One Month Scale Free

It has been exactly one month since I have stepped on a scale.

I haven't really thought much about it and for some reason decided to look back to when I wrote my post regarding getting rid of the scale. It was on August 10th and I had weighed myself the day before. It was the last time I stepped on a scale and I have not looked back since.

I know that this way of thinking is not recommended for everyone, and I am in no way suggesting that other people do what I did, but I cannot believe the transformation I have made internally in such a short amount of time.

I decided to get rid of the scale because it was literally taking over my life. I had talked about it in therapy but was not finding what I needed in regards to figuring out why it was such a huge factor in measuring success. I cannot recall a time in my childhood that I was overweight or that weight was an issue. I was the smallest in my family weight wise and never thought anything of it. It wasn't until I was older that I started to really hear my mom talk negatively about herself. There are a few moments that I could pinpoint, but nothing drastic that should send me into a tailspin of self hatred.

But I was heading towards rock bottom in regards to the negativity I spoke about myself. I would say something awful in my head and then believe it until I spoke it aloud. Then I would hate myself even more. Poor Patrick had to deal with my waves of emotions when it came to my body and self image and was constantly trying to pick me up while I overtook his efforts and tore myself back down.

What's worse is that I said these things in front of Isabel. My worst fear as a parent is that my daughter will grow up with these negative body images. I know that it will more than likely happen, but I'm supposed to be the one to protect her, not teach her these behaviors.

When I realized that it was the scale that brought me down more than anything I decided to quit using it as a tool to measure success. It's not the only way to see the progress you are making and yet I was allowing that number to be the end all be all.

It was draining thinking about weighing in. It was draining feeling so great one minute and then so down the next all because there wasn't progress or it wasn't enough or worst of all I had gained. There were way too many factors that were affecting the scale and it was just, well, overwhelming.

I couldn't continue to justify gains. I had worked out and done strength training, gain. I had a lot of sodium, gain. It was that time of the month, gain. It was a full moon, gain. I just got out of the shower and my hair is wet, gain. The scale is not positioned in the correct location, gain.

Mind games.

In this past month I have used measurements as a way to track changes in my body. This past month I gained an inch in my waist, stayed the same in my hips and ended up losing in my arms, thighs and bust. I didn't spiral out of control when I saw that I had gained an inch. It was an amazing change to how I would have reacted weekly (or multiple times a week depending on how often I stepped on the scale) when I weighed in.

I asked Patrick the other night if he could tell a difference in my attitude towards myself and he said yes, with excitement. I feel as though he no longer has to pick me up when I hit the bottom. He no longer has to pry the food from my hands when I go overboard. He no longer has to constantly compliment me in order to keep my spirits up and the voices in my head at bay (although the compliments don't have to stop.. Hint Hint).

I did also ask him if he could tell a difference in my body. I didn't really want to ask the question because in all honesty he sees me every day and most likely will not notice a small difference the way I would, but alas my old habit did sneak back in. I didn't really get the answer I had hoped for. But I didn't freak out. I didn't try to justify his answer and point out the changes I could see until he agreed with me. Instead I took his answer for what it was, the truth of what he could see.

I can see a difference in my body. I am appreciating it more. I am looking at it from a whole different perspective. I am enjoying what I'm eating. I am enjoying what I'm wearing. I am enjoying working out. I am enjoying the changes that are occurring. I am enjoying the freedom that I have right now. I am not stressed about food. I am not stressed about weight. I am not stressed about calories or points. I am just feeling genuinely happy.

I am going to believe that these changes are because I no longer own a scale. That is the only thing that has changed. I no longer track my food because it was getting too complicated trying to find the balance of how many calories to eat back. I find that if I eat when I am hungry and eat the healthiest choices I can while still enjoying the unhealthy foods every once in a while then I don't feel deprived and actually find that my body is improving.

I don't know what I way and I don't have any desire to. I'm going to keep running, keep eating well, keep strength training and keep losing inches. Some months will be better than others. Some days will be awesome some won't. As long as I keep trying and keep improving health wise and as a person over all then I feel like I am doing something right.

I just feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. I'm not stressing and I am enjoying life. And my body freaking rocks!!

Currently

Loving: My home. Although it's not as big as I'd like (or we need sometimes), it is enough. I know that by us staying in a smaller apartment we are saving money to eventually buy a house. I've often thought about us renting a three bedroom apartment while we save for a house, but to be honest the thought of packing, unpacking and the extra money we'd be paying a month just does not seem worth it to me. Instead I feel as though our apartment can be decorated and the furniture arranged to be our home. There is nothing better than coming home to a clean apartment and enjoying the patio that has plants and flowers. I love having our books and miscellaneous decor set just right. There's something calming about it.

Reading: I am reading House Rules by Jodi Picoult. Although her books tend to be about difficult topics (such as suicide, cancer, school shootings, etc) there is something about them that draws me in. I have read a few of her books so far and hope to finishih reading all of them (I just have to finish my collection) because they are so well written. I have yet to be disappointed and I really do think she is my favorite author. This book so far has grabbed my attention from the very first page. I have enjoyed reading before bed, on the patio with a glass of wine and I definitely enjoy reading it while on the stationary bike at the gym.

Watching: Patrick and I just finished watching the second season of Sherlock (the BBC version). I've seen all of the episodes before, but he had only watched the first episode with me. I finally talked him into watching the last two episodes. And now we do the waiting game before the next season premieres sometime in 2014. This is one of my all time favorite television shows, so it's difficult to accept that the seasons are only three episodes each and that it takes a year or two between seasons. In the meantime I will have to try to find something to hold my attention. Maybe I'll continue watching How I Met Your Mother on DVD or even finish up the last few seasons I have on DVD for Grey's Anatomy. I'm not a huge fan of most things on TV right now and it takes me quite a while to start something new, including a new movie, so it might just be the same old things for now.

