Accepting A Compliment

I couldn't even begin to count the number of times Patrick has complimented me. Whether it's about superficial things like my looks or my body or about things that matter like my personality or my accomplishments. I know that my husband finds me attractive and I know that my husband is proud of me because he is constantly telling me.

But out of these hundreds of thousands of times he's told me I can count on one hand the number of times I have accepted and believed the compliment. 

More often than not I dismiss his compliments as lies. If he tells me I'm pretty or beautiful I automatically think he's lying to me because I don't find myself to be pretty or beautiful. Other times I will simply say thank you while in my mind I argue as to why it's not a true statement and I end up insulting myself multiple times in the process.

I realized a few weeks ago that I accept compliments from strangers better than I accept them from loved ones. In my mind my family compliments me because they have to, whereas a stranger has nothing to gain. It makes very little sense to think this way, and in all honesty there are times where I dismiss the compliment as mockery.

I started to really think about my thought process on this subject a couple weeks ago when Patrick started a conversation about his coworker. They recently became friends on Facebook and she was looking through his pictures. He rarely posts, but there were pictures on there from our wedding. She talked to him at work, asking if that was his wife. She told him that she thought I was beautiful and that I could be a model.

I've never met this person before, and yet her compliment (minus the model part because I just don't see it) made my day. It put a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. I walked around that day with my head held a little higher. 

So why is it that my reaction is so strong to a compliment from someone I don't know compared to the same compliment from my husband?  

I truly wish I knew the answer so that I can work on my reaction. I'm fairly sure that working on my negative body obsession will help improve the way I accept a compliment. I have to believe not only that I am pretty, but also that my family is being honest with me when they compliment me. It's not fair to me to not accept it, and it's not fair to them when they are just being nice.

Thursday May 23rd

Today's run felt better than Tuesday's. I maintained about the same speed as that run even though there were a few different factors.

I ran at my parents house today, which has inclines on the route I go instead of the flat course on the wash. I also went in the afternoon, so it was a lot warmer out. 

To be honest, I felt like I was going faster than I was, and I felt that twinge of panic. I felt like I was pushing myself and still went slower than I had hoped. I felt like it was going to take a lot for me to improve in any way. I felt every inch of my body with each step I took.

I literally almost slapped myself across the face. 

Those things are not important, at least not right now. This is the second run for me. I have room for improvement and I have plenty of time to make those improvements the right way.

The main thing I need to focus on is one of my favorite quotes I've seen on pinterest and I use it often as a mantra while running:
 



Today's run was 2.13 miles and it took me exactly 30 minutes. 

Mile 1- 13:48

Mile 2- 14:23

Mile 0.13- 1:49

 

My eating could have been better today. I felt very snacky all day and couldn't shake that feeling. I know the problem started by me not having breakfast this morning. That plus working out this morning I just didn't do well. I really need to go grocery shopping to prevent this. Usually, if I have the choice, I will pick the healthy food. But since the refrigerator is looking pretty bare I went for the unhealthy choices.

 

Tomorrow is another day. And I'm not going to spend the rest of the night wallowing over my choices for today. All I can do is know that I can make better choices tomorrow. And that's exactly what I plan on doing. I will not let one day derail me for the rest of the week!

Life Without NBO & What Are Intentions?

I have been reading Love Your Body, Love Your Life for a few days now and I couldn't be happier with what I've been reading. I continue to believe that this is just what I needed and I think the timing couldn't have been better.

I am getting anxious to begin The Five Steps to Freedom, but I know that it is important to read the first part of the book (Understanding Your Journey) so that I can fully understand what the steps are and why. I truly want to make this work, but I know I will only get out of this what I put into it.

So I've been continuing to underline the parts that stand out the most to me. I've never done this in a book before for the simple reason that I haven't read a self help book before. I've looked for something to help me in the past, but could never find what I needed. Until now. Which makes sense because I wasn't quite ready for it before now.

