Dear Bug,
I have so many hopes and dreams for you for your future. I hope that you are happy. I hope that you find love. I hope that you have friends that treat you well. I hope you can pursue your passions. I hope that you have enough in life to keep you happy but not so much that you don't appreciate it. I hope that you are a hard and smart worker. I hope you are kind to others. I hope that you bring happiness to others.
There is something else I wish for you... I wish that you are happy with your body. I wish that you don't grow up with the negative feelings about your body the way I do about mine.
I grew up thinking that my mom was confident with herself and her body. To be honest, when I was your age I didn't know the difference between skinny or fat. People were the way they were and it didn't really matter. I'm sure I noticed the differences, but it wasn't something I spent that much time thinking about.
As I got older I quickly realized that my mom was extremely negative about her body. She was concerned about the way it looked and was constantly trying to cover herself up. Too self conscious to put on a bathing suit, our summers were rarely spent by the pool or at the beach and when we did go to those places she rarely enjoyed herself.
I noticed those things. And I hated it. I hated hearing her speak so negatively about someone I loved so much. I hated trying to tell her that she was beautiful, that she was not fat, that no one else saw the things she saw.
I don't know how it happened or exactly when it happened but there came a point in time that I began to notice my body. I think it was around high school. I thought that I wasn't enough. I wasn't smart enough, or cool enough, or athletic enough, or skinny enough. I'm not sure who I was comparing myself to or who I wasn't enough for, but those thoughts took over so many other more important thoughts (like math, or english).
After those thoughts entered my mind it became extremely difficult to get them out and it continues to be a daily struggle.
Even when I was at my lowest weight I wasn't happy with my body. Most likely because it was more of an internal issue more so than an external one. And then my body changed drastically when I was pregnant with you.
It's taken me over 5 years to actually appreciate what my body had to do in order to have you. I am well aware that the amount of weigh I gained while pregnant was not necessary and was because of no self control rather than of need for you, but my body did change and I have to learn to look at those changes as a positive thing. I have stretch marks because my stomach had to grow in order for you to fit in there. My stomach had to be cut open in order for you to come into this world and it will never look the same, but it had to be that way.
After you were born I vowed that I would not do what my mom did. I vowed that I would be confident and I would never speak negatively about myself in front of you.
My goodness, how I have failed.
It is because of me that you know what a scale is. It is because of me that you stand on that scale when you come into my bathroom. It is because of me that you are aware that the scale can cause me to feel so many awful emotions. It is because of me that you may one day grow up to think these awful things about yourself that I think about myself. And I hate that.
I wanted to lose the baby weight and be healthy. I wanted to learn healthy eating and exercise habits so that I could teach them to you and so you would just grow up with them. It wouldn't be a question, it would just be that way. But I have not learned how to live that way yet. I'm still stumbling around trying to find how to be happy the way I am while still trying to improve myself. And I'm still trying to get those awful voices to shut up.
I do not want this for you. I know that society will more than likely screw up your views of yourself enough, so there is no need for me to do it for you as well.
I'm getting rid of the scale because neither of us need to be concerned with that number. All we need is to be conscious of what we eat and continue to be active.
I'm also vowing to end the negative self talk. I'm sure the internal conversations I have with myself will be more difficult to end, but I can control what comes out of my mouth and that is what I can promise. I can promise to be more positive about what I say about food, exercise and myself.
I don't know if it's too late to change this awful pattern. I don't know if the things I've said have stuck with you. I truly hope not.
I hope that by this change you will grow up to know certain things. Like being beautiful on the inside is more important than being beautiful on the outside, and that you are worth so much more than any number on a scale.
I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense. I hope that you are able to take away from it what my intentions were for writing it. That I love you, no matter what. And that I love me too, no matter what. Love yourself, no matter what. You are beautiful just the way you are.
I love you to the moon and back because you are my sunshine. You are my caterpillar and one day you will be my butterfly.
Love,
Mom
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