Anticipating: Patrick and I will be going to two concerts this month. The first is tomorrow in Santa Barbara. Patrick bought tickets for us to go see Jason Mraz for my birthday in March. He is one of my favorite artists and the gift was greatly appreciated (even if I had to wait almost 6 months to enjoy it). I know that this is not really his type of music, so the fact that he is willing to go spend the day with me listening to it is pretty amazing if you ask me. To return the favor (and because no one else was able to go with him), I bought Patrick tickets for us to go see Iron Maiden and Megadeth on September 13th. This is his type of music and definitely not mine, so it's a pretty even trade off. I told him my number one rule was that I would not partake in any mosh pits and that I may require earplugs and a lot of alcohol. I just felt so bad when his brother said he couldn't go. I know this is something he's been looking forward to since he found out they were going to be in concert nearby.

Planning: Patrick and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary next month. I absolutely cannot believe that it has been a year already and I think that, even though we've had a few hiccups along the way, we are more in love now then we were a year ago. I truly believe that our wedding was perfect and there is nothing that I would have done differently. Not one thing. We have briefly discussed what we would like to do for the weekend of our anniversary, but we are on a tight budget because we are saving to buy a house so most likely we will end up going to a nice dinner and a cheap movie. Nothing too big and fancy, but then again that's not the type of people we are. I did suggest staying in a hotel for the night of our anniversary, but even that seems a little unnecessary. We'll see though. Maybe we'll find a good deal this month for something close by that we can enjoy together.

Working on: My new craft project. I have really been enjoying putting together medal and bib holders and am seriously thinking about trying to sell them at a local craft show close to Christmas. It will probably have to wait until next year so that I can figure out the best technique to use for the best results and so that I can make quite a few to sell. I am really interested in some extra income for our household and I really enjoy crafting. I briefly thought about making and selling scarves, but to be honest I see a bigger market for these signs because I have never seen them at any of the craft fairs or holidy shows around here. I think they would make great gifts for the runners in people's lives and I am actually planning on making them for my best friend, my sister and my niece for Christmas this year. I think that the DIY gifts are going to be big for us this year because of our tight budget, but sometimes those homemade gifts are the best kind.

Wishing: That Patrick and I could catch a break. I know that what we're doing is the right way and we will end up appreciating it more because we worked so damn hard to get what we want, but sometimes it's difficult to watch our friends and family get things handed to them. I really do understand that things happen for a reason and I know that one day we will have our dream home and a new car but it's not meant to be right now.

Measurements
Arm (L):
Last month: 12.75"
This month: 12.5"
Difference: -.25"

Thigh (L):
Last month: 26.75"
This month: 26.25"
Difference: -.5"

Bust:

Last month: 40.5"

This month: 40"

Difference: -.5"

Waist:

Last month: 35"

This month: 36"

Difference: +1"

Hips:

Last month: 44.5"

This month: 44.5"

Difference: 0

Progress Pictures:

Last month: 

This month:

Thoughts: I'm actually pretty happy with the results considering I didn't do as well as I could have. Taking measurements is definitely a different experience than weighing myself weekly. These results I can live with and not stress about or let take over my emotions. I know that since I just recently started strength training that I can expect to see better results next month. I also feel as though my progress pictures are similar, but improving. I am really a lot happier with what I see in the mirror these days.

Net Worth:
Last month: (as of 8/1/13)- $20,593.46
This month: (as of 8/31/13)- $20,187.87
Difference: -405.59

This month was kind of weird for us regarding net worth. While I was out of work with my wrist I had to write a check every two weeks for my health insurance. They just deposited all six checks this month. Although the money was in the account, it made the net worth take a hit doing it all at once. There was also the fact that the child support Patrick pays normally gets taken directly out of his paycheck but recently has not been. He had to pay for all of July and half of August this month. Another hit. There was also my car maintenance. Hit! And I signed Isabel up for swim lessons.. Hit..

You've sunk my battleship.

These are not normal things that happen monthly, so I feel as though we're doing well even if our net worth doesn't show it. We had the money for these things and didn't stress about them. That's a huge success in my opinion. We were able to transfer money to all of our savings and we currently have money left over from our last paycheck. Enough to not stress and probably transfer some extra over to our house savings again. I feel good about things financially, even if we're still on the uphill climb to get where we want to be.

It's Official!

I have once and for all decided that I am getting rid of the scale. If I had to pinpoint one part of my weight loss journey that has given me the most emotional and mental anguish it would be that piece of equipment. And so it is time for me to part ways.

I feel as though I can be having a great week. I can eat well and exercise as planned. I can feel great going into Saturday morning and then I step on the scale and it's like nothing positive happened the week before. The workouts don't matter and the eating well and tracking mean nothing if that scale doesn't show progress.

Well that's just not right. Like, at all.

Just because the scale doesn't move doesn't mean that I'm not making progress. And a number on a scale should not dictate how my week went or my mood for the next day or two.

This negative body thing I have going on is not healthy for me mentally or physically and although I am in therapy I feel like I am making very little progress. It's frustrating and irritating and I am so over it.

So I decided that I need to get rid of the one thing that makes it worse.

The mental mind game that comes along with weighing in is too much for me to handle. When I lose I am happy the rest of the day. When I gain I go through a wave of emotions and it includes a lot of verbal abuse towards myself. I feel worthless and pathetic.

I know that I have attempted to stay off of the scale before and have not succeeded in doing so. This time I will actually be removing the scale from our home in order to keep it out of sight and out of mind.

Without knowing my weight I will not be able to track my BMI or my Body Fat %. I think that the less numbers I have to worry about the better. I really just want to be able to focus on my training and my measurements. I want to be physically fit and that may mean that I weigh over an "ideal" weight for my height.

I'm going to track my progress using measurements and taking progress pictures monthly and of course being able to see a change in my endurance fitness-wise. This is so much more important to me and I know that 6 out of 7 days a week. It's just that one day that I weigh in that everything else goes away and I am weighed down by a number that may or may not reflect the work I put into it that week.

The scale can be affected by so many things that it's actually a pretty silly way to track progress. It can fluctuate so much by something as small as sodium. I'm still stumbling around trying to find my way with eating and exercise and how many calories to eat back. It will take a lot of stress off of finding this balance if I can do it without worrying about that number.

And I've already seen proof from others and now myself that the number on the scale doesn't necessarily mean that your body is not changing. I took progress pictures after a 2 and a half month time period. My first picture I weight 181.8 and my second picture, 2 and a half months later I weigh 189. I weigh more, but my measurements are down and I look better (at least in my opinion...) This is huge to me and a much better way of looking at it then by weighing in.