I highlighted my top ten parts of chapter one here and chapter two here. The following are my highlights from the rest of part one:

"You probably spend most of your time thinking about what you don't have and what you aren't. In order to live without NBO, you need to imagine what you could have."

"The more you focus on loving and accepting your body and enjoying it as an ally on your journey through life, the more you will create those feelings in your life."

"In order to change your life, you must first change your mind."

 "Whether you are a middle-aged man or woman carrying a little more weight than you would like, an emotional eater, someone struggling with obesity, someone suffering from anorexia or bulimia, or a teenager dreaming of being the latest pop star, you can break free from Negative Body Obsession."

"'Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change.'"

"Intention is the force that animates and orchestrates everything in the universe without effort and without strain."

"Key attributes of intention:

• Intention is all-inclusive. There is nowhere that it is not and nothing it does not include.

• Intention is always on time. It provides what the universe needs, when it needs it."

"In order to successfully manifest your intentions, you want to align yourself with the field of intention."

"According to the Law of Detachment, in order to manifest your dreams and desires, you must first relinquish your attachment to them."

"Trust that the universal force of intention, which is always on time, will fulfill your desires when the time is right."

I think my favorite section of part one is How to Set an Intention and the Criteria of a Successful Intention. They are manageable to do and make sense, which helps me because I really can't handle anything too complicated right now. I need something that will bring me success easily, and from what I've read that's exactly how this works. I no doubt will have to put work into it, but I'm willing to do what it takes!

I am really looking forward to part two and plan to start reading it right away so that I can begin to change my way of thinking. Having a positive attitude about all of this and especially having a positive mind set about my body will bring me the greatest success. I'm sure I will continue to fail and restart if I continue to think negatively about myself and about my body.

My new rule of life? Positive Positive Positive!

Wednesday May 22nd

"Get comfortable being uncomfortable."

 

The plan for today was to take Isabel to school and then go to my parents house to do my workout for the day. I decided to do my workout there because it's closer to Isabel's school and I don't see the point in driving home for that short amount of time. Yes, I choose to not drive the extra 7 miles home because it saves me time and gas.

 

So, I dropped Isabel off at school at 9am and headed straight to my parents house. They weren't home, which was perfect because I do not need an audience while I'm doing a workout video.. I went for a 2.16 mile walk (including uphill!) and then started Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown. 

 

I have a new found respect for those who practice yoga. It was hard! I will say that this is the first time I have ever attempted yoga and I believe that, with it being Jillian and all, it was more difficult than a slower/calmer yoga DVD. But I learned that 1. I can try something new without the need to feel nervous and 2. I have very little balance.

 

I really enjoyed the workout though, and I think that it will definitely be a weekly workout from now on. I am looking forward to improving my balance and I think that there will come a point in time when I find a yoga studio to take a real class from. That will be when I have a lot more balance and when I stop huffing and puffing during a workout.

 

 

Jillian is much calmer in this workout DVD and easier to tolerate. I completed the full 30 days of 30 Day Shred and I will admit that I cursed out the TV in her direction on more than one occasion. I'm sure if I did this DVD for 30 days in a row I might do the same though...

 

My food journal today was not bad, but not good. We went out to eat for dinner and I splurged a little. I did not eat the tortillas with my fajitas and I didn't eat all of the guacamole and sour cream, so in that way I think it was okay. The chips and salsa, not so great.

 



 

I am so incredibly proud of myself for so many reasons. I have stuck with every workout that I have had planned. I have been eating smaller portions and healthier foods. I've stayed away from fast food and regular soda. I've stayed off of the scale except for weigh in day. And I've been staying positive, especially when it comes to myself.

 

I can honestly say that I have been enjoying the process and I do not have unrealistic ideas of how this is going to happen. I am not on a time frame and therefore know that no matter what happens week to week I am making this change for the long run and that the end result will happen in due time. I am definitely earning these results and not just expecting them to happen because I wish them.

Reasons Why I Want to Get in Shape

There is one thing that I have not done before and I feel may be a necessary part of succeeding on this journey.

