Confessions of a Running Mom

Sometimes when I'm running I will have conversations with myself.

Not out loud.. And I rarely answer myself.

But from time to time I will have these thoughts that pop into my head while I'm running and instead of trying to shut that voice up I go with it and usually end the run feeling refreshed.

Sometimes I think about the things that have happened throughout the week, sometimes I think about the coming week. Usually though my thoughts head towards that part of my past that I am struggling to leave there.

My thoughts and the conversations I have with myself are about Isabel's biological father.

I hope and I pray to whoever is up there that I never have to actually have these conversations, but they are very therapeutic for me in that moment and I am usually able to end the run feeling refreshed.

I can sit here and honestly say that I don't care why he left, I don't care why he's stayed away and I don't care where he is or what he's doing. But at the same time my thoughts while running often go to these things. I rarely got answers for things that happened while in our relationship and even then most of those answers ended up being lies. I really don't know what was truth from that relationship.

So my mind does want to know why he left. Why he stayed away, not from me but from Isabel. And I would love to know where he is and what he's doing (not because I want to see him but because I want to avoid him and I want to know if he has a job and why he's not paying child support).

He currently owes Isabel $ 9,536.47 in child support. His monthly payment is supposed to be $300 a month, but she's lucky if she gets $56 (usually $28 every other week). It automatically goes into her savings account, so there's at least that. It doesn't make up for everything else though. Like preschool and prekindergarten. Swim lessons, art classes, soccer, etc. She's a smart child and I think it benefits her to put her in a variety of classes.

There's other things I think about to.

Like when would be the right time (and what the process would be) to have Patrick legally adopt her. I know that this will end up opening a can of worms and will probably strike his curiosity to be a part of her life. He may try to fight it and ask for rights. He is her birth father and the courts can be weird and they do try to keep families together. So I try to think of the right time to do it so that his rights are limited.

Patrick, Kaleb, Leah, Isabel and I are a family. We're a blended family, but we're a family. Patrick has been in Isabel's life for 4 years and 3 months. Isabel's biological father was in her life for a year and one week. By choice... He never exercised his right to have his visitations.

He doesn't know anything about her...

He doesn't know her favorite show, her favorite movie, her favorite stuffed animal, what she calls her blanket. He doesn't know that she can color in the lines or that she draws very well. He doesn't know that she taught herself to read when she was two years old. He doesn't know her favorite color, her favorite book, her favorite food. He doesn't know that she's seen Turbo in the theaters or that we've seen the Fresh Beat Band in concert. He has missed out on so much wonderful moments. And for what? What is his reason for leaving her and never looking back?

He has a tattoo of her footprints on his chest with her name and birthdate. A birthday gift I gave him a month after she was born. What does he think of when he sees that every single day of his life? What does he tell people? Does he lie and tell them that I took her away from him? Does he feel regret or disappointment in himself for not knowing his child? Is he embarrassed for the person that he is?

It shouldn't matter. And it doesn't.

I know how lucky I am. I know that him leaving was the absolute best thing that could have happened, not just in my life but in Isabel's as well. As her mother I chose who should be in her life after so many people left it. I don't have a doubt in my mind that Patrick and his family were the best people to bring into her life, to help me raise her along with my family.

They bring so much positivity to both of us, so much happiness. I feel like everything worked out. When I was in the moment, when it was all happening, life sucked. I didn't believe that anything would work out. That I was doomed to be a single mom and that I would be heart broken forever. But I'm not. I was able to find out what true love really is. I was given another chance at love.

And what's better is that I was able to give Isabel a family.

As silly as it sounds, I want him to know that. That he lost out on something amazing and that we are so much better off without him. So much better off..

I highly doubt that the thoughts will end. In fact, I hope that they don't, at least not anytime soon. I know that I need to work through these thoughts and like I've said before, running is like therapy.