Another part of that is when I look back at my pictures from last year after doing 30 day shred. I think I looked pretty good and yet I was still obsessed with a number that the scale said. I think this go around I don't want to know that number and just base things off of how I feel I look. I could be really happy with my body but not be a certain weight I think I should be at. That weight should be left up to my body to decide after giving it proper exercise and nutrition.

I'm actually pretty excited about this. Without it being in the apartment I won't be tempted to peek. This is going to be a positive thing. I can tell already.

90 Day Halloween Challenge

Clearly I love a challenge. And clearly I don't have enough going at once.

Which is perfect because The Panda Post, a blog I frequently read (and you should check out) started a 90 day challenge a few days ago. What I love best about it is that the challenge can be anything you want it to be from now until Halloween.

Since I am already tracking my miles I thought that I would just make my goal to get in 300+ miles for the next three months. But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to change my goal. There is no point joining the challenge if I am just going to make the same goal for each challenge. That's no fun and just ends up being a waste of time tracking my miles in eight different places.

So I started thinking about it and I think I want to make my challenge more weight/body related. I really don't like the pressure of saying I want to lose x amount of pounds by y date. That doesn't work for me because if I don't make that goal then any progress I may have made is usually forgotten and I mentally beat myself up.

So instead I wanted to just weigh less in 90 days. That can mean a tenth of a pound and it can mean 12 pounds. I also wanted to have lost inches in 90 days. That can mean a quarter of an inch from my waist and it can mean 5 inches overall.

But then I continued to think about it and I am pretty sure I have decided to get rid of the scale completely. I am still contemplating this decision as it would mean I can't track BMI or body fat, but the way that the scale is affecting me mentally is more than I can take right now.

I still want my goal to be weight/body related so I will keep the measurement goal of losing inches in the 90 day period. I will also be adding fitness by making my goal to stick with my weekly workout schedule that I make. I've been doing a great job sticking with it so far with allowing some room for flexibility, so I think that those two goals will push me while setting myself up for success.

I think that it may be a good time when this challenge is over to post some more progress pictures as well. I just posted progress pictures and seeing the side by side comparison is a great visual for me to see that I am making changes to my body even if the numbers don't show it. Another three months would be perfect to see another side by side and to see what the training is doing for me.

30 Day Shred

Last year, around this time, I set my mind to complete the complete 30 days of 30 Day Shred.

It was a personal challenge to do it and the timing was perfect because I was trying to lose some inches for my wedding.

I updated daily after each workout and I do believe the results spoke for themselves...


Before                                                                                         After



Original Measurements:
Bust- 38
Waist- 33.5
Hips- 42.5
Arm (left)- 12
Thigh (left)- 24.5

Final Measurements:
Bust- 37.25 (-0.75)
Waist- 31 (-2.5)
Hips- 40 (-2.5)
Arm (left)- 11.5 (-0.5)
Thigh (left)- 23 (-1.5)

That's a total of 7.75 inches lost overall.

I was thrilled with the results. Yet I was still missing something when I looked in the mirror. I didn't see what I wanted to see. The problem was, I couldn't see what was really there because I still saw someone who was bigger, someone who wasn't pretty, someone who wasn't enough.

Fast forward one year and this is my before and my progress picture...

Before                                                                                           After

And these are my current measurements...

Current Measurements:
Bust- 40.5 (+3.25")
Waist- 35 (+4")
Hips- 44.5 (+4.5")
Arm (left)- 12.75 (+1.25")
Thigh (left)- 26.75 (+3.75")

That's a total of 16.75 inches gained overall.

That's not good.

That's not good at all.

I am hoping that with the training that I've already started and will continue to do (running, biking, elliptical, walking, etc) that I can make this a habit that sticks. I'm not doing this for a special occasion (other than to make running easier on my body and especially my knees) so I don't think I will fall off like a crazy married woman who has never eaten food before in her life like I've been doing for the past 10 months.

I would like to do Ripped in 30 five days a week for four weeks at some point, but right now that's not realistic to fit into my schedule. I know that I am on the right track, but I do think that I need to make some drastic changes because two days of strength training a week is not going to help me shed the inches off the way it did last year.

Looking back at my "after" pictures makes me feel two things. When I first saw it my initial reaction was sadness. Sadness in the fact that I'm not there and sadness in the fact that I thought that wasn't good enough because it was. Looking at it I think I look great and I want to get back there.

The second thing I felt was hopeful. Hopeful that I can do this and get back there. Motivated to keep going no matter what happens during the week. I can gain and still stay focused and dedicated. I can skip a workout and get right back to it the next day. I can eat a meal that may not be the healthiest choice and I can track it and eat healthier the rest of the day. These are all choices.

I've made a lot of choices in my life. I mean, every day brings choices.

Today I am choosing my health. I am choosing my fitness. I am choosing to make better, healthier choices so that I can lose the extra weight and run faster and farther and prevent injury. I am choosing to get back into shape. I am choosing to get back to that after picture and then choosing to improve even more from there. I am choosing success!

I am worth this. I am worth the time, the energy, the sweat, the tears. I am worth spending a few hours a week away from my family in order to work on my health. I am worth spending a little more money on healthier food choices. I am worth it!

Currently

After reading a blog a while ago (HelloMissKelly) I came across a post that I really liked. She found this particular type of post here.

I'm planning on posting a new "Currently" update on the first of every month. I think that will give me enough time between posts for things to have changed. And I can add my current measurements, BMI and body fat % and even our net worth as well.

Loving: Fashion. This isn't a new development, but one that I am getting more serious about. I love the way that clothing makes me feel when I can put an outfit together and not just throw on pants and a t-shirt. There is just something about being put together that makes me hold my head a little higher and have a smidge more confidence about myself. This love of fashion often times has me searching pinterest for ideas which in turn makes me wish that I had these clothes. I know that for now I can make due with what I have and just continue to keep my eye out for cute clothes and good sales.