I have never made a list of reasons why I want to get in shape and be healthy. It's always just been something I want because I don't like the way I look, but it's so much more than that. So much more.

I realized I wanted to make a list shortly after Patrick asked when we could start to get in shape. In normal circumstances I may have been irritated at the assumption that he thinks I need to get in shape, however being so open about my weight loss (and more important, my negative self talk) gives him pretty clear insight into what I may need on this journey.

I've asked Patrick quite a few times if he would join me with working out and eating healthy. Every time we tend to make it a few days together we both end up falling off the wagon.

But this time it was his idea, and I think that's what might make this stick this time around.

So I made a list of reasons why I'm doing this and I think keeping this list visible (on my motivation wall) will help me remember why I want this. I think lists like this are meant to be open and honest, so although some of these reasons may seem vain or unimportant to some, they are mine and no one can take that away from me...

Reasons Why I Want To Get In Shape:

1. To have more confidence

2. To be more comfortable with my body

3. To be prepared for and complete The Dopey Challenge

4. To have more energy

5. To be a better influence on my children

6. So my husband will find me attractive

7. To feel strong

8. To reach my goal weight and maintain it

9. To spend at least one whole day without thinking about my body negatively

10. To want to stand in front of the camera instead of always being behind it

11. To not feel self conscious waving to someone while wearing a tank top

12. To run a mile without stopping

13. To finish a 5K race without stopping

14. So that when my friends from the Weight Watchers boards say they want to meet up for a hike I will be excited to go and not make excuses to not go

15. To be physically healthy to have a baby if we decide to continue our family

16. To have the right eating habits in place so that if we do have a baby I won't gain 80 pounds while pregnant like I did with Isabel

