Tale of the Scale

While on the Weight Watchers message boards a while ago a fellow "boardie" asked the following question:

"When it comes to losing weight, do you base your weight loss success more on :

1.) the number on the scale
2.) how your clothes fit
3.) how you feel
4.) your energy level"

The question really hit home with me due to my past obsession and love/hate relationship with my scale.

For me, I used to base my weight loss success solely on the number I saw when I stood on the scale. It didn't matter how I did during the week, what I ate or how much I exercised. None of that mattered if I didn't see the number I wanted. I was focusing on being "skinny" not being "healthy".

After I started training for the marathon I realized that it was more important to me to focus on training, while still eating healthy, but not necessarily putting as much energy towards it. That slowly evolved into me not tracking at all and not paying any attention to what I was putting in my body. I was burning so many calories while I was training that I got into the mindset that I could eat whatever I wanted and believe me, I did.

At that time I still felt great. My clothes fit fairly well, but the number on the scale wouldn't move or would go up. It was frustrating because I was running so much that it should have outweighed the damage I was doing. It didn't. And although I physically felt great, each week I would mentally beat myself up after seeing that number on the scale.

I realized at some point that the number on the scale is just that, a number. It doesn't define me as a person. It doesn't make me a good person. It doesn't make me a good wife or mother. It doesn't define me and it shouldn't define my happiness. It doesn't mean anything... unless I allow it to. That number shouldn't mean anything when I can look in the mirror and have even the slightest bit of confidence, something that I rarely have.

When the marathon was over and my training schedule involved a lot less mileage my eating habits should have followed and changed as well. They did not. Excuse after excuse was used. I could come up with any excuse to not exercise and the line I used most often was that I would start over tomorrow.. Tomorrow turned into almost 3 months before I had had enough.

I came to that realization over a year ago. Since then it has been one hell of an emotional and physical roller coaster. I felt great with myself for a short period of time. I was running, eating better and I completed the full 30 Day Shred workout DVD. My body was looking so much better and my self esteem was improving with my body.

But the motivation went away shortly before our wedding in October of last year. I was working out like crazy before my final dress alteration and then I realized that I couldn't focus on losing inches anymore because I didn't want my dress falling off of me as I walked down the aisle (a stupid fear, I know). I was still losing weight up until the day of the wedding because the stress will do that to you. I literally did not have an appetite for that final week leading up to the "I Do's".

We went on our honeymoon and my mentality went from "I have to look fabulous in my dress" to "I want to eat ALL THE THINGS!!!" And boy did I!

Since then my motivation and my weight have literally gone from zero to extreme and back to zero so many times that I have lost count. It's embarrassing to say the least that I have lost control of myself and cannot get myself back to where I want to be.

I feel like I'm back to being dependent on what the scale says and I've been here for a while. I'll weigh myself every morning. I'll question why I see a gain. Sometimes it's clear (what I ate the night before, how much sodium I've had, how many meals included carbs, etc) but sometimes I can have a really good week and still see a gain. And then there are other times (like recently) when I stay off of the scale altogether.

I'd really like to get back to not caring about the number and caring about how I feel. I need to remember that when I gain a pound (or any amount for that matter) that it's not the end of the world and most likely other people can't/don't notice it the way I do. Same with losing. People are not going to notice.

I know that I was happier when the number on the scale was just a number. And I'm really hoping to get back to that place soon.

Starting Monday I will weigh myself once a week to track my progress. I'm going to try to use the number as a way to measure and not let it define me depending on what it says. I'm a little nervous to see what that first weigh in will bring for me mentally, but I need to take that first step in order to know where I'm starting. I'm looking forward to starting this journey to a healthier me!