I've been using pictures off of pinterest for inspiration to make cute outfits with the clothes I have. I just wish my clothing selection was bigger, but I'm working with what I have. Here are a few of the pictures I have saved:

Reading: I am in the middle of a few books. I tend to do that and then I just randomly stop because I feel like I have too many things going on at once and because other things in my life take more priority over reading. I love to read, even if I am a slow reader, but sometimes my time is better spent on other things that make me happy as well, most importantly being my family. But I also enjoy crocheting and other crafty things, so it's just a matter of making the time to read daily, even if it is only for 10-20 minutes before bed.

Watching: I have very few shows that I watch on a regular basis. Same goes for movies. I'm just not a big fan of either. Since it is summer, I do have my guilty pleasure of Big Brother. I try to watch it live, but I tend to forget when it's on so I DVR it and catch up when I have some free time. The only show that I watch religiously is American Dad weeknights at 10pm on Cartoon Network. Most adults my age are either sleeping or watching the 10 o'clock news, but I just cannot handle it. I would much rather watch something light that makes Patrick and I laugh then something that I personally find depressing.

Anticipating: Isabel starting kindergarten in 18 days! I cannot believe that she will be starting elementary school and I just know that I am going to be a mess that day. My little girl is growing up, and since the chances of Patrick and I having any children of our own is pretty small, this may be the first and last time I have a kindergartener. She is so excited to be starting school and I am so excited (as well as terrified) for her. She is a smart little girl and I can only hope that her teachers notice that and work with her instead of her getting in trouble. I took the entire day off of work so that I can be there to drop her off and pick her up. It's such an exciting time!

Planning: I am beginning to plan my training schedule for the next few months leading up to Santa to the Sea. My awesome sister already created a schedule for our long training runs on the weekend, however she is currently still debating whether or not she is going to be running LA this year. I am in desperate need of a weekday training plan and figure there is no better time to work on that. I am hoping that despite Patrick's schedule (which we won't know until the week before) that I will have full support of my parents and of Patrick to make sure I get in these workouts when scheduled. It may be time to start going to bed earlier than I do in order to wake up earlier to get my workouts in before work. That could eliminate a lot of problems. I'm planning on printing out this monthly schedule and posting it at work at my desk, at home on the refrigerator and the bathroom mirror, and maybe even in my car. The more I see it the more accountable I will feel to accomplish the daily workout.

Working on: Scheduling and following through on workouts. It would help me to see a monthly workout schedule, but I can already tell it's going to be an issue without knowing Patrick's schedule ahead of time. I would love to get into the routine of going to the gym in the morning before work, but on the mornings that Patrick opens I can't go because I won't be home in time to be with Isabel, get her up and take her to my parent's before heading off to work. It's not the end of the world to go to the gym after work on those days, but I would feel guilty working out for an hour and a half when I get off of work rather than an hour in the morning and a half hour at night. I know it will all work out, but for now it is slightly frustrating.

Wishing: That we already owned a house. We are still a ways away from even beginning to look at houses, but that doesn't keep me from wishing that we arlready owned a house. I go with my mom once a month (except I had to miss this month) to a swap meet nearby. I am always finding great deals on little miscellaneous items. I have also found some things that I would love to put into our home, but our current home is just too small. No, buying a house because I want to decorate it is not a good enough reason to start looking, but it does inspire me to work harder towards saving so that it can happen sooner rather than later. Since we have only just fixed up our budget and are only just beginning to implement it, we really have no idea how long it will take us to save enough money for a down payment. I would like to have a decent amount before borrowing from the bank and it may take us a few more years to get there.

Measurements
Arm (L): 

Last month: 13"
This month: 12.75"

Difference: -0.25"

Thigh (L): 
Last month: 27"
This month: 26.75"

Difference: -0.25"

Bust: 
Last month: 41"
This month: 40.5"

Difference: -0.5"

Waist: 
Last month: 35.5"
This month: 35"

Difference: -0.5"

Hips:
Last month: 45"
This month: 44.5"

Difference: -0.5"

BMI: 
Last month: (From weight taken on 7/7) 27.91- overweight
This month: (From weight taken on 7/28)-  27.32- overweight

Difference: -0.59

Body fat %: 
Last month: (From weight taken on 7/7)- 31.37%
This month: (From weight taken on 7/28)- 30.98%

Difference: -0.38%

Net worth:
Last month: (As of 7/26/13)- $19,046.59
This month: (As of 8/1/13)- $20,593.46
Difference: +1,546.87

What are you currently up to?
Be sure to respond in the comments, or link back here! (Again I got this idea from Kelly @ Hello Miss Kelly and she got the idea from Cara @ The Marvelous Flight of Cara )

Weekly Weigh In

Starting weight: 188.8
Last week's weight: 186.2
This week's weight: 185.4
This week +/-: -0.8
Total +/-: -3.4

I woke up this morning thinking that it was weigh in day, so I stepped on the scale and was both shocked and happily surprised by what I saw. But, I have a confession. I don't think I deserve this loss. I don't feel like I've been going too crazy with my eating, but I have not been tracking. At all.

I kind of fell off of the tracking/working out wagon and I'm trying to climb back on. I made a workout schedule for next week (that I will post tomorrow) and I am really looking forward to it. It seems like a lot, but it's really not that much and I know I can handle it. I have got to push myself in order to see the changes and I know that I am just an all around happier person when I am working out.

Tracking is such a simple thing to do. I have the app on my phone and have access to a computer at home and at work, so there really is no excuse. I will be tracking everything starting today and will post my menu's once a month so as not to get burnt out on doing that as well.

As far as the eating goes, I am hoping that since I am starting to train for all of the races I have scheduled that the eating healthy will become a priority and I can focus on fruits, veggies, protein, healthy fats and complex carbs. No more fast food or processed crap. It may be easier (and less calories) to grab a 100 calorie pre packaged snack, but it would be better for my body to grab a measured portion of nuts or veggies with hummus.

The workouts scheduled are hopefully going to burn both calories and fat and I do intend to stick with the My Fitness Pal way of thinking, eat more to weigh less. But again, I need to eat those calories the proper way- more ounces of chicken, whole wheat pasta or brown rice, etc.

It's all a choice and up until now I have been making the wrong choices.