17. To say yes and actually go in every time the kids want to go to the pool

18. To not cry in the fitting rooms while trying on bathing suits

19. To feel confident in a bathing suit

20. To not wonder or care what other people think of my body

21. To not care if my husband checks out other women, because their husbands may be checking me out 

22. To not feel my body jiggle with each step while I run

23. So I will stop thinking people are talking about or laughing at me

24. To start needing to shop for smaller pants instead of larger ones

25. To believe people when they tell me I'm pretty

26. To not hide food/candy wrappers from my husband

27. To avoid high blood pressure (runs in the family)

28. To feel confident to wear the lingerie without spilling out

29. To show my daughter that beauty is more on the inside then the outside

30. So I can finally have an after photo

31. To fit into my little black dress from 5 years ago

32. To be able to love myself, like my husband loves me

33. To believe my husband when he tells me that he thinks I'm sexy

34. To be more positive

35. To get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight (from 5 years ago)

36. To handle stress without food

37. To handle happiness without food

38. To have the confidence to do a Boudoir photo shoot for my husband

39. To not wonder if something is going to zip up

40. To look (and feel) good naked

41. To have more patience

42. To be constantly high on endorphins

43. To look forward to my next workout

44. To fit into my skinny jeans

45. To wear a short dress without wearing 3/4 spandex pants underneath to hide my thighs

46. To encourage my husband to keep at his weight loss goals

47. To feel proud of myself for reaching and staying at my goal

48. To get rid of that "what if" pair of jeans because I know I will never be that size again

49. So that I could possibly be a role model for those that want to lose weight

50. To feel confident in a pair of shorts

51. So I can stop feeling envious of thin, healthy women

52. To know that I am worth spending the time on myself

53. To not moan and groan from getting up from the floor

54. To buy cute underwear without worrying about indentations

55. To train in a sports bra and shorts on hot days

56. So that I will take more pride in how I look on a day to day basis

57. To be more willing to try new things

58. To be more socially comfortable

59. To sleep better

60. To sit on my husbands lap without worrying about hurting him

61. To get a massage without feeling self conscious

62. To have the energy to clean the apartment instead of sitting on the couch

63. So the workout DVDs will stop collecting dust

64. So I can watch my body get stronger

65. To notice my body changing

66. So others can notice too

67. To avoid weight related health issues

68. To live longer

69. To see and be able to play with my grandchildren

70. To not have to squat and tug my jeans up over my thighs

71. Or suck in my gut to button my jeans

72. Or wear a larger shirt to hide the muffin top

73. So I can stop thinking the bed is breaking when it creaks

74. So I can focus on some of my other goals

75. So I can stop blaming my lower belly pooch on the c-section

76. To not be self conscious eating in public

77. To not have a section of my body that I dislike

78. To be able to easily think of things I like about myself (both physically and otherwise)

79. To be comfortable being intimate with the lights on

80. To learn how to water ski

81. To learn how to snow board

82. To ride a motor cycle

83. To climb a mountain

84. To have a healthy BMI

85. To not fear the doctor's scale

86. To know that fast food is not the right choice

87. To know that no excuse is worth it

88. To prove to myself that I have the willpower to do this

89. To enjoy myself on vacation

90. So I can save money

91. So I can accept a compliment when someone gives me one, rather than feel the need to deny it, tell him he's crazy, or silently wish I felt the same

92. To make it through any Jillian Michael's DVD challenge

93. To be more comfortable in the kitchen making healthier meals

94. To stop fearing the scale

95. To be less critical and negative about myself

96. To stop avoiding mirrors and windows

97. To take pressure off of my knees and avoid another knee surgery

98. So I can show off my muscles

99. So I can say my weight out loud with pride

100. To love myself

Tuesday May 21st

Another successful day, which makes me feel so good about so many things. I feel good about what I'm doing to change my body. I feel good about how I'm going about changing my body. I feel healthier by simply eating better food. I feel happier by simply working out. I feel like I'm worth the time I'm spending on me. And I am not expecting to see dramatic changes in an unrealistic time frame.

I'm simply making manageable changes that I can do for a lifetime.

I decided today to start wearing my pedometer to track my daily steps. Starting next week I will begin to aim to hit 10,000 steps each day. Yesterday I hit just over 8,000 and today I should hit 7,000. I feel like a few adjustments will need to be made in order to get in those extra steps to reach my goal next week.

I didn't take any pictures today other than of my daily tracker, but I did get in my scheduled workout. I started with my arms and legs this morning and completed my 2 mile run right before dinner. Endorphins are amazing and make me happy.

Another tracked day.

 

My run went well tonight. It was nice to get back into it, even if it was more difficult than I would have hoped. It's been 65 days today since I've been for a run and my body could feel it. I took it nice and slow and enjoyed just being out there again. The old me would have been upset or felt the need to justify my time, but this time I am running for a specific purpose. I am running specifically for distance. Yes, there is a finish time that I have to aim for, but I'm about 2 minutes faster than that right now and feel like I will improve by more than that in the next year and a half (I would hope at least!)

 

As of right now, I am aiming to finish each mile under 15 minutes. That's slow enough to avoid injury and gives me a good starting point to get back to my consistent 11:30-13 minute miles for farther distances if I can build myself up slowly.

 

I'm not a fast runner and I will probably never be a fast runner. I only know what works for me and in order for me to finish a run I need to do two things. 1) I need to keep it at a reasonable speed and 2) I need to run intervals. I use the Galloway method and love it! It's what works best for me. I've been able to run one mile straight through once in my life and I just know that it's not something I will be able to do for 26.2 miles straight.

 

Normally I run 45:1 intervals, meaning I run for 45 seconds and walk for 1 minute. I built myself up to 1:1 intervals last year for my solo half marathon, but since I am just starting back up I have taken myself down to running 30:1 intervals for now. Just until I can get my body back into it. I would like to take the next year and a half to build myself up to at least 1:1 intervals for Dopey, if not longer running intervals.

 

Tonight's run was a distance of 2.30 miles on the wash. I walked the first 0.15 to get to the wash, ran intervals for 2 miles and walked 0.15 miles back home.

 

Can't complain for my first time back at it in 65 days!

