Thursday June 27th

The Good- I had therapy tonight and was able to talk some more about my negative thoughts about my body and my self sabotage with my eating habits. It seems to make so much sense when she and I talk and I feel so stupid sometimes because it all sounds so silly when I'm talking about it. But then she leaves and my mind starts spinning with negativity and I don't know how to make it stop. It's ridiculous that I can't be happy that I went to the gym last night for 50 minutes, instead I tear myself down for only going for 50 minutes. I can't get in check with my eating because I am so focused on not seeing the results that I throw in the towel and figure that I'm still making progress with working out, so what's the point of the rest of it. I know that with continuing therapy and discussing these thoughts I will make progress with the mental part of it too, which is sometimes more difficult to deal with than the physical.

The Bad- I did not get out of bed to go to the gym this morning like I had planned. I couldn't fall asleep until after 11 last night and then woke up a few times in the middle of the night. I was not well rested and chose to listen to my body instead of push myself to go.

The Positive- My therapist advised I start two journals tonight and go for as long as I can. The first will be a notebook with a positive a day about myself. The second is a notebook with a reason a day why I love Isabel. I decided to have Patrick include one in each notebook and Isabel as well. Isabel's will be given to her when she gets a little older, possibly when she starts going through changes with her body and needs to see reasons why she's lovable. Being a girl sucks and those changes can be difficult to get through.

The Workout- 
50 squats
 
Thoughts for the Day

* When you don't fall asleep until after 11pm and then wake up multiple times throughout the night you are very unlikely to get up with your alarm and make it to the gym in the morning. Meaning that there are two options- 1. take more rest days or 2. get more sleep. Doing both would probably be the best choice.

* It is very interesting watching Isabel play sports. She is very book smart and she definitely tries her hardest, but she lacks coordination.

* I have started reading yet another book and am now in the middle of three. This one is called Running On Faith by Jason Lester and has been really good so far. My favorite part is this:

"When you make extreme-distance sports your life, it's like you have this angel sitting on your shoulder, constantly whispering, "Do something inconceivable. Set the bar higher. Take up a new challenge." Most days, you're too busy to listen, but when things quiet down you start asking yourself questions. Could I improve my split? Could I set a new personal record? Could I keep going past the point where in the past I've quit? It's about inner growth and improving discipline and mental focus. After all, the only person you ever really meet out on the course is yourself. You are your own ultimate competition; at the end of the day, you're the one you have to answer to."

* In order to not kill your plants on the patio you have spent time and money to make more "homey", you must water them or make sure your husband continues to water them. They will die if they sit out in the heat and don't get watered for days at a time.

* I'm going to miss my husband. We have not spent more than one night apart since being married and I am not looking forward to the next 4 nights without him.

* I bought a 16 pack of batteries and have 2 empty 2GB SD cards ready for our 9 day vacation. I am worried that this will not be enough. I intend to take some very artistic photos this vacation (which to me includes a lot of close ups of flowers and animals and interesting buildings, etc). There may be a trip to CVS to buy some more memory.

* Planning on taking that many pictures is ridiculous.

* I am having a really difficult time putting in the work and not seeing the results and am going to use this vacation as a way to stop thinking about what's working and what's not. We are coming back home on a Saturday and I intend on making that Sunday my day to sit down and figure it all out before starting back up with MFP that Monday. I need to remember that my body is not going to change over night and that the work I am doing is a good thing and will show eventually.

* I got an email from my new gym about a free two session meeting with a trainer. I need to look into that when I get back. Hopefully I can talk to someone about nutrition (my biggest struggle right now) and maybe make a good plan on what machines to use and for how long.