So my decision is to get serious about this to earn my results, not just luck out in losing almost a pound when it may not have been deserved. It's appreciated, but not deserved. I know that I may see a stall in the scale continuing to go down once I start to work out again, but that's a part of the process and it's a reason as to why I am also focusing on measurements, body fat % and BMI.

Being so close to the first of the month I am getting a little antsy to check my BMI and my Body Fat %. I know that it's not going to have changed drastically since my beginning numbers are from a weight that I was at not that long ago, but it will be nice to see progress. I have decided to use an app on my phone to check both. I am fairly certain they are both accurate, however I would prefer to stick with the same calculator then different ones each month.

I am also looking forward to taking my measurements. I don't think that there will be much of a difference between last month and this month on these as well, but you really never know until you actually take the measurements.

I am so ready to see progress and to put in that work that is needed. I really think the negative experience I had with the personal trainer may have given me that extra push I needed. I know I shouldn't be doing this for anyone else but myself, but I find very little more motivating than someone telling me I can't. Granted she didn't say that I can't do it, but the whole situation just pushed me to that point that I want to prove to everyone (myself included) that I can and will do this on my own.

Personal Trainer- FAIL

I received an email regarding a free orientation with a personal trainer at the gym I belong to. So I went last week and she kicked my ass. We worked out for 10 minutes and I was ready to die at the end. Which either means she's a great trainer or I'm really out of shape.

We sat down at the end of the session, the part where she takes of her "trainer" hat and puts on her "sales person" hat. She took out a notebook and showed me a variety of prices: half hour sessions one time a week for four weeks, half hour sessions two times a week for four weeks, hour sessions once a week for four weeks, etc.

At that point in time I did not have the extra money to spend on personal training. It was not the responsible thing to do. No matter how hard she pushed. The responsible thing was to go home and sit with Patrick and discuss our budget. We both have received some very exciting promotions at work and it was time to update mint.com with that information. So we sat down and went through everything and it worked out that I could afford the extra $140 a month to meet with the trainer once a week for a 30 minute session.

YAY!

It was just a matter of time until I signed up with Mary, my very first personal trainer.

I called her last night to see if she was at the gym so that I could sign up with her. She wasn't there, so I left my name and number with the receptionist. It wasn't more than 10 minutes later that I received a phone call from an unknown number and it was her. I was excited to set up my first appointment for next Monday at 6pm. I would go directly to the gym after work, do cardio on my own for 45 minutes to an hour and then get my ass kicked for a full 30 minutes.

But, Mary didn't remember me. I shrugged it off because she obviously has other clients and meeting with one person once is not something to remember them by. But then she quoted me $150 for the four sessions. I shrugged that off too. $10 extra wasn't a big deal. Maybe I saw it wrong the first time. I'd figure it out, it's only $10 and our budget had a little extra wiggle room.  I told her I would come in Tuesday night at 6pm to pay and we would start our sessions next week.

I had been feeling mixed emotions all day about going in to pay for the sessions. I had the money set aside. I had the mentality that this is the right thing. But something didn't feel right. I was already feeling buyers remorse for spending so much  money on myself.

So when I got to the gym and Mary said it would be $160 for the four half hour sessions it didn't take much for me to tell her that she originally quoted me $140. She said she'd check her notebook, but came back saying $160. I simply said "That's out of my budget" and I walked out.

$20 over budget is not that big of a deal, and again there was wiggle room. But what happens if I keep wiggling? What happens if next month I see progress and want to keep going and it turns out that the prices increased to $180 or $200? What happens if our personalities don't match and I'm stuck with her each week for a month?

She called shortly after I left. I let it go to voicemail because I knew it was her and I was not in the right frame of mind to talk to her. She left a message and offered me 5 sessions for the $160 price, meaning one session free. Not good enough.

And at this point I'm in the mentality that I can (and will) do this on my own and prove to her (not that she cares or will ever know) and to myself that I do not need to spend $140 (or $160) for someone else to tell me what to do in order to become healthier and in better shape. Yes, the motivation and being held accountable by someone once a week would be helpful for me, I know that that is something I need in order to succeed, but I don't think that I was going about it the right way.

I am more than capable of using the gym equipment properly on my own. I am more than capable of sticking to a scheduled workout. I am more than capable of getting to a healthy weight range, a healthy BMI and a healthy body fat percentage on my own.

I mean, clearly. I have done oh so well on my own this far...

But to be positive, I am using this as motivation to schedule my workouts for the next week and start on my workouts for the month of August. I have already decided that my scheduled workouts will be posted in multiple locations so that I see it everywhere I go (bathroom mirror, refrigerator, car, work desk, etc). I have no excuses not to do this.

I can not wish the weight away and expect results. I cannot wish for runners legs and expect results. I cannot wish for a smaller backside and expect results. I cannot wish for the after body without putting in all of the work to get there. Hard work and patience. I am lacking in both.

Here's to getting that after body. Here's to putting in the work to get there. Here's to making the healthier choices. Here's to my future. Here's to success!

Sunday July 7th

I decided to start over this morning and in doing so I updated my profile on My Fitness Pal. In doing so I decided to change my weekly goal from losing 1 pound a week to losing 2 pounds a week. This will lower my daily calorie goal from 1540 to 1200. I will also be eating the calories I burn. I think when I was eating 1540 calories I was eating too much, which was why I wasn't losing any weight. That may not be the reason why, but I think it is the most obvious and I feel like this change may be what I need to start seeing the scale move in the right direction.

I will weigh in monthly as well as take measurements monthly. I will also be focusing my food intake on the good healthy guidelines set by Weight Watchers. These include dairy, whole grains, protein, fruits and veggies and water, among a few others. If I can focus on eating healthier foods then I know I can succeed.

I made a workout schedule for this week and hope to stick to it as best as I possibly can. Obviously things may change, but this is what I would like to have happen.