 

Mile 1- 14:17

Mile 2- 13:45

Mile 0.30- 4:30

I'm looking forward to tracking my improvements with both my strength and my running. I do intend to work on my speed, but it's not my top priority. I am really looking forward to going out again for another run on Thursday. And I'm also looking forward to my first attempt at the Jillian Michael's yoga DVD I recently bought. I have never attempted yoga, and I know that her DVD is not like regular yoga, but it should be a nice change of pace.

Preparation Tips on Pinterest

I am not a cook. In fact I'm the farthest thing from it.

The reason for this is because I'm not comfortable being in the kitchen. It causes anxiety to even think about looking at recipes online or in cookbooks, let alone buying the ingredients and then putting them together and making them into what's supposed to be a meal. And it's supposed to be edible? Nothing I have made has ever turned out 1. The way it looks in the pictures or 2. The way it's supposed to taste.

But, I feel like one of the reasons I fail is because I am so uncomfortable in the kitchen. I often say yes to eating out and I rarely buy fresh food, opting for pre-packaged food because it's easier to just grab something and go rather than prepare something myself.

When I'm bored I sometimes find myself spending hours at a time on pinterest. I have pictures saved for my future house, decorating and to-do ideas to where my house that I do not own (and probably won't for years) is already decorated in my mind. The board I look at the most though is the health and fitness one. It used to be just for motivational quotes, which then turned into looking for workout ideas and finally, today, I started looking for easy recipes that I can do in order to give me another chance to be successful.

I found some recipes for a couple easy breakfasts, but I was mostly looking at recipes for smoothies (yay fresh fruit!). Smoothies are easy for breakfast, a snack, after a good workout and especially on a hot summer day (which are on their way). I wrote these recipes down and now I cannot wait to make them! I found a peanut butter and banana and a chocolate raspberry smoothie recipe from Prevention.com and I found an apple banana cinnamon, a raspberry orange and a kiwi-strawberry smoothie from Foodnetwork.com. I will be blogging about these smoothies with recipes/photos soon!

While on there I also found a great pin about 9 things to do in your kitchen to lose weight. I found it helpful (even if it is basic common sense to most people). For me, being so uncomfortable in the kitchen, I found this list to be something I can do easily without feeling too overwhelmed.

So, I want to share it here so that if for any reason someone feels uncomfortable and hasn't seen this list they can benefit from it the way I hope to. Please visit the website directly for the entire list, however this is what I took from it:

1. Make fruits accessible: Wash, cut up and store fruits in reusable containers so they're easy to grab and keep them up front at eye level so they're the first thing you see.

2. Prepare a container of salad:  Having a salad before dinner is a great way to fill up so you eat less of the main course. You're sure to eat a salad with dinner if it's already made.

3. Have measuring cups and spoons on the counter: Measuring your food will keep portions in check. Seeing measuring spoons and cups on the counter will be a visual reminder to use them.

4. Pre-make snack packs: Take your favorite healthy snacks and some Ziploc baggies and make your own snack packs that you can keep in your cupboard. This will prevent you from eating an entire container of your favorite snacks.

5. Ditch the unhealthy foods: If unhealthy foods are within your reach, you're bound to crave them. Throw out or give away the junk because if it's not there, you can't be tempted to eat it.

6. Use smaller-sized plates: If you start out with a smaller-sized plate, there's only so much you can pile on, so you'll end up consuming fewer calories.

7. Freeze fruits and veggies: Buy larger bags of fruits and veggies, wash, cut and store them in baggies in the freezer. You'll not only save money but you'll also have them on hand.

8. Double or even triple the recipe: Don't just make enough for one meal, package the leftovers in containers you can easily grab for the next few days. If your lunch or dinner is already prepared you won't have to resort to unhealthy takeout.

9. Put food away before you sit down to eat: After you've cooked, serve yourself an appropriate serving size and then wrap up the remaining food and put it in the fridge. If you leave it out, you're more likely to go back for seconds.

Like I said, I hope to benefit from this list. I think that they are simple enough tips that I can follow. Next step is to make it to the grocery store in order to get some fresh foods for healthy snacks. Hopefully someone else can benefit from this list as well!