was the estimated $310 service.
That's what I thought about when I ran from the Toyota dealership to my parents house. For 5.07 miles I thought about money and how frustrating it is to start to feel ahead financially and then get knocked down a peg or two. I wasn't really stressing that badly because we had the money in our checking account, but it would be a drain on it since Patrick also had to pay child support. I apologized to him for the inconvenience (he quickly text back that there was no reason to apologize) and then I went on my merry way.
Then I got a call that the water pump was leaking coolant and that it would cost another $300 some odd dollars. Frick on a stick! Okay, fine. It has to be fixed because that's obviously not good... I figured I could transfer some money around and we could pay it back on payday. No big deal. Another apology and another it's okay. And of course something else was found to be broken. Not quite sure what, but it was cracked and needed to be replaced. Thankfully I wasn't charged for service, just the part, but a total of $792 later and my car was back in my possession.
I cannot begin to express my gratitude to my parents. My sister and I were very fortunate growing up and as soon as we graduated from high school we were told that we had a college fund. I am so grateful to my parents for setting this up and have in turn learned that it's something that needs to be done early for my own children. Each of our three kids have an account and although they are not as much as I would like, they are slowly growing and it means a lot to me to be able to at least help my children reach their dreams. There happened to be money left over in this account that I had decided to keep in the account in case I wanted to get a car or home loan through the credit union. My mom suggested I take the money out of that account and put it towards my car. Such a relief to not have to stress about it! I ended up taking enough to pay for the car and a little extra (just in case it ended up costing more) and put the extra into our house savings.
The added expense was unfortunate and unexpected, but I didn't freak out and I think that is such a huge step in the right direction. Patrick and I are still in the beginning stages of finding our footing when it comes to our finances and although we're not where we would like to be, we are on our way and I think the potential is endless. In fact, we're discussing having a garage sale at my parents in order to bring in some extra money for our house and/or car savings accounts. Responsibility!
Today is the second day of school and oddly enough it was more difficult today than it was yesterday. I think mainly for the fact that I knew that I wasn't going to be picking her up or seeing her until later tonight. I basically dropped her off, said goodbye and had to leave in order to make it to work. It was difficult to walk away, difficult to see her through the gate (and running to me for one more kiss), difficult to drive away thinking that she will most likely line up in the wrong line again. I have to kind of let go though. It's not in my control anymore and I feel comfortable with the teachers and the yard supervisor to get her where she needs to go.
It has been helping to journal. I think that it's something that will be a nice surprise for her when she graduates from high school and since I'm including photos and stuff it will be nice to look back on together. I asked her questions yesterday about her favorites and what she wants to be when she grows up and I think it will be nice to see her answers change as the years go by. I also found a really sentimental poem that hit home that I included for today's entry:
"I wonder what you're doing right now,
and if everyone is treating you kind.
I home there is a special person,
a nice friend that you can find.
I wonder if the teacher knows
just how special you are to me.
And if the brightness of your hear
is something she can see.
I wonder if you are thinking about me,
and if you need a hug.
I already miss the sound of your voice
and how you give my leg a tug.
I wonder if you could possibly understand
how hard it is for me to let you grow.
On this day know that my heart breaks,
for this is the first step in letting my baby go."
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