Sunday July 7th: 20 Donkey Kicks, 30 minutes stationary bike, 30 minutes elliptical
Monday July 8th: 25 Donkey Kicks, 30-45 minute interval run
Tuesday July 9th: 30 Donkey Kicks
Wednesday July 10th: 35 Donkey Kicks, 30-45 minute interval run
Thursday July 11th: 40 Donkey Kicks
Friday July 12th: 45 Donkey Kicks, 30 minute stationary bike, 30 minutes elliptical
Saturday July 13th: 50 Donkey Kicks, 5 mile run

I also decided to start Chalene Johnsons 30 Day Push again. I watched the first video yesterday and am feeling dedicated to making it the full 30 days. I have seen a few people make it through the entire program and experience such wonderful changes in their lives that I want to put in the work to get that positive change myself. I made it about 2 weeks last time and am focused to complete it this go around.

Day one was all about getting started and the daily homework was to write down your values, what's important to you, what you want people to know you for, what you want to be remembered for, what the guiding principles in your life are, and what things you feel have a calling to you. It was more difficult than I thought it would be, but I did it. Today I've been working on what my priorities are and I am still trying to make it through that. We'll see how the next 28 days go and if I become more organized and focused on my goals.

Goal: 1200
Food: 1922
Exercise: -898
Net: 1024

Breakfast:
Chobani Flip Cups- Key Lime (180)
Soy milk- Regular Light (60)

Lunch:
Chicken Caesar Salad- dressing on the side (503)

Snack:
1/2 soft pretzel (200)
Swedish fish (150)

Dinner:
Taco Bell Chicken Cantina Bowl (560)
Taco Bell Pink Lemonade Freeze (270)

Exercise:
20 Donkey Kicks
35 minutes Stationary Bike (9.59 miles)
33 minutes Elliptical (2.91 miles)
Calories burned: -898

Positive: I made it through my scheduled workout at the gym. I felt like quitting a few times during both the bike ride and while on the elliptical, but I pushed through and I am really proud of myself for sticking with it.

The Good: I started over today instead of waiting another day. The binge-fest did not need to continue as the vacation is over and it is back to reality. I very easily could have put it off a day and started at the beginning of the week, or better yet I could have waited until the 12th so that my challenge would have ended on our one year anniversary. But I didn't do that, I tracked my food and worked out.

The Bad: I need to go grocery shopping and buy fruits and veggies. I am hoping to do this tomorrow so that I have some healthy foods to bring with me for my lunches for work starting on Tuesday. I know that if I bring healthy foods to snack on and have for lunch then I will have nothing to worry about. As long as I bring only what I'm going to eat for that day then I will be fine. Until I make it to the grocery store to get these healthy foods I am a little stuck searching for foods in our slightly bare cupboards and refrigerator.

Thoughts:
*Donkey kicks are going to do wonders for my backside. I hope... I only had to do 20 on each side today and towards the end of the second set of 10 I could definitely feel the burn. I am looking forward to toning up and getting through a challenge. Getting up to 100 is going to be painful. Painful and so worth it.

*It was nice being able to sleep in this morning. I woke up a few times between 6 am (when Patrick left for work) and when I got out of bed at 8:30 am. After waking up no later than 7 am while on vacation I needed the extra sleep. I can say that I am looking forward to getting up at 6 am when I go back to work on Tuesday. Yes, you read that right. I am looking forward to it. I love having a schedule and going to work every day is the best kind of schedule.

*I am trying to decide if I want to go to the gym before work or after work next week. Since I am only going to be going 2-3 days a week I need to see how busy the gym is when I get home from work before I decide if it's worth it to get up extra early to get in an hour workout, shower at the gym and then go to work on those few occasions.

*It felt great getting back to the gym tonight and I am so glad I went and that I stayed for the entire time scheduled. I also talked to someone about my two free training sessions and am hoping to set those up sometime this week. I received an email last week while on vacation that said the following (mind you while reading this email I totally felt confident in my choice to join this gym):

"As a new member in our club, it is our duty to get you started on the right track to reach your fitness goals. Nothing is more important to us than providing our members with the finest fitness programs.

Body Xchange trainers have been trained extensively for weight loss management, overall fitness performance, muscle toning, athletic training and post rehabilitation exercises. With your membership you will receive two orientation sessions ($120 value).
 

If you are an existing member that has never had the opportunity to work with one of our fitness professionals, please sign up immediately for your two sessions.

Our belief is......"Results cause Motivation", so if you're not getting them we want to help.

Remember one thing: You will not change your health and physique overnight. Be patient and the results are guaranteed. If you are new to exercise, we recommend 2-3 times a week at about 45 minutes each workout if you are able to. If 45 minutes is too much, do what you can and add a few minutes each visit. Within 30 days, you will do just fine. THERE ARE NO MAGIC PILLS!"

 

*I hate doing laundry. HATE IT!

 

*My husband is annoying to live with. I only type this because he just said "I must be really annoying to live with" and because I know he reads my blog occasionally. I am hoping he will read this so that I can see his reaction. Truth be told, he is not annoying to live with.

 

*I already have the outfit I plan on wearing for my first day back to work. I know it is fancier than need be (we are a casual office) but I like dressing up and I feel more confident when I get dressed nicely and put on make up and do my hair. Can't promise I'll be doing my hair, but I am planning on doing my make up.

 

*I am having mixed feelings about going back to work on Tuesday. On one hand I like having the schedule, I'm excited to make my promotion official and to start training for that position and I'm excited to see my coworkers again. But on the other hand I have not made the best use of my three months off of work and I feel like I spent the majority of the time lounging around in a near depression. I am going to desperately miss the time I have been able to spend with Isabel. I never thought I would be the type of person who wanted to be a stay at home mom (at least not full time), but now that I have to go back I don't want to.

 

*I am ready for success. I am ready to allow myself to experience success. I deserve to be successful. I can only get out of this what I put into it. I am so ready to work my ass off (literally) in order to be healthier and more physically fit. I am ready to be in great shape so that training can be easier and so that I can enjoy running again.

Starting Over.. Again

I decided to weigh myself this morning in order to know where I am. I was going to wait the whole month like I had originally planned on, but decided that I wanted to know what my new starting weight is.

Yes, I'm starting over. Again.

I cannot begin to explain my frustrations with my lack of self control and the amount of times that I have started and restarted, only to give up a day or two later. I want success so much and yet I self sabotage myself so early on that it seems almost pointless at this point.

But as of this morning I am over 25 pounds higher than I was 9 months ago at my wedding.

