Confession

Confession time. And I hate admitting this. But... I am not trying to lose weight, be healthy or get in shape for me. I am doing this because four and a half years ago my fiance and the father of my child left me after years of mental, physical, emotional and financial abuse. It has taken me this long to realize that more than likely he was the one who led me down this path of very self destructive abuse to my body and mind. I was not good enough for him, therefore I am not good enough for anyone. He cheated on me, therefore I am not worth someone staying loyal to me. I could not keep him, therefore I am not attractive enough.

Those are just a few of the insane things I have said to myself repeatedly. It's like the same song playing over and over and over again.

"You're fat. You're ugly. You are not pretty. No one loves you. You are not worth it. You are a piece of shit. You are a horrible mother. You will be cheated on again. Why do you even try to lose weight, it's not going to happen. Why are you bothering to work out, no one thinks it's making a difference. Your husband is going to cheat on you if he's not already. As soon as you start to trust someone, they will hurt you. It doesn't matter what race you run, it will never be good enough."

That's not even the worst of it...

Back to my point. I think I realized that as crazy as it sounds (because I don't really care what he thinks), I want to lose this weight so that I can say that I am good enough and that he made a mistake leaving. One of those vain "Look what you're missing out on" type of feelings. That's 1. not healthy and 2. absoutely ridiculous. I do not need to care what he thinks and I hope that I never have to see him again in my lifetime. So it's pointless to do this for him or anyone else.

The only way I am going to find success is if I set myself up for success and if I do this for me. I want to lose weight because I want to be happy and so that I can spend more time with my children. I want to lose weight so that I can reach my fitness goals. I want to physically be in the best shape of my life so that I can reach all of my running goals. I am going to find success because I am committed to making the necessary changes to make myself happier and healthier.

It's not a sure thing, but I really think that it's a step in the right direction to admit that this is a problem. And it is a problem even if it doesn't make any sense as to why I feel that way. I am learning and I am growing as a person and the sooner I realize these things the better. ---