 

I mistakenly thought I looked fat. I was self conscious about how my dress was going to fit. I thought that people would notice my imperfections. How self centered am I?

 

I read a great blog post last night about this exact thing. I was getting caught up on a bunch of the blogs I frequent, but the post from Freak Out In Color was the one that stuck with me the most. I also feel judged when I'm pretty sure that no one even notices me. No one cares about me or how I look as much as I do, so why can I not just let go and allow myself to have fun in the moment and not care what other people think?

 

 

I didn't want to take my shirt or my shorts off at the beach. But then my sister said something to me... "When are you ever going to see these people again?" And she's right. It didn't necessarily give me all the confidence in the world, but it helped. Then I looked around. And I saw people of all heights and weights and body types and I thought to myself, "I'm not judging them, so why do I think they are going to start judging me?" And in all honesty, even if they do judge me I'll probably never know. It's not like people will come up to me and tell me to my face that they think I shouldn't be wearing a bikini.

 

So I wore the bikini. And I was self conscious. But I let go as much as I could and I had fun. And no one said anything and I survived. And I even allowed the momentous event to be captured on film...

 

But it all does not change the fact that my weight is up since that wonderful day 9 months ago and it does not change the fact that I want to be comfortable in my body again.

 

I am committing myself to a 3 month challenge starting today. I know, I know... What's different this time that I am actually going to stick with this challenge and not give up in a day or two? Nothing is different. But if I don't keep trying then nothing will ever change. I have to keep starting over because at some point it will stick and things will start to change.

 





Starting weight: 188.8

Starting measurements:
Hips- 45"
Waist- 35.5"
Bust- 41"
Arm (L)- 13"
Thigh (L)- 27"

Goals:
- Weigh in monthly
- Weight less in 3 months than I do today
- Stick with my planned workout schedule as much as possible
- Eat healthy
- Track everything that I eat and drink
- Follow the good healthy guidelines as set forth by Weight Watchers
- Start planned challenges and stick with them (I did not finish the squat challenge and will be adding it to the end after push ups)

I have to stop self sabotaging and I have to start believing in myself. If I don't believe in me then I can't expect anyone else to either. It's time to do this for me..

Putting the Scale Away

I had a productive therapy session last week. I talked to her about my irrational mood changes after standing on the scale and my frustrations with my body.

I decided to take her advice and put the scale away. To hide it and only weigh in once a month along with taking measurements. She suggested this tactic so that if I do gain at least there could be a difference in my measurements so that I can see some form of progress. 

I am putting too much emphasis on my weight and not enough focus on what I am doing on a daily basis. I am still too focused on the things I did wrong each day and not being proud of the things I got right. That should really be the only thing I look at. 

I am going to weigh in today and track my weight as well as retake my measurements. I am going to start tracking again when we get back from vacation, but I will only be weighing and taking my measurements once a month, on the 24th of each month. 

I used a photo from pinterest as motivation to write on my scale. A visual reminder that I am not what that number says. 

Motivation: 

My scale:

I am most likely going to be asking Patrick to hide the scale. If it's not out for me to see on a day to day basis then I feel like I will be less likely to cheat and look at the scale. When it is time to check my weight then I will see what I have written and hopefully remember that it's just a way to track progress and nothing else.  

It can't hurt to try it for a month or so. If I find myself slipping with eating, exercising and tracking then I may go back to weekly weigh-ins. I'm going to play it by ear and see what I am capable of. It may be the best thing for me to put the scale away.. You never know if you don't try.

All I do know is that for this month I will be working on my relationship with me.

Last weeks weight: 184.4

This weeks weight: 185.2

+/-: +0.8

Total +/-: +0.8

Measurements: 

Arm (L)- 

last month- 13"

this month- 12.75"

Difference- -.25"

Thigh (L)- 

last month- 26.25"

this month- 26.25"

Difference- 0"

Bust- 

last month- 40" 

this month- 40"

Difference- 0"

Waist- 

last month- 36" 

this month- 35.25"

Difference- -.75"

Hips- 

last month- 44.5" 

this month- 44.25"

Difference- -.25"

BMI- 

last month- 27.2= overweight

this month- 27.3= overweight

Difference- +0.1

 

Thoughts: Where do I begin? Let's start with the weight... I am now at my heighest ever adult weight (other than when I was pregnant). Here are the emotions I've already felt in the past 15 minutes regarding the scale and myself: anger, frustration, disgust, sadness and indifference. 

What was I honestly expecting the scale to say? I haven't been eating well and I haven't been tracking. There's really no wonder the scale is up. And if I'm being honest, I'm a little surprised it's not up higher than it is. 

The reason I'm feeling indifferent about the scale is because I took the time to read what I wrote on it. I am not that number. No one else knows what that number is unless I choose to tell them. I have been told by many people who know my weight that I carry it well and they would have never thought I would weigh what I do. 

And I finally looked up a chart that shows a healthy weight range for height and body frame (small, medium or large). According to the scale, I am only 15.2 pounds over a healthy weight, not the 21.4 pounds I thought last week. Granted, 170 is not my goal weight, but at least it would be a closer goal to set for myself that doesn't seem so far out of reach.

Taking my measurements helped as well. Especially since they either stayed the same or went down. Nothing drastic, but at least progress in the right direction.

Of course my initial thought was "I must not be measuring in the same place", but I was and I was happy to see that I am losing inches even if I'm gaining weight. 

I am not concerned about my thighs not losing inches. Yes, I thought they would with all the running I've been doing and with all of the squats, but I can feel a difference. They feel like they are becoming more toned and there is a difference even if they are still 26.25". There's still work to be done, but I'm happy with what my thighs have been able to do.

I am hoping that next month shows progress as well and I intend on doing the work in order to see that progress. I'm only going to get out of it what I put into it..

I decided to work on my self appreciation by writing one positive about myself a day. It makes me think of the good things at the end of each day and then I can see the list at the end of the week to boost my self-esteem.

 

I chose to list them with my weigh in because I know that there will be times that the weigh-in does not go the way I had hoped. I would like to say honestly that the number won't affect me, but it does, so listing my positives will make me focus on that instead of what the scale says. 

 

Positives:

1. I ended up binging on veggie chips. I have to look at this in a positive way because it could have been a lot worse. A lot worse...

2. I am allowing myself to be proud of my running accomplishments as well as putting it out there to brag about.  

3. I wore my HRM for the first time in months and am going to make it a habit to accurately track my calories burned instead of guesstimating.

4. I am taking pride in my running accomplishments instead of passing them off like they are nothing. I'm not going to walk around telling everyone, but it's about time I actually realize that I have done something that's pretty cool and something that not a lot of people have done.

5. I ate a filling lunch so that I wouldn't snack throughout the day before going to dinner with my parents and my in-laws. It was healthy, nutritious and delicious!

6. I bought running shorts. Shorts! I tend to stick with 3/4 pants or full length pants for my runs, but since the whether is getting warmer it is time to stop worrying about what my thighs look like and start focusing on the run.

7. I wrote on my scale so that I can remind myself that it doesn't matter what it says and as a visual reminder to stay off of it for the entire month.

Weigh In #3 and 7 Positives

Last weeks weight: 181.8

This weeks weight: 184.4

+/-: +2.6

Total +/-: +2.6
Thoughts: I'm disappointed but resetting so that I can have a fresh start on My Fitness Pal and I feel good about the reset and about trying something that will hopefully work before I gain any more weight.

I've reset my weight and my measurements, but I wanted to share all of that information with you, so here are my updated measurements with any differences between now and two weeks ago.

Measurements:
Arm (L)- 13" (+.25)
Thigh (L)- 26.25" (+.25)
Bust- 40" (0)
Waist- 36" (0)
Hips- 44.5" (+.25)

BMI- 27.2= overweight (+0.4)

I think I was doing something wrong... But I'm not dwelling on it. Instead I'm using it as motivations to make some serious changes.

I decided to work on my self appreciation by writing one positive about myself a day. It makes me think of the good things at the end of each day and then I can see the list at the end of the week to boost my self-esteem.

I chose to list them with my weigh in because I know that there will be times that the weigh-in does not go the way I had hoped. I would like to say honestly that the number won't affect me, but it does, so listing my positives will make me focus on that instead of what the scale says. 

Positives:

1. I ran a mile straight without stopping!

2. I had no motivation to workout tonight so I sought out motivation and an extra kick in the butt and it worked.

3. I felt satisfied today, never full, and I allowed myself a treat without going overboard.

4. I listened to my body tonight and didn't push myself too hard to workout and more importantly I didn't mentally beat myself up for not doing the dvd.

5. I have not only gone out to run a mile for 5 days in a row, but I have successfully run a mile straight for 5 days in a row!

6. I found myself genuinely happy today because I feel like our small apartment is finally becoming a home.

7. I have made it a full week with my running streak and don't see myself stopping any time soon. I feel like even though my calves and shins are tight that I can keep going, so I do. Who knows, maybe soon I will start increasing the mileage of running and can make it two miles without stopping.

The Scale Is A Liar!!

I stepped on the scale yesterday morning and had a very negative reaction to  what showed up. It brought on a lot of emotions that I was not expecting because I truly thought that I was going to see a number that was more deserving than a 1.8 pound gain since Monday.

It got me thinking about an article that I've read before and that I may need to print out in order to read more often. It's called "4 Things You Don't Know About Weight Loss" and talks about why the scale lies.

There are so many factors that can affect the number on the scale from a day to day basis. Food is an obvious factor, but the number can go up because of exercise and sodium and water weight and so many other little things that there is no real reason to weigh yourself on a daily basis.

I've learned that it does not help me in any way to weigh myself on a daily basis and I end up adjusting my mood each morning based on that number. Yesterday morning started with a great mood until I saw the number and then everything changed. I've been trying to weigh myself once a week, but have been peeking at the scale to see if my efforts have been paying off. This clearly is not helping because the scale is not showing what I want it to show and it is still just affecting my mood.

The scale may need to go away during the week until I weigh in on Monday. Maybe the scale needs to go away for a month. Maybe the scale can go in the garbage and I can solely focus on other things. Hmmm... Not a bad idea! But for now I will do my best to only weigh myself on Monday's. I will do my best to eat better. I will do my best to focus more on the other things.

According to the article, the scale is not the best measure of one's success and I completely agree. Especially now. I may think differently of the scale when it starts working with me instead of against me. Which says a lot about me and maybe I need to look in the mirror instead of down at the scale.

I highly HIGHLY suggest reading the article, especially if you are having your own frustrations with losing weight or if you are putting too much of your self worth on your successes or failure on the scale. I'm sure everyone will take something different from the article, but this is what I take from it that I am hoping will help me:

"There are important changes happening in your body that the scale can't measure or detect, such as: changing body composition, changes on the inside, and more strength and endurance."

 

"Muscle takes up less space than fat, making you look slimmer, and it's more metabolically active. When you exercise, you gain muscle, raise your metabolism and lose fat, but that fat loss won't always show up on the scale. Where it will show up is in measurements, how your clothes fit and how your body looks."

 

"Strength and endurance means you're making progress, but if the scale isn't moving, you may not pay attention to how fit you're getting."

 

"Relying on the scale may even make those workouts feel like a waste of time, even though each one helped you burn calories, get stronger, protect your body from diseases and made you more fit than you were before."

 

"Beating a plateau is often more about making small changes to tweak what you're doing than going overboard with your diet or workout program: change your workouts, add more activity, tweak your calorie intake, make adjustments throughout the process."

 

"What you may not realize is that, sometimes, forgetting about your weight can actually help you lose weight."

 

"Shifting your goal to something tangible, something you can see, feel and touch on a regular basis may be just what you need to get the results you're looking for. Some ideas: your health, your performance, your satisfaction."



I think my plan as of right now is to continue weekly weigh ins until week 4. I want to give this a solid month before I switch to something else. At the one month mark I will be taking my measurements and will switch to weighing myself once a month. If my eating is still out of control I will be attempting a different way of tracking, most likely by using My Fitness Pal since it is free. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks. Hopefully I can make the conscious effort to eat better before then.

I just want it to connect so badly. I feel like there's something stopping me though and I just don't quite know